


Wildflowers

by hizashi



Series: Accidents of Life [5]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 06:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 65,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17740949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hizashi/pseuds/hizashi
Summary: "Like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would."- E.V RoginaJunhwe lives his life like the little blossom that forces its way up through the cracks in the sidewalk--freely, fiercely, and in the moment.





	1. Moon Lily White

**Author's Note:**

> Here is my latest big project!! I've been working on this for over a year now, and I started getting antsy and I've been excited to share it, so I thought, what the hell, let me just start posting. It's nearly finished at this point, but I wanted to start posting to try to give myself a deadline and get this thing completed so I can move on to other things, haha.
> 
> Chapters to be posted every weekish. The story is about 85% written right now, so if there are any long delays, it will only be at the very end.
> 
> I am quite fond of this story, actually. I hope someone out there enjoys it too!
> 
> (This is related to AoL, but you don't need to have read any of it. In fact, if you haven't, I would even suggest that you don't, haha.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **001 moon lily white**
> 
> _"And lilies white, prepared to touch the whitest thought, nor soil it much, of dreamer turned to lover."_  
>  \- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "A Flower in a Letter"

Junhwe feels strangely anxious. He hadn’t thought that starting university would be this nerve-wracking, but somehow, he feels lost. It had taken him so long to get used to middle and high school at his stuffy boarding school that he isn’t sure how quickly he’ll adjust to life at such a prestigious university. He rifles absently through a partially unpacked box of clothes. There certainly won’t be nearly as many _rules_ , and he’ll be completely by himself in his own apartment, and he won’t have Donghyuk in all of his classes anymore… On second thought, maybe it won’t be as bad as he thinks. He chuckles to himself, but the amusement is short-lived. No Donghyuk to pester, no Yunhyeong to help him out, no teachers who have known him for five years—no one who _gets_ him. No comfort. Junhwe loves being around people but doesn’t need to constantly be surrounded by them to be happy, and it’s not like he’ll never see his friends again, but it definitely won’t be the same. He drops the hoodie he’d been holding back into the box, kicks at it, and then flops down onto his bed with a sigh. It’s just a lot to get used to.

The first few weeks of the semester fly by in a whirlwind of boring orientations, awkward icebreakers, and pop quizzes. Junhwe barely sees Donghyuk, which is understandable considering Donghyuk is in a completely different department, but Junhwe had at least thought he’d see Yunhyeong around. But Yunhyeong is an upper division student, and Junhwe is a freshman, and the last thing Yunhyeong wants is for Junhwe to follow him around all over the place _again._ Or so he’d told Junhwe irritably over the phone at midnight on the third day of class when Junhwe had called to be annoying because Yunhyeong had been ignoring his texts. Junhwe’s feelings are a little hurt, but when he stops by the café where Yunhyeong works for lunch the next day, Yunhyeong conveniently seems to have no recollection of this conversation. (Junhwe should have known better than to call Yunhyeong when he’s tired.) He gives Junhwe a free sandwich and tells him to come to his study group to meet his friends on Friday. So just like that, Junhwe is integrated into the business department network, and just like that, things start to feel at least a little bit more normal.

Except for the Donghyuk issue, that is. They hardly see each other because they aren’t in any of the same classes, and even though Junhwe would never admit it out loud, he misses Donghyuk. He hasn’t really made any friends his own age in his department, and despite the fact that Yunhyeong had gone out of his way to introduce Junhwe to all of his friends, they hadn’t been particularly interested in entertaining Yunhyeong’s annoying tagalong dongsaeng (as Junhwe had once overheard himself being called). They talk to Junhwe if they see him around campus, and they’re all pleasant enough, but they’re busy third- and fourth-years with their own friends and their own lives. Good for networking, maybe, but not so good for meaningful relationships. And despite the size of his ego, Junhwe is actually painfully shy when it comes to meeting people for the first time, which means all of the awkward icebreakers and boring orientations do pretty much nothing to help him actually make any real friends.

Finally, however, Donghyuk takes pity on him and invites him out for coffee (his treat, so of course Junhwe makes himself available), and then tells him to come to Pride. Junhwe frowns at the suggestion. The gay club? Junhwe identifies as bisexual, but he’d prefer to keep his proclivities private—at least for now. He’d been outed in a pretty terrible way in high school, and though it hadn’t been the end of the world, it hadn’t exactly made his final year picture perfect either. So he’d decided that he’d try being more discreet in university, but joining the gay club seems like the best way to not be discreet. Donghyuk kicks him and huffs. “First of all, they have shows and stuff you can play at, and second of all, you’re my friend so you should hang out with me.” Junhwe perks up at the idea of playing at shows (he’s desperate to grow his YouTube channel), and even though he won’t say it, it would give him an excuse to hang out with Donghyuk and meet other people so he can stop moping about his apartment.

The two of them start going to Pride meetings together, and they end up being exactly what Junhwe had needed. He makes all kinds of friends from all different majors and years that then introduce him to other people his own age, and he starts having so much fun. Really, university in general is liberating in so many ways for Junhwe: He finally starts feeling comfortable in his own skin, and even though he isn’t totally, completely, one-hundred-percent himself around anyone who isn’t Donghyuk or Yunhyeong, he definitely finds it easier to express himself now than when he’d been a repressed, moody teenager. He realizes he doesn’t have to hide his sexuality or be shy about the things he likes anymore, so even though he still craves the approval of others, he doesn’t let that need dictate every last aspect of his life. For the most part, anyway. 

So he goes to most Pride socials and parties, where he meets Bobby (a very straight but very friendly third-year) and Bobby’s weird friend Hanbin (who has the most obvious, awkward crush on the club president). Both of them take an immediate liking to Donghyuk, which is the reason Junhwe ends up spending much time with either of them at all. His constant appearances at club functions also put him in the good graces of the club’s executive board, which lands him a personal invitation to perform at Pride Performance Night. Usually the club holds auditions because too many people want to participate, but Junhwe had had the honor of skipping that whole process. This is why his upcoming performance is making him more nervous than usual—he’d been grandfathered in, so he _needs_ to impress and he _needs_ to do better than he’s ever done. He desperately wants to prove that he’s deserving of the faith the president had put in him. He hasn’t let what other people think bother him nowadays as much as he had in the past, but when it comes to his music, he’s still pretty sensitive. And with this situation, he feels that anxiety even more acutely.

Which is why, he supposes morosely, he’s working on a new original song at three in the morning when he should be sleeping or doing any of the various assignments that he’s been neglecting. But with his mind so focused on his emotions and his music, he finds himself drifting back to his relationship with Seo Mirae, his last girlfriend in high school. She had been all kinds of wrong for him, and usually he remembers that, but sometimes he misses having her around. He’s missed her a lot lately because she had been a constant in his life, and as a result, he’d felt like she _got_ him. Hooking up with people is fun, but it’s fleeting, and sometimes Junhwe wants something more. So he misses Mirae, and from that rose-colored longing comes a sad, subdued song unlike any Junhwe has written before. Donghyuk is speechless when Junhwe plays it for him for the first time, and then he punches Junhwe’s shoulder. “Who hurt you, man?” Junhwe glares at him. “For fuck’s sake, Donghyuk, who do you think?” Donghyuk frowns. He’d never liked Mirae much. Though he’d been supportive while Junhwe had dated her, afterward he hadn’t been shy about letting Junhwe know exactly how insufferable he’d found her and how bad she’d been for Junhwe—which is to say, he’s never understood how Junhwe could be so broken up over the deterioration of his relationship. Still, though, Donghyuk likes the song, and he’s the type to be frank, so Junhwe takes him at his word.

By the time Pride Performance Night finally rolls around, Junhwe is positive that the pressure is going to kill him. His usual easygoing confidence is nowhere to be found, and even a shoulder massage from Yunhyeong does little to calm his nerves. The entire auditorium is filled; Junhwe has never performed in front of so many people before. He starts gnawing on his nails once Yunhyeong and Donghyuk have left to find seats, and it isn’t until Bobby notices him and calls him over to watch the performances from the wings that Junhwe starts to relax. It’s hard to stay worked up around someone as laidback as Bobby. When the club president introduces Hanbin and Bobby (and calls Hanbin one of his favorite people, which makes Hanbin blush a comically brilliant shade of scarlet that Junhwe has just enough tact not to laugh at), Bobby punches Junhwe’s shoulder. “Stop biting your nails, bro, you’ll be fine.” Then he gives Junhwe a thumbs up and goes out on stage with Hanbin, and Junhwe watches them. He picks at his nails for the rest of the first act instead of biting them, and after he spends the entire intermission listening to Yunhyeong and Donghyuk sing his praises, he feels a little bit calmer.

He feels even better once he’s introduced, and his hesitant steps out onto the stage turn into struts as his usual confidence resurfaces from somewhere deep within him. People are cheering and calling his name before he’s even sat down, and he feels good. They love him, and he loves it. He starts to sing, and he feels something within himself change, and his voice sounds more beautiful than it’s ever sounded before. He isn’t sure what it is or where it comes from, but it could be that all of his old feelings for Mirae are giving his voice a quality that it usually doesn’t have. The crowd likes it, he thinks, because they’re quiet and focused on him, but then he notices about a third of the way through the song that someone in the back of the auditorium is… dancing. It’s a man, and his movements are sharp, smooth, and, perhaps most surprisingly, perfectly in sync with Junhwe’s song. Everyone else in the crowd realizes what’s going on about halfway through the song, and even though Junhwe would probably be a little miffed under normal circumstances that someone had stolen his thunder, he isn’t this time. There’s just something about the dancing boy that is simply so _captivating._ The attention is deserved, Junhwe thinks. He invites the dancing boy up on stage for his last song, but the boy refuses. Junhwe is honestly a little disappointed (he had wanted to see the man up close), but he’s sure Bobby will know who the dancing boy is. Over the course of his few months going to every Pride event, Junhwe had realized that despite the fact that Bobby is straight, he’s friends with every queer person on campus.

Junhwe dumps his guitar on Donghyuk after the show and immediately seeks out Bobby. Bobby is in the courtyard surrounded by friends (fans, really, Junhwe thinks), but he greets Junhwe enthusiastically. Although Bobby is a third-year biophysics student who works full-time in the lab and is even conducting his own research, he still finds the time to go to almost every Pride event. So even though he’s better friends with Donghyuk, he sees Junhwe a lot too. He pulls Junhwe into a hug and slaps him on the back. “Awesome performance, man!” he half-shouts. Without all of Bobby’s attention, his fans drift away, and Junhwe rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet. Bobby tilts his head thoughtfully and asks Junhwe what’s on his mind. “Were you in the audience when I was singing?” Junhwe asks. Bobby nods. “Did you notice a guy dancing?” Bobby’s eyes widen a little in surprise, and Junhwe bites his lip. He feels a little weird for asking the question. Bobby says he had noticed, and when Junhwe asks if Bobby knows who it was, he says he does. “Here he comes now, actually,” Bobby says, pointing somewhere over Junhwe’s shoulder. Junhwe looks in the direction Bobby is pointing, and first he sees Hanbin, who stops in front of him. Junhwe is sure Bobby hadn’t meant Hanbin, so the dancing boy must be the young man who had been trailing behind Hanbin and has just crashed right into him.

Hanbin pays no mind to the fact that he’d just been walked into, and he throws up his arm for Junhwe to do their handshake. Junhwe indulges Hanbin, but the whole time he keeps his eyes trained on the slowly reddening face of the other boy. He has soft features that Junhwe might call pretty and would certainly call sensual, but his whole aura is muted and sad. His shoulders are hunched slightly, as if he’d been bowed down from bearing the very weight of the world upon them. His eyes are cast downward, and there’s a heaviness in his expression that Junhwe doesn’t think comes from embarrassment at having walked straight into Hanbin and almost fallen down. Bobby says this is one of his best friends, and Junhwe holds his hand out in greeting, but the other man doesn’t react until Bobby reaches over to stick a finger up his nose. He sputters, caught off guard, and then reddens again when he notices Junhwe’s outstretched hand. He says his name—Kim Jinhwan—and meets Junhwe’s eyes for the first time. Although his eyes are shadowed and a little sunken, there is a noticeable sense of resolve and resiliency in Jinhwan’s gaze that surprises Junhwe a little bit. Jinhwan comes across as small, sad, and anxious, but beneath all of that is a confident, capable person who can clearly handle everything that the universe had thrown at him to make him so small and sad in the first place.

Junhwe kind of wants to fuck him.

He invites Jinhwan out for a drink, but Jinhwan replies immediately that he doesn’t drink, and Junhwe can’t stop himself from looking disappointed. But he recovers quickly and asks Jinhwan how he feels about coffee instead, and he can see Jinhwan’s internal struggle plainly on his face. Junhwe supposes it’s a good sign that Jinhwan can’t really decide either way, but before Jinhwan can even say anything, Bobby interjects. “He’d love to!” Bobby says, grinning from ear to ear. He pulls Hanbin away from Jinhwan (Jinhwan had been sort of hiding behind him) and announces that he and Hanbin have things to do, but Jinhwan doesn’t, so he should go with Junhwe to a nearby café. He’s dragged Hanbin away before either Jinhwan or Hanbin can get a word in, and Junhwe can tell from both Jinhwan’s and Hanbin’s expressions that Bobby had just invented this scenario in an attempt to set his friends up. Well, Junhwe won’t complain. Jinhwan sighs and looks up at Junhwe, and Junhwe is again captivated by just how goddamn attractive Jinhwan is. Junhwe wets his lips. Why is he so nervous?

The café is close enough that they can walk, but it’s far enough away that they have to fill up the time with small talk. Junhwe is usually awkward when he meets new people (Donghyuk is always going on about how mystifying he finds this), but for some reason, it’s different with Jinhwan; he’s just really easy to talk to. He seems genuinely interested in whatever Junhwe has to say, even if it’s just a random tidbit about how he’s a marketing major or had had a cat named Blueberry as a kid. As for Jinhwan himself, Junhwe is surprised to learn that Jinhwan is the hyung (by three years, even!) but is actually only a second-year. Junhwe asks why, and Jinhwan shrugs. “Accident of life.” Junhwe is curious but doesn’t press him. The relaxed atmosphere continues for the next few hours that they spend together, and Junhwe finds that he’s disappointed when Hanbin and Bobby show up to take Jinhwan home—and not even because he’d realized that he wouldn’t be sleeping with Jinhwan tonight (or ever, probably). He had just been really, really enjoying Jinhwan’s company.

He gets Jinhwan’s number before they part, and he isn’t shy about using it. Jinhwan had given off a comfortable _talk to me whenever about whatever_ vibe that Junhwe, a naturally talkative person, had taken to heart. He texts Jinhwan whenever he feels like it about whatever happens to be on his mind at the time, and even though Jinhwan usually doesn’t respond right away, he does always respond. Jinhwan’s replies aren’t noncommittal eighty-five percent of the time like Donghyuk’s, nor does he completely miss every single one of Junhwe’s (extremely clever and brilliant) jokes like Yunhyeong. There’s just the right balance between sincere interest, playful banter, and sarcastic deadpans. Their incessant messaging eventually develops into regular face-to-face meetings—first it’s coffee every now and again, then coffee most mornings, then the occasional lunch, then lunch most days, then they’re pretty much always together when they have a spare moment. Jinhwan even helps Junhwe study every Thursday. His constant presence (virtual and physical) brings Junhwe the stability that he needs in his life, and Junhwe is happy.

Junhwe’s feelings also evolve the longer the two of them spend time together. He goes from wanting to jump Jinhwan’s bones every time they’re together to desperately wanting Jinhwan to like him at all to simply feeling fulfilled by Jinhwan’s friendship. Junhwe thinks this contentment lasts a respectable interval, but Donghyuk calls him out on his crush early on like the asshole he is. Junhwe ignores his feelings (as he is wont to do) for as long as possible, but eventually he just accepts them. He adores Jinhwan, and he’s okay with his unrequited feelings because Jinhwan is such a close friend of his now anyway. So what if he wants to kiss Jinhwan and hold his hand? Jinhwan likes being around him, and at this point, Junhwe is fine with that. Or so he tells himself anyway.

His feelings start getting confusing, though, when Jinhwan starts going to Junhwe’s apartment after almost all of their study dates. They had left the library together one night, and Jinhwan had seemed like he hadn’t wanted to part from Junhwe yet, so Junhwe had plucked up the courage to invite Jinhwan over. “You mentioned you wanted to see that movie that I was telling you about…” Jinhwan had happily agreed to coming over, and that’s how he winds up at Junhwe’s apartment for half of every weekend after that. What Junhwe finds confusing, however, is that Jinhwan gets a little, well, _handsy_. The first few times Jinhwan comes over are relatively normal, but one night when Jinhwan had come back from the bathroom, he had sat down as close as he possibly could to Junhwe. There hadn’t been a single sliver of space left between them—Jinhwan had been pressed right up against Junhwe’s side. Junhwe’s arm had curled automatically around Jinhwan’s shoulders, and Jinhwan had settled comfortably against him. It had felt so natural that it hadn’t been until halfway through the movie, when Junhwe had realized that they were actually _cuddling,_ that he had begun to quietly panic. What does it all mean?

But the cuddling becomes standard fare whenever they’re alone together, and Junhwe tries not to think about it too much. Jinhwan is just as physically affectionate with Hanbin and Bobby as he is with Junhwe, so Junhwe doesn’t think that he’s getting any special attention. Well, he’s getting special attention, but not necessarily Jinhwan’s special attentions, so he doesn’t read too much into it. Instead, he relishes how happy being around Jinhwan makes him feel and how happy he feels whenever he makes Jinhwan happy too.

At least until the last time they hang out before winter break. Jinhwan shows up at Junhwe’s apartment looking completely out of it. He seems pale, and his eyes are dull and heavy. He forces a smile, and Junhwe steps back to let him in. “Are you okay?” he asks when Jinhwan actually sits down to slowly take off his shoes. “I’m just tired.” Junhwe watches, frowning, as Jinhwan slips his shoes off his feet and puts them down, and then just… sits there. A few awkward seconds pass before he hastily makes a show of arranging his shoes and fussing with the laces, and Junhwe ducks into the kitchen. A flush had crept into Jinhwan’s pallid cheeks, and his ears had reddened. Junhwe isn’t sure what Jinhwan is so embarrassed by, but he isn’t going to make it worse by staring the poor man down. He certainly isn’t above teasing (he goes after Jinhwan mercilessly), but something isn’t quite right tonight. He gets Jinhwan a glass of water and himself a glass of soju and walks back out into the living room. Jinhwan is sitting on the couch now, a hand on his forehead, his eyes closed.

“I brought you some water,” Junhwe says.

Jinhwan opens his eyes and murmurs his thanks. Junhwe sits on the other side of the couch and nervously watches Jinhwan take a few sips. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Jinhwan scoots into Junhwe’s space and sets his water down on the table. “Yes, I’m sure,” he says as he snuggles up to Junhwe. He’s half in Junhwe’s lap, one arm stretched across Junhwe’s chest with his fingers twisting into Junhwe’s shirt. Junhwe is grateful that Jinhwan falls asleep within thirty seconds of the movie’s starting because his heart is pounding so hard and fast in his chest that he’s positive Jinhwan can hear and feel it. But Jinhwan doesn’t wake up for the duration of the movie even though Junhwe pokes him every so often. He’s out. Junhwe is a little concerned, but at the same time, Jinhwan just looks so soft and peaceful in his arms that Junhwe too feels calm and quieted. But by the time the movie is over, Junhwe is hot from Jinhwan’s body heat, stiff and uncomfortable because he’d been too afraid to move and wake Jinhwan up, and he has to pee so bad he thinks his bladder might explode if he doesn’t go to the bathroom soon. He shakes Jinhwan gently. “Hyung.” Jinhwan doesn’t move, so Junhwe shakes him a little harder. “Hyung.” Jinhwan remains unresponsive. Junhwe pulls Jinhwan off of him and shakes him roughly. “Hyung!” Jinhwan’s eyes flutter open and he moans. Junhwe starts to laugh, a little relieved, when Jinhwan’s eyes droop and he suddenly goes limp in Junhwe’s arms. Had he just… fainted? Jinhwan’s head is lolling on his shoulders, and Junhwe starts to panic. Jinhwan had seriously just passed out. He lets go of Jinhwan with a strangled shriek, and Jinhwan flops backward onto the couch, almost falling off of it. Junhwe winces—that could have been bad. He stares at Jinhwan’s still body. What the fuck is he supposed to do?

He snatches his phone from the table and calls Bobby.

“Wassup?” Bobby says in English.  
“Hyung, I think hyung fainted!” Junhwe says, his voice getting so high that it cracks.  
Bobby snorts. “What?”  
“Hyung,” Junhwe repeats, trying to remain calm, “I think Jinhwanie-hyung fainted.”  
“Wait, you—he _fainted?_ For real?”  
“Yeah, hyung, he looked like death when he came over, and he fell asleep, and then he kinda woke up but then he passed out.”  
Bobby lets out a string of curse words. “Okay, I’ll be over as soon as possible. How long has he been out?”  
“I don’t know, like a minute? Like, he fell asleep, and then at the end of the movie, he—”  
“Junhwe?”

Junhwe jumps. Jinhwan is pulling himself into a sitting position, rubbing one of his eyes. His face is ghostly white. Junhwe just gapes at Jinhwan until Bobby starts shouting at him from the other end of the line. “He just woke up,” Junhwe says, and Bobby demands to speak with him. Junhwe holds the phone out to Jinhwan, who looks at it, confused. Junhwe tells him it’s Bobby, and he looks even more confused. He takes the phone but frowns at Junhwe. “What about—what happened to the movie?” Junhwe blinks. Does Jinhwan really not know? “Just talk to Bobby-hyung.” So Jinhwan puts the phone to his ear. He doesn’t say anything, but Bobby must be telling him what had happened because Jinhwan’s expression clouds over. After a few seconds Jinhwan hangs up and gives Junhwe’s phone back to him. He runs a hand over his face with a sigh, and Junhwe looks down at his phone in his hands. He already knows what Jinhwan is going to say. “Bobby and Hanbin are gonna come pick me up.” Junhwe nods, and Jinhwan inches closer. He places a hand on Junhwe’s knee. “I’m sorry if I scared you.” Junhwe scoffs, of course he wasn’t scared, he just really had to pee that’s all, and Jinhwan chuckles. He’s just really tired, he says. Really, completely, mentally and physically exhausted. Junhwe nods again because of course, hyung, it’s fine, hyung, no really, hyung, it’s fine.

Bobby knocks on the door a few minutes later. He waits in the doorway while Jinhwan hobbles over, and then he squats beside Jinhwan as Jinhwan puts on his shoes, whispering in his ear. Jinhwan’s expression sours. “I _know,_ ” he snaps finally, and Bobby throws his hands up in defeat. Junhwe stays off to the side, feeling awkward and out of place. Bobby and Jinhwan (and Hanbin) have known each other since they were very young, apparently, and there are idiosyncrasies to their relationship that Junhwe just doesn’t get. He feels like he’ll never be part of what they have no matter how close he grows to Jinhwan, and a small piece of him is jealous of that. And with this situation, there’s clearly something else going on here that Junhwe isn’t privy to. He tries not to let it bother him. Bobby helps Jinhwan to his feet and holds fast to his arm, but Jinhwan jerks his arm free and steps toward Junhwe. “Sorry,” he says as he holds his arms out for a hug. Junhwe embraces him, holding him tightly, and tells him that it’s fine. “I’ll see you after break.” He lets go of Jinhwan, who turns to go outside, and immediately Bobby has an arm around him. Junhwe shuts the door behind them and sighs. He wants that too.

He pees (finally) and then drops onto his bed with a groan and texts Donghyuk ( _weird shit w jinan hyung_ ). Donghyuk doesn’t respond, so Junhwe watches TV to try to occupy his mind. After a while his phone dings, but when he checks, it’s Jinhwan, not Donghyuk. He’s surprised and then annoyed (honestly, what the fuck is Donghyuk even _doing_ ), but he opens the chat.

 _Hey I’m really sorry ㅠㅠ I didn’t mean to faint like that._

_so you did fanit?_  
_faint*_

_I just didn’t eat enough._

_you can faint from not eating_  
_?_

_Well idk if I ever told you but I have really low blood pressure and it’s okay if I take good care of myself but if I let it get bad then sometimes this kind of thing happens.  
And I get fatigued too so that doesn’t help at all._

Junhwe takes a minute to google low blood pressure and fatigue. So Jinhwan was just really tired and what—dehydrated and hungry? Junhwe doesn’t really get it.

 _but hyung if you weren’t feling good you dint have to come_  
_i don’t want you to be sick.._  
_didn’t*_  
_feeling*_

The currently typing graphic keeps popping up and disappearing. Junhwe squints at his phone screen. Finally—

_Weird shit with Jinanie-hyung how??? ㅇㅁㅇ_

“Fucking Donghyuk,” Junhwe mutters aloud. Of course Donghyuk would choose this exact moment to text back, right when Junhwe had tapped the top of the screen to scroll up in the chat. Grumbling, Junhwe goes back to the chat with Jinhwan to read his latest message.

_I really wanted to see you though._

Junhwe sits up, his heart slamming against his rib cage. “Oh my god,” he whispers. He’s still working out how to respond when the currently typing graphic pops up again, and then—

_I’m not actually sick it’s just with finals and everything I got kind of caught up in studying.  
Bobby got me food so I’ll be fine and I’m really sorry._

_no hyung it’s ok!_  
_!!!!!_

 _I thought about canceling but I wanted to see you so bad and I know we can’t meet up over break so I just went._  
_I’m sorry again if I scared you I really didn’t mean to._  
_Anyway I’m really tired and Bobby is yelling at me so I’m gonna sleep._  
_Night Junhwe I’ll talk to you tomorrow._

Jinhwan’s texts come rapid-fire, one right after the other, so Junhwe doesn’t even have the time to respond until Jinhwan says goodnight. He says goodnight as well, drops his phone beside him on the bed, and drags his hands down his face. Jinhwan had really wanted to see him? Despite being so obviously unwell? He rolls around in his bed in silent agony and then snatches his phone back up to text Donghyuk. Up until this point he had been totally okay with crushing on Jinhwan from afar because he’d convinced himself that he doesn’t have a chance anyway, and he’s fine with their friendship staying the way it is. Jinhwan talks to him all the time and showers him with love and keeps him grounded. And yet… _I really wanted to see you though_. Friends want to see each other, sure, but… Junhwe groans into his pillow. What if Jinhwan actually _likes_ him?

Junhwe decides to be more proactive. 

He asks Jinhwan about his birthday, but Jinhwan very sternly tells him that his birthday isn’t a big deal and Junhwe must not, under any circumstances, buy him a gift of any kind. Junhwe thinks he’s joking at first, but no matter how many times he asks, Jinhwan remains adamant—absolutely no presents. Junhwe then asks if he can at least take Jinhwan out to dinner, but Jinhwan always goes out to dinner with his family. “I’m going to Bobby and Hanbin’s after, though, so you can come over then?” he suggests to Junhwe, which prompts Junhwe to devise his ingenious plan: He’ll throw Jinhwan a surprise party. He asks Hanbin and Bobby what they think about it, and they’re enthusiastic supporters of the idea. They even agree to hosting the party at their apartment. Junhwe seeks out most of the guests on his own, but he does enlist Bobby’s help for some of the more intimidating hyungs that Jinhwan likes spending time with. He collects money for a cake (he thinks Jinhwan would forgive a cake even if he doesn’t want any presents), and he’s so good about organizing everything and keeping all of it a secret that he even impresses Donghyuk. “You know, I didn’t think you’d be able to be so on top of things,” Donghyuk says as he and Junhwe shop for decorations. Junhwe just glares at him.

He also spends all of his free time now writing Jinhwan a song. He finds himself in that strange mood he’d been in when writing the song about Mirae, but rather than a wistful reminiscence of what had never been, the song becomes a quiet reminder of what is and of what could be. Out of his comfort zone, Jinhwan is shy and scared—something Junhwe knows all too well. He had convinced Jinhwan to accompany him to some Pride events, but Jinhwan had been so noticeably uncomfortable surrounded by so many shouting people that Junhwe had stopped inviting him out. Jinhwan hates crowds, and Junhwe quickly realizes that Jinhwan had only gone in the first place because Junhwe had asked. But when it’s just the two of them, or a small group of people he knows well, he’s a completely different person. He’s open and warm and witty, and seeing him so relaxed and carefree just makes Junhwe so happy. He wants Jinhwan to be able to be like that all the time. He strums the first few bars of the song, humming, and then scrawls down some lyrics.

_Strange face, with your eyes so pale and sincere,  
Underneath you know well you have nothing to fear._

Junhwe sets his pen down with a sigh and runs a hand through his hair. This crush is so stupid. He texts Jinhwan ( _writer’s blockㅡㅡ_ ), and fifteen minutes later Jinhwan responds: _Just think about me ^^ keke_. Junhwe sends some laughing emoji and a _fuck no that’ll just make it worse_ , to which Jinhwan immediately sends some angry emoji before changing the subject to how Bobby is currently refusing to wash his stinky dirty clothes. Junhwe talks to him about it (although why he’d been forced into a conversation about Bobby’s smelly laundry is beyond him), but he spends most of his time scrolling back up to stare at Jinhwan’s initial response. Thinking about Jinhwan is exactly the problem—Junhwe ends up so completely caught up in his emotions that he can’t find the words to express them. He groans and pulls at his hair. This crush is so _stupid._

But he finishes the song (which he doesn’t play for anyone because he wants Jinhwan to hear it first), then he records the Mirae song and burns Jinhwan a CD. Jinhwan had said no presents, and though Junhwe has no idea why, he figures it’s a money thing—that Jinhwan doesn’t want people spending money on him for some reason. But a free CD? With Junhwe’s voice? Jinhwan can’t possibly refuse. He writes Jinhwan a little note on a piece of paper he’d ripped out of his English notebook and squishes it as best he can into the CD case. He finds an old plastic bag in the kitchen, puts the CD in, and ties it up. He won’t bring it to the party this weekend because not only would Jinhwan get irritated and embarrassed, Junhwe himself would be embarrassed. Their friends would undoubtedly want to hear the song too, but Junhwe’s emotions are still too raw and confused; it’s just too personal. The song is for Jinhwan’s ears only at the current moment.

Before long it’s Saturday, Jinhwan’s birthday, and Donghyuk drives Junhwe and Yunhyeong to Bobby and Hanbin’s apartment. Bobby lets them in, and then he and Hanbin leave to meet Jinhwan and his family for dinner. The plan is for Bobby to text Junhwe when they get back to the apartment complex. Before that, however, Junhwe, Donghyuk, and Yunhyeong are going to set everything up. Junhwe had ordered a cake from his mother’s cousin’s sister-in-law, who is a pastry chef, and now he’s carefully setting it up on the kitchen table. Donghyuk is hooking his Wii and Xbox up to Hanbin and Bobby’s TV, and Yunhyeong is putting away all the alcohol and arranging the snacks. The three of them are just finishing putting up the decorations when the first guests start to arrive, and about fifteen minutes after the last person shows up, Bobby texts Junhwe that they’re outside. Junhwe brings the cake into the living room, Donghyuk lights the candles, Yunhyeong kills the lights, and everyone gathers around Junhwe, whispering in excited voices.

The front door bursts open, and in walks Hanbin, and then Jinhwan. As soon as they see him, everyone yells _surprise!_ , and Jinhwan stops dead in his tracks. His mouth is hanging open, and his face is blank. Junhwe’s heart starts pounding. Had he made a mistake? But Hanbin and Bobby are laughing, and Bobby grabs Jinhwan’s forearm to drag him into the kitchen. Junhwe follows them and places the cake in front of Jinhwan. Jinhwan is staring at it, his expression hard, and Junhwe chews his lip. He’d fucked up. He’d fucked up _royally_. But no one else seems to notice that Jinhwan is in a mood, so they sing happy birthday and wait for Jinhwan to blow out the candles, but he doesn’t. His eyes flick from Hanbin to Bobby to Junhwe and back to Hanbin, and his brow furrows. Junhwe wants to throw up. Hanbin is apparently a mind reader, though, because he laughs and says that Jinhwan is sending him a telepathic message asking why Hanbin is putting him through all this. Putting him through all this? Junhwe looks at a spot on the table. He wants to cry. Jinhwan hates it. 

Hanbin, like the traitor he is, then goes on to say that the whole thing had been Junhwe’s idea, and Jinhwan nearly gives himself whiplash he spins around so fast to stare at Junhwe. Junhwe is pretty sure he’s still smiling, but he’s notorious for not being able to control his face, so he really has no idea what he looks like. Jinhwan’s expression of surprise softens, though, and for a second, Junhwe dares to hope that Jinhwan doesn’t actually hate his guts. But then Jinhwan’s face screws up into a sort of pained grimace, and Junhwe wants to throw up all over again. God he’s so stupid. _So stupid_. And yet—something in Jinhwan’s eyes changes, and then his face sort of stiffens and—he’s about to cry, Junhwe realizes. He blinks. Jinhwan is a crier, and Junhwe has spent enough time with him to know when it’s a sad cry or an angry cry or a happy cry, and this is an _oh god I am so touched that I will literally cry for twelve straight hours_ cry that Junhwe had only seen once when Bobby had volunteered to help Jinhwan with some project he’d been struggling with. This is a good sign, Junhwe thinks. He smiles and squeezes Jinhwan’s shoulders. Jinhwan doesn’t hate him. Probably.

Within seconds Jinhwan has burst into tears. He’s positively _wailing_. Junhwe finds it vaguely amusing, and Hanbin and Bobby find it hilarious, and no one else really seems to know how to feel about it. Bobby, still laughing, blows out the candles (which causes Hanbin to start shrieking), and the idea of cake seems to shake everyone else out of the awkward mood Jinhwan’s meltdown had created. Yunhyeong starts cutting the cake and passing slices around, and Junhwe watches while he rubs Jinhwan’s shoulders. Donghyuk and Hanbin are giggling about something, so Junhwe goes over to them. “Go turn on the Wii,” he says to Donghyuk. Donghyuk rolls his eyes. “Go make yourself useful, you mean.” He goes out into the living room, and the other guests make their way out with their cake. Yunhyeong grins at Junhwe, who is still standing next to the table, and Junhwe glares at him. Asshole. Bobby waggles his eyebrows at Junhwe as he shovels cake into his mouth, and it takes all of Junhwe’s self-control not to flip him off. When the kitchen is empty, Junhwe sets a box of tissues from the counter onto the table, drags a chair beside Jinhwan, and drops into it. He pulls Jinhwan into a hug and hums the Mirae song.

Jinhwan does eventually stop crying, and for several long moments he just stays in Junhwe’s arms, quiet and shaking. Then he sits up straight, and Junhwe’s arms slide from Jinhwan’s back to drop heavily into his lap. It always feels so _right_ when he holds Jinhwan. Jinhwan mumbles something about tissues in a thick voice, and Junhwe hands him the box. Jinhwan snatches it and spins around, but Junhwe grins. He’d caught a glimpse of Jinhwan’s ugly, snot-covered face. He files it away to tease Jinhwan for later (right now he’s still sort of terrified that Jinhwan actually hates him) and wets his lips nervously when Jinhwan turns back around to face him. His eyes are swollen and red, but his expression is soft. They look at each other, and Jinhwan’s ears start turning red. Junhwe sighs.

“Are you okay?” he asks finally. “You’re not mad I did this?”  
“Yeah!” Jinhwan says, and Junhwe’s heart stops. “I mean, yeah, I’m okay, but no, I’m not mad.”  
A huge wave of relief washes over Junhwe. “You sure?”  
“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s just…” Jinhwan’s voice trails off and he looks away. Junhwe frowns. “It’s been a long time since anyone’s done anything this nice for me.”

Junhwe’s eyebrows shoot up in disbelief. There’s just no way. Hanbin and Bobby are literally in love with Jinhwan; they would do anything for him. Junhwe has a crush on Jinhwan, that much is true, but Hanbin and Bobby treat Jinhwan like he’s the sun, the center of their whole universe. They make fun of him and mess around with him, but Junhwe isn’t sure he’s ever seen anyone look at anyone else with as much love and adoration as Hanbin and Bobby do when they look at Jinhwan. And they don’t do nice things for him? It’s an absurd notion, and Junhwe shakes his head.

“You’re telling me Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung don’t do nice things for you?”  
Jinhwan brushes him off. “Of course they do, but me and them, it’s just—it’s different.”

Of course it’s different. Junhwe looks at his hands in his lap. Hanbin, Bobby, and Jinhwan. Best mates. Soulmates. Womb mates. Freakishly codependent clones created in a lab who are capable of telepathic communication. Junhwe blinks, and his hands curl slowly into fists. Of course it’s different. He’s brooding (he really doesn’t stand a chance against those two) when he suddenly realizes that Jinhwan is talking.

“It’s been a long time since someone other than them cared enough about me to do something this nice.” 

Junhwe looks up surprise. What? How can Jinhwan value himself so little? Junhwe wonders what on earth Jinhwan has gone through to make him think something like that. He wants to reach out and touch Jinhwan’s face or his hands that are twisting nervously in his lap. He wants to comfort Jinhwan, but he isn’t really sure how. “Well, I care about you a lot,” he says. He doesn’t think admitting that is too telling of the true extent of his feelings. He goes on to say that everyone here does (he adds maybe not as much as he does, but that’s probably too revealing, so he mentions Hanbin and Bobby too), but Jinhwan still looks unconvinced. It’s sad that he can’t see how much all of them love him. With a huff Junhwe hops to his feet, grabs Jinhwan’s wrist, and yanks him up. “C’mon. Eat some cake, play some Smash, have some fun.” 

Jinhwan lets himself be dragged into the living room (everyone cheers), and Junhwe pushes him onto the couch in between Hanbin and Bobby. There isn’t any room for Junhwe on the couch (how poetic) or even anywhere near it, so he plops down beside Yunhyeong off to the side. He can barely see the TV. Donghyuk hands him a slice of cake and asks if Jinhwan-hyung is okay, and Junhwe shrugs moodily. Donghyuk and Yunhyeong share a glance, but Junhwe ignores them. He’s glad that Jinhwan doesn’t actually hate him, but it’s still hard sometimes to deal with the fact that he’s outside of the Jinhwan-Bobby-Hanbin bubble. But the party is fun, and Jinhwan looks like he’s enjoying himself, and in the end, that’s all Junhwe really cares about. Everyone leaves after midnight, and Junhwe is getting ready to go with Donghyuk and Yunhyeong when Hanbin materializes next to him and threatens him with bodily harm unless he stays to help clean up. Hanbin is even more of a hassle when he’s tired, so Junhwe gives in and waves goodbye to Donghyuk and Yunhyeong glumly. “Text me, and if I’m still awake, I’ll come get you,” Donghyuk offers as he leaves, and Junhwe whines that he should just stay. But Yunhyeong has to get up early tomorrow and needs a ride, and Donghyuk argues that he’d helped set up, so Junhwe ends up being the only guest who doesn’t live there on cleanup duty.

It’s nearly two-thirty in the morning when they finally finish, and Junhwe is dead tired. He’d texted Donghyuk, but predictably there’d been no response. Bobby is in the bathroom (Junhwe really has no idea what Bobby is doing in there, but he’s been in there for twenty minutes already), and Hanbin has an arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders and is whispering in his ear. Then he kisses Jinhwan’s temple once—twice— _three fucking times_ —and Junhwe has a headache. He sighs, puts his shoes on, and says goodbye. He turns to go when he hears Jinhwan tell Hanbin to get off, then heavy footfalls as Jinhwan literally runs to the doorway to grab Junhwe’s other hand. “You should just stay here tonight,” he says in a rush, and Junhwe blinks at him. What? He glances at Hanbin pounding on the bathroom door and then settles his eyes back on Jinhwan. “I don’t think Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung would like it,” he says, but Jinhwan shakes his head. They won’t care, he insists, and he’s squeezing Junhwe’s hand and looking up at him expectantly and Junhwe is weak and maybe a little in love. He wets his lips and grins. It’s actually nice that Jinhwan has invited him to stay over because Junhwe would have had to walk at least an hour back home in the cold.

Junhwe watches Jinhwan accost Bobby, who had finally emerged from the bathroom, and demand mattresses and blankets. Mattresses and blankets? Junhwe had thought he’d be on the couch. Well, now that he thinks about it, he’d always assumed that Jinhwan has a room or an extra bed or that the couch folds out into a bed, but to his surprise (and mild annoyance), he finds out that Jinhwan actually sleeps with Bobby. Bobby, apparently, is like that princess from the pea story and can’t sleep without three billion layers of bedding, so they take one of his mattresses and some of his mattress pads and bring them out into the living room. Junhwe pushes the couch against the wall to accommodate it, and Jinhwan directs him to a hall closet to retrieve any and all of the pillows and blankets he finds. Bobby and Jinhwan have made up the mattress, so while Junhwe is throwing pillows and blankets onto it, Jinhwan disappears to the bathroom. He comes back out in pajamas—an oversized sweater and joggers. (The sweater is clearly Bobby’s because it is clearly too big for Jinhwan and clearly hangs off his shoulders, and Junhwe can clearly see the sharp line of his collarbone, so clearly Junhwe wants to lick it.) The sight of him reminds Junhwe that he doesn’t actually have anything to wear except the clothes on his back. He chews his lip as Jinhwan envelops himself in the blankets. Right.

Junhwe has several options: He could sleep in his clothes; he could sleep in his underwear like usual; he could sleep in just his shirt; or he could sleep in just his pants. He nixes the fully clothed and underwear-only options because it would be either too hot or too weird. If he takes off his shirt, he’d still be in his jeans, and sleeping in them is uncomfortable because he feels so constricted after a while, and they’re already tight and kind of hurting his hips, so he decides to sleep in his shirt. It’s a pretty big shirt that actually covers all the important bits when he stands up anyway, so he doesn’t think it’s all that weird. He shimmies out of his jeans and socks before his resolve wavers and drops down beside Jinhwan. Jinhwan smiles and pokes Junhwe’s shoulder. “Thanks for today, Junhwe. It was really nice.” Junhwe is glad that it’s dark enough that Jinhwan can’t see him blush. They stay up talking for a little while, but Junhwe can’t even remember about what because he’s so tired. He doesn’t know when he falls asleep, but he wakes up warm and comfortable. Bobby’s bedding is no joke; Junhwe thinks he understands why Jinhwan sleeps with him.

He stumbles from the makeshift bed to the bathroom to take a leak, and when he comes back out, he surveys the apartment. Bobby’s door is open and Hanbin’s is closed, but the apartment is dead silent. Junhwe doesn’t think either of them is home. He goes back to the bed and sits, and then he gazes at Jinhwan. His dark hair is in his eyes, his lips are parted slightly, and his little fingers are peeking out from the sleeve of his sweater. Even asleep he’s gorgeous. Junhwe lies back down and rubs his eyes. He wants to cuddle. He resists the urge, however, and picks up his phone. There are a couple of eye emoji from Yunhyeong, which Junhwe ignores, and an apology from Donghyuk from around eight in the morning, and then another message from two hours later: _Wait did you walk home??? ㅇㅁㅇ_ Junhwe grumbles a little at the fact that it had taken Donghyuk two hours to remember that Junhwe would have had to walk home, but then Junhwe texts him back: 

_no i stayed w him we’re slepeing in the same bed im fucking dying  
sleeping*_

_OH!!!_  
_MY!!!_  
_GOD!!!_  
_DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIM??? ㅇㅁㅇ_

Before Junhwe can respond, another message alert flashes across his screen: Donghyuk had texted the group chat with him, Junhwe, and Yunhyeong.

_JUNE SLEPT WITH JINANIE-HYUNG??? ㅇㅁㅇ_

Junhwe mutters his curses aloud. Yunhyeong is sending a bunch of shocked emoji and question marks, and Junhwe wants to kill them both.

 _no fuk u!!!_  
_!!!!_  
_you really think im gnona fuck jinanie hyung when hanbin hyung and bobby hyung are right there?_  
_???????_  
_gonna*_  
_fuck*_  
_besides i TOLD YOU he doesn’t hook up_  
_plus i don’t hink he likes me like that_  
_so fuck you both man fuck!!!_  
_!_  
_think*_

The currently typing graphic is on the screen for both Donghyuk and Yunhyeong, but Junhwe sends another _fuck you!_ for good measure and then mutes the chat. Almost immediately, however, he gets an indignant message from Donghyuk in their chat demanding to know if Junhwe had just muted the group chat, but Junhwe ignores him. It is possible, he muses, that he deserves their teasing after the relentless attacks he’s made against them for their crushes over the years, but deserving their teasing and dealing with their teasing are two very different things. Thankfully he only has to deliberately ignore them for a few more minutes before Jinhwan stirs beside him. Jinhwan makes a little noise, and then his eyes squeeze shut even tighter for a moment before they flutter open. He blinks the sleep from his eyes, rolls onto his back, and gives Junhwe a small smile. Junhwe’s stomach clenches, and he swallows. It really isn’t fair that Jinhwan is just as beautiful as ever as soon as he wakes up. Jinhwan sits up and runs a hand through his hair, and then he yawns.

“Want some food?”

Junhwe nods, and Jinhwan shuffles into the kitchen. They eat slices of the leftover cake in silence, and then Junhwe peers nervously around the doorframe into Hanbin’s room while Jinhwan rifles through the drawers for a clean shirt. It’s nice and fits better than Junhwe had expected, but it’s so weird to him that he’s wearing one of Hanbin’s shirts. Jinhwan assures him Hanbin won’t even notice, but Junhwe is suspicious. Hanbin might not usually notice, but it would be just Junhwe’s luck for him to notice now. They fix Bobby’s bed back up and put the living room in order, and Jinhwan disappears into Bobby’s room for a few minutes to change. When he reemerges, Junhwe is surprised to see him in one of Bobby’s sweaters and jackets. The sweater is a physics department sweater Bobby wears a lot to remind people that he’s actually smart, and the jacket is a well-worn bomber Junhwe has seen Bobby wear way too many times. (Junhwe is amazed that he’s gone to Pride so often he can recognize Bobby’s favorite clothes.) He wonders if Jinhwan is wearing Bobby’s clothes to make a point or if he happens to wear his friends’ clothes often (which makes Junhwe’s heart twinge a little in a weird sort of jealousy), but whatever the case, Junhwe is positive that they wouldn’t care because it’s Jinhwan. Junhwe’s eyes follow Jinhwan as he crosses the room to get his wallet and then stoops down to put on his shoes, and Junhwe wets his lips. The jeans are definitely Jinhwan’s because they fit him too nicely to be someone else’s, and god, Junhwe has got to stop staring at Jinhwan’s ass. Yunhyeong had finally pulled him aside the other day to tell him that not only is it painfully obvious, it’s actually kind of lewd.

“You trying to stay here forever or what?”

Junhwe’s eyes snap up from Jinhwan’s ass (he really can’t help it) to his face. Jinhwan is looking at Junhwe from over his shoulder with an amused expression, and his hand is on the doorknob. Right. Junhwe is leaving. Right. He scrambles from his perch on the arm of the couch and grabs his backpack, and the two of them walk to the bus stop. It’s actually quite cold outside, and Jinhwan is visibly shivering despite his sweater and jacket. Junhwe wonders if it would be too presumptuous (or telling) if he put an arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders. “It’s fucking cold,” Jinhwan complains, and Junhwe takes that as a sign from the universe. He puts his arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders and pulls him closer, and Jinhwan doesn’t miss a beat. He turns toward Junhwe slightly, his head resting against Junhwe’s chest, and he gives a small, satisfied sigh. “You’re always so warm.” It’s true; Junhwe is a human radiator. He blinks down at the top of Jinhwan’s head, glad that for once in his life the sight of Jinhwan isn’t making his heart race, and he’s struck by how intimate all of this feels. He bites his lip.

They cuddle a lot—a lot more than normal friends probably do—but that’s in the privacy of Junhwe’s apartment. They’re out here in the cold, on the street, at a bus stop in a pretty densely populated area. They aren’t doing anything inappropriate or even mildly suggestive that they’re anything more than friends (which they aren’t, Junhwe reminds himself bitterly), so it isn’t immediately apparent that Jinhwan is angled, well, directly into Junhwe’s pecs. To any passersby, it really does just look like Jinhwan is trying to steal Junhwe’s body heat. Which he is actually doing, but—one of Jinhwan’s arms, both of which had been folded across his chest before, had snaked its way around Junhwe’s waist. His hand is gripping Junhwe’s shirt, and he doesn’t let go until Junhwe takes a step toward the bus when it finally arrives. Jinhwan might like him, Junhwe starts to think again, or maybe this is just what Jinhwan does. Maybe Junhwe is just the newest addition to Jinhwan’s collection of dongsaengs who love him unconditionally and who are wrapped around his pudgy little finger.

Jinhwan ends up going all the way to Junhwe’s apartment with him. Junhwe certainly doesn’t mind the company, and it isn’t exactly like it’s more than thirty minutes round trip, so he doesn’t feel too bad. Besides, Jinhwan had insisted, and Junhwe is weak, and he’d said that he _wants_ to, _wants_ to take Junhwe home, and… Yeah, Junhwe isn’t that much of an idiot. Jinhwan is into him, but he’s Jinhwan, and that’s scary. Junhwe doesn’t want to mess anything up, and even though he’s pretty convinced of Jinhwan’s feelings for him, he still isn’t one-hundred-percent, absolutely, positively, not-a-single-shred-of-doubt sure that Jinhwan’s feelings are anything beyond platonic. _He’s like this with Bobby and Hanbin,_ Junhwe will remind himself whenever he gets too hopeful. _It doesn’t mean anything_. Junhwe stands in his doorway, staring nervously at Jinhwan. He’d somehow managed to depress himself on the bus ride over. Great. That’s exactly what he needs right now. Something of what he’s feeling must be showing on his face because Jinhwan smiles and nudges Junhwe’s leg with his foot.

“Thanks for yesterday, for real.”

Jinhwan’s voice is sincere, and it makes Junhwe feel embarrassed and uncomfortably warm. The sadness lifts a little, and Junhwe remembers the CD. He hurries inside to get it despite Jinhwan’s protests, and he stands in his kitchen for a moment just staring at it. His raw feelings, recorded and memorialized on a CD for all eternity. He swallows and goes back to the door. Jinhwan is looking up at him, that usual expression of fond exasperation he has whenever Junhwe does much of anything on his face, and the warmth Junhwe feels settles in his stomach. He shoves the bag into Jinhwan’s hands unceremoniously. “It’s nothing much, seriously, I just wanted you to have it.” Jinhwan looks somewhere between touched and suspicious, and he starts to untie the knot on the bag. The warmth in Junhwe’s stomach chills immediately. Jinhwan can’t open it _here_. He’d want to listen to it together, and Junhwe can’t handle that—he’s too awkward, too vulnerable, too emotionally constipated (Donghyuk’s words) to be able to gracefully handle listening to the Jinhwan song with the real Jinhwan right there in front of him. He slaps at Jinhwan’s hands to get him to stop, and Jinhwan frowns. He thinks Junhwe is giving him something weird. Junhwe explains that he’d just _feel_ weird if Jinhwan were to open it in front of him, and Jinhwan understands Junhwe well enough to know what that would mean.

They say goodbye, finally, and Junhwe texts Jinhwan as soon as he’s on his bed. Jinhwan responds immediately (Junhwe still isn’t convinced Hanbin won’t eviscerate him for wearing his clothes), but then he goes silent. Junhwe will just have to wait for Jinhwan to listen to the CD. He’s sung for all kinds of girls and even some guys, and it’s always managed to earn him sex—not that that’s the only thing he wants with Jinhwan. He whimpers in agony and hugs his pillow as he watches some variety show. He hopes Jinhwan will understand, that he’ll text Junhwe to say he feels the same. But when his phone buzzes an hour later, Junhwe is shocked to see that it’s a message from Mirae. They haven’t spoken since they’d broken up, really—not since he’d sent her pictures of himself making out with guys, she’d spread them to the whole school, and then he’d spent an entire day of his life sending her angry then desperate messages, which had culminated eventually in a screaming match outside the cafeteria. Well, Junhwe had been screaming, hysterical, and Mirae had been her usual cold, calm, and calculating self. She’d called him a disgrace, a pathetic attention seeker, a charlatan with behavior that befits the _charity case,_ and man, Junhwe had never felt worse in his entire life. So for her to text him now? After all that? His brow furrows.

_Hi, June. Can we talk?_

_no_

_I am aware that we parted on unfriendly terms, but I would like to fix what I’ve broken. I recognize that what happened was my fault._

Junhwe stares at the message. He’s always hated how she texts, like some sort of literature professor, and he can’t believe that she wants to try to be his friend again. No way is that happening. And yet, she’s admitting that she had been in the wrong; Junhwe has never seen her take the blame for anything. She’s never apologized, not for anything—not for anything that had ever mattered anyway. She’d somehow turned every awful thing she’d done to Junhwe into something that had been his fault, and he’d always been the one to apologize. Begged her to forgive him or give him another chance when he hadn’t even done anything wrong. He had moved on from that chapter in his life (mostly, anyway), but now that she’s here, a solid presence in his life again instead of a haunting specter of his past, he starts to feel odd. His heart throbs, and his skin starts to prickle.

_June?_

_ok_

Somewhere in the back of Junhwe’s mind a voice that sounds suspiciously like Donghyuk is yelling at him, telling him that this is a terrible idea, that Mirae had manipulated him and his feelings, that she had done awful things to him just because she could. But Junhwe is a good person, and he doesn’t hate her. He would never date her again—he doesn’t even want to be her friend again—but he doesn’t hate her either. He groans and drags a hand across his face. He can try to be civil (partially for his own sanity), and if she gets out of control or starts acting like her usual shitty self… Well, Junhwe is no longer a teenager, he has some perspective, and he certainly isn’t afraid to tell her where to shove it anymore. He glares at his phone.

_I heard you’ll be having another big party this year._

_ya_

_Would it be all right if I came?_

_ya_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Mirae song is based on Jasmine Thompson's cover of "Let Her Go," and the Jinhwan song is based on "Cello Song" by Nick Drake.


	2. Midnight Iris Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Sea-iris, brittle flower, one petal like a shell is broken, and you print a shadow like a thin twig.”_  
>  – H.D., “Sea Iris”

Junhwe and Mirae are talking again.

Well, it’s not like they’re best buddies, and her messages are rare and his replies even rarer, but they are messaging each other. Surprisingly, she hasn’t said anything nasty about gay people or Donghyuk or Junhwe or his pictures or his charity case lifestyle in general. In fact, she’s been civil. He wonders why until Yunhyeong tells him nervously that his sister had mentioned that Mirae is looking to get back with him. Junhwe freezes, his mouth hanging open, and the bit of pastry on his fork drops off the tip and bounces off the table before landing sadly on the ground. It suddenly makes sense—she’s been asking him questions about his music and YouTube channel, so of course she wants to get back with him. He’s slightly famous. Something could come of his music if he were to really try, he knows it, but he doesn’t want anything out of it. Not really. Not when he’s being honest with himself. But _she_ could want something out of it, and it would be just like her to groom a budding star into a celebrity rather than marry some rich businessman’s son. It would be more fun for her to marry a celebrity. He puts his fork down and sighs.

“Junhwe?”  
“Yeah, she—she started messaging me a while ago.”  
Yunhyeong’s mouth drops open in surprise. “What?”  
“It makes sense now, I guess. She just wants to—”  
“But what about Jinhwanie-hyung?”  
“—because—w-what?” Junhwe looks up at Yunhyeong, bewildered.  
“You guys—I mean— _you_ like him, god knows it, you won’t shut up about it, but with Mirae—you’d choose Mirae over him?”  
Junhwe’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. “Hyung, you can’t think—hyung, fuck, I’d _never_ date that sorry excuse for a human being ever again. I don’t even want to be friends with her.”  
“Oh,” Yunhyeong says lamely.  
“I just,” Junhwe starts, gesturing wildly. He feels like he needs to justify himself. “I just—I don’t hate her even though I probably should, so I thought it would be okay if I humored her, you know?”  
Yunhyeong sits back in his chair, his expression thoughtful. “This is strangely mature of you,” he says. “You don’t owe her anything, but you’re still being nice.”

Junhwe sips his coffee then clears his throat. He doesn’t owe Mirae anything, and he doesn’t have to go out of his way to be nice, but that’s just how he is. Contrary to popular belief, he’s actually a good person, and he _can_ be thoughtful. He just chooses not to be sometimes, and sometimes he simply can’t help running his mouth or behaving selfishly. But he’ll give Mirae her chance to prove she’s capable of being a decent human being, and if she fucks up, he has no qualms about dropping her and having that be that. She’d been horrible, but Junhwe doesn’t think anyone should be held to how they acted at seventeen for the rest of their lives. (Junhwe would be in trouble too if that were the case.) So he talks to her every so often, and it’s harmless, he thinks. The most annoying thing so far has been Donghyuk’s cycle between pitying and disappointed frowns, which Junhwe has dutifully been ignoring. But Junhwe knows what he wants—he doesn’t miss Mirae like he had a year ago, and all the good things she had given him he gets now from his friends and his hobbies; he doesn’t need her to feel like his life is worth something anymore.

The weeks crawl by until it’s suddenly Junhwe’s twentieth birthday. It’s on a Wednesday, so there isn’t really anything to do other than study, but his friends don’t forget about him. Yunhyeong treats him to lunch and gives him a hat; Donghyuk buys him dinner and gives him gloves; and Jinhwan tags along for dinner too and gives Junhwe a big fluffy scarf that he says is from him, Hanbin, and Bobby. (Clearly there had been some colluding between his friends on what gifts to get him this year.) But when they’re eating dessert, Jinhwan hands Junhwe another present. “And this one’s just from me,” he says, and his smile is shy. It’s a DVD of Junhwe’s new favorite movie—he’d watched it no less than five times at the theater, twice with Jinhwan, and he almost can’t believe that Jinhwan would willingly choose to fuel his latest obsession. “You know I’m just going to make you watch it even more now, right?” Jinhwan laughs, and his eyes are warm. “As long as you’re happy.” From the other side of the table Donghyuk groans and complains that Jinhwan has no idea what he’s just unleashed upon the world, but Jinhwan grins. “Oh, I’m well aware,” he says, “but he’ll watch other things if I ask.” Donghyuk’s jaw drops in surprise as he looks between Jinhwan and Junhwe, and his expression clearly says _I had no idea you were this whipped but everything makes sense now,_ so Junhwe coughs and hits Jinhwan’s shoulder. “Thanks, hyung.” Jinhwan beams at him, and Junhwe swallows.

Junhwe’s feelings haven’t dwindled since he’d given Jinhwan the CD, but Jinhwan’s reaction to it had been a little disappointing. He’d given Junhwe some standard praise via text message and mentioned it again when they’d next seen each other in person, but that had been about it. He hadn’t gushed, which had been sort of crushing, and he hadn’t thrown himself into Junhwe’s arms with a proclamation of love either. Junhwe had been glum for the first few days after that, but then he had started noticing that Jinhwan often hums it to himself, and sometimes Junhwe catches Jinhwan staring at him with a strange look on his face, like Junhwe is a puzzle that he’s trying to solve. Junhwe isn’t sure what to make of it, but Jinhwan will smile at him almost unconsciously if he notices that Junhwe has noticed, and Junhwe takes that as a good sign. Donghyuk seems to think that Junhwe should just ask Jinhwan out, but Junhwe is too scared. What if Jinhwan says no? What if Junhwe ends up ruining their friendship? He can’t risk it. This, of course, leaves Donghyuk exasperated. He suggests asking Bobby or Hanbin if they can confirm Jinhwan’s feelings, but Junhwe thinks that would be even worse than asking Jinhwan outright. It would either be mortifyingly awkward because Jinhwan doesn’t actually like him, or it would just be humiliating in general because neither of them would ever let Junhwe live having asked them down.

“Then just sit there and wallow,” Donghyuk snaps, and Junhwe throws a pillow at him.

Junhwe still doesn’t know what to do about Jinhwan by the time his birthday party rolls around, so he defaults to his tried and true method of ignoring his problems until they go away. Donghyuk’s parents are out of town (though Junhwe isn’t sure whether it’s by coincidence or design), so the house is all his. The party is supposed to start at eleven, but guests start arriving as early as ten, so Junhwe soon finds himself too busy to worry about Jinhwan. He gets tipsy enough to let some of his old boarding school friends goad him into the hot tub, which is when Mirae shows up. She’s even more beautiful now, somehow, and she smiles at him. Junhwe smiles back automatically. God damn it. “I suppose I’ll join you,” she says regally, and everyone else in the hot tub cheers. _Most popular girl in school,_ Junhwe reminds himself as he watches her stride to the bathroom. She returns in a bikini, her skin glowing a gorgeous brown, her thick black hair up in a knot on top of her head, and she smiles at him again. He smiles back, trying not to look at her chest as she steps into the tub, but she glides over to where he is and kisses his cheek. “Happy birthday,” she says in her smooth voice, and Junhwe can feel his face redden. It isn’t fair that she still has this effect on him, that she can turn him into a bumbling preteen incapable of looking his crush in the eye.

Thankfully, though, she goes back to the other side of the tub, and since they aren’t alone together, it isn’t even awkward. Really, in public, her horrid personality comes out rarely and only in small doses. Small enough that very few people know she’s an evil homophobic psychopath. Junhwe blinks at his beer. Maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about that at his own damn birthday party. Eventually Junhwe relaxes, and it’s fun even with her there. In fact, _she’s_ fun, as little as Junhwe wants to admit it, and for a while he forgets why he’d hated her in the first place. Which is why he ends up with his arm around her shoulders, why she’d managed to switch places with Bora somehow, why he’s whispering in her ear that he’d actually already tried the new beer Jihye wants him to taste… But Junhwe is wrenched back to reality when Donghyuk screeches “Goo Junhwe!” at the top of his lungs from across the room. Junhwe looks around, startled, but then he spots Donghyuk and Jinhwan. Without thinking he hands his beer back to Jihye and clambers out of the hot tub. Donghyuk and Jinhwan are walking toward him, and he jogs over to meet them halfway. Junhwe runs a hand through his wet hair and grins.

“I’d hug you, but I’m all wet.”

Donghyuk, best best friend of all time, runs to the chest against the wall to get a towel. He gives the towel to Junhwe and then leaves, and Junhwe watches Jinhwan watch Donghyuk go. Jinhwan has that pinched look around his eyes and mouth that means he’s uncomfortable. Too many people, probably. Too many people he doesn’t know on top of that. Junhwe asks him if he’s all right, and he says he’s fine. But when Junhwe tells him the number of people will probably increase, Jinhwan’s expression sours. “Right,” he says. Junhwe tilts his head. Something isn’t quite right. Jinhwan isn’t just anxious; he’s annoyed by something. Junhwe chews the inside of his cheek. “You sure you’re all right?” Jinhwan gives Junhwe possibly the fakest smile anyone has ever made in his presence, tells Junhwe to get back in the tub, and then says he’s going to look for Bobby. Junhwe tells Jinhwan to loosen up before he strolls back to the hot tub. But as soon as he’s sat back down, it suddenly hits him that Jinhwan had wandered off in search of Bobby. Of _course._ Junhwe is an idiot. He stands abruptly, declares that he’s pruning and is therefore done with the hot tub, and marches off to the shower. He rinses off, changes back into his clothes, and then heads for the deck.

He finds Yunhyeong there entertaining a large group of girls by the fire pit, so he joins the conversation but isn’t paying much attention; he’s too busy brooding. Jinhwan is looking for Bobby, of course he’s looking for Bobby, of course he wants Bobby, that’s all he ever wants, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, what use is Junhwe, he can’t compare, he isn’t as smart or as cool as Bobby, he—

“June, what are you talking about?”

Junhwe blinks. Mirae’s eyebrows are raised, an amused smile tugging at the corners of her lips. Yunhyeong is trying (and failing) to hold back laughter. Junhwe tilts his head, and Mirae shakes hers. “Bobby, Bobby, Bobby,” she says. “Who’s that?” Junhwe resists the urge to groan. Apparently he’d been mumbling some of his thoughts aloud. He waves a dismissive hand and says that Bobby is just a hyung, and Mirae’s eyes narrow. She thinks Junhwe is trying to sleep with every guy he mentions that she doesn’t know since gay people all sleep around, apparently, according to her. Doesn’t really help that Junhwe kind of does—but she’s still a dick for being so judgmental. He glances at Yunhyeong. “I’m gonna find Donghyuk.” He slouches off, a little put out, and wanders around until he stumbles onto Donghyuk making out with some Pride hyung Junhwe has seen once or twice. He spins on his heel to make a fast retreat and almost walks right into Mirae. She wrinkles her nose. “Don’t even start,” he says shortly, and he stomps back to the deck. Might as well go back to Yunhyeong.

They play a couple drinking games until Yunhyeong suggests that they eat the cake. Junhwe texts Donghyuk ( _are you done we want cake_ ), and the group heads to the kitchen. Donghyuk is already there, dropping a large box of plastic utensils onto the table. He seems unhappy, and Junhwe wonders why until he notices the random Pride hyung from before ripping open a sleeve of paper plates. Ah. Whether Donghyuk is mad about having been interrupted or mad because he’d assumed he’d been interrupted to start getting the cake set up, Junhwe isn’t entirely sure. His head is swimming a little, and he’s buzzed, a good buzz, so all he does is walk right back out of the kitchen with Yunhyeong. “Cake!” he screams at the top of his lungs, and Yunhyeong wastes no time tearing off through the rest of the house to announce that it’s time to cut the cake. Dozens of people pile into the kitchen, pushing Junhwe toward the middle, and he lets himself be swept away. It’s always nice to be the center of attention. But as he watches Donghyuk put in the candles, he feels a pang in his chest, and he blinks. Where is Jinhwan?

The thought of doing this without Jinhwan, of not having Jinhwan nearby while he blows out the candles, of not having Jinhwan be the first person to have a bite of his cake, of not having Jinhwan’s soft smile be the only thing Junhwe sees when everyone is singing happy birthday—it’s unbearable. “Where’s Jinhwan-hyung?” He hears Bobby shout something about finding him, and from beside him comes a quiet voice asking who Jinhwan is. He squints in the direction of the voice and finds Mirae. Her expression is pleasant enough, but her eyes are hard and cold. Junhwe licks his lips. “My friend,” he says, and Mirae adjusts her skirt. “A friend,” she repeats, and across her face spreads a sly smile. She types something on her phone and has just slipped it back into her bag when Bobby shoves Jinhwan at Junhwe. Jinhwan has a dubious look on his face, his cheeks and the tips of his ears tinged pink, and god, Junhwe is in love. He feels himself smile and takes a step closer to Jinhwan, his hand resting on the small of Jinhwan’s back. 

“I was almost afraid you’d left,” Junhwe says honestly. “I want you to be the first to try my cake.”

Jinhwan looks up at him in surprise and then gazes at the cake. He makes a joke about how ostentatious it is—well, Junhwe isn’t totally sure if it’s a joke, so he gives an honest explanation about where his cake had come from. Jinhwan still looks unconvinced, but he doesn’t have time to be incredulous because someone else shouts about how Junhwe should just blow out the fucking candles already. Bobby starts singing happy birthday, the rest of the guests join in, and Junhwe has a huge smile on his face; he can’t help it. Mirae touches his arm and he grins at her—broad, uninhibited—and her sweet smile takes him back. He isn’t twenty and over her anymore; he’s sixteen, his heart filled with puppy love, and her gentle smile and delicate touches wash away the insults she’d just slung at him, at Donghyuk, at the holes in the sweater of his fraying uniform. It had been a happy moment, perhaps the happiest in their relationship, and as Junhwe blows out the candles, the Mirae song drifts up from the depths of his foggy brain. _Only know you love her when you let her go…_

But the illusion is shattered by Mirae herself. She pushes his face into the cake—his beautiful cake—and just like that, Junhwe is dragged back through the memories of everything that had happened between them after his sixteenth birthday: The way she had manipulated him, the constant stream of abuse she’d aimed at every friend he’d had, how she’d outed him in the most humiliating way possible… He straightens slowly, back in the moment, the pleasant warmth left by the alcohol and nostalgia gone. He wipes some of the frosting off his eyes. He’d given her only _seconds_ of himself with his guard down and she’d still managed to damage him. He’s an idiot. He feels a hand on his shoulder, and when he glances to his right, he sees Mirae closing the distance between them. Junhwe freezes (of course he fucking freezes, he’s a fucking idiot), so Mirae stands on her tiptoes, gives him a cool smile, and then licks some of the frosting off his cheek.

Junhwe jerks back.

It’s stupid, the fact that she still has this effect on him, but he isn’t drunk enough to let her have complete control. He doesn’t care about her that way anymore either, which also helps. Still, though, he needs to get out of here. He needs to escape. His eyes dart around the room until they settle on Jinhwan. Jinhwan’s eyes are wide, his mouth open slightly in surprise, but there is an understanding in his gaze that isn’t present anywhere else in the room on the faces of the laughing and whooping party guests. Jinhwan _gets_ him, _gets_ him like so few people really have. He covers up his irritation with a joke and then jostles his way through the crowd, grabbing Jinhwan by the wrist on his way out. Jinhwan lets himself get dragged through the house without a word, and Junhwe locks them both in a guest bathroom. “Why the fuck did she think that was okay?” he snaps. He turns on the sink and glares at his reflection. Jinhwan hops onto the counter and holds out a towel. “So who is she? New girlfriend?” Junhwe barks out a laugh. As if. It registers briefly that he’s never mentioned Mirae to Jinhwan before, but the thought disappears almost immediately.

Junhwe gives Jinhwan a crash course on his history with Mirae while he washes off his face. Jinhwan doesn’t say anything, and Junhwe isn’t sure if he’s grateful for that or not. He can’t stop now that he’s started, and he probably wouldn’t be able to go on if Jinhwan were to interrupt him. But he half hopes that Jinhwan will interrupt him anyway just so he doesn’t have to dredge up those memories. High school. So stupid. He’s just started his second year at university; he’s too old for this. He grips the towel so hard his knuckles turn white, and then he swears and flings it into the sink. “And she’s just been following me around all night. It’s so fucking stupid. I don’t get it.” Jinhwan drums his fingers on the counter, a pensive look on his face. He asks for Junhwe to give him the towel, and Junhwe does. “All right, c’mere.” Apparently Junhwe still has cake in his hair. Of course he does. He’d been too busy being angry about Mirae to really do a good job of cleaning himself up. He shuffles the few steps to where Jinhwan is and lowers his head. Jinhwan runs the towel through Junhwe’s hair, his touch so gentle, and Junhwe closes his eyes. “How drunk are you?” Junhwe opens his eyes and starts to look up, confused, but Jinhwan pushes his head back down. Junhwe hears himself ramble about not being super drunk but still sort of drunk because he’s too drunk to be able to deal with Mirae and, really, he has no idea what he’s talking about anymore.

But what he’s said must not matter because Jinhwan just laughs. Junhwe hears the wet towel plop onto the counter and then feels a soft dry one run through his hair, followed by Jinhwan’s fingers. “There,” Jinhwan says, and Junhwe looks up. They’re so close, Junhwe realizes, and he tries not to fidget. Jinhwan is smiling at him, a sweet, genuine smile, and Junhwe grins back. He can’t help it. Mirae, the cake, everything that’s irritated him tonight—Junhwe feels it all wash away. Jinhwan starts drumming his fingers on the countertop again, and Junhwe is surprised to notice Jinhwan’s ears turning red. What could he possibly be embarrassed about? They’re locked in a bathroom in Donghyuk’s house and he’d just cleaned cake crumbs and frosting out of Junhwe’s hair. If anything, _Junhwe_ should be the one turning red in this situation. He squints, and Jinhwan’s expression changes slightly, from relaxed to unreadable. “So, um…” he starts to say in a shaky voice. Nerves? “I like you a lot.”

Junhwe’s brain actually stops working. The words _I like you a lot_ are the only things rattling around inside his head. Jinhwan does like him, Jinhwan had admitted to liking him, _he likes Junhwe a lot._ “I like you too,” Junhwe says—or at least, he’d thought he’d said that, but Jinhwan pinches him. “Junhwe-yah?” Junhwe opens his mouth, tries to say that he feels the same, but the words won’t come. God, he’s such a bumbling idiot. “So do you wanna like… date… or something?” Jinhwan asks. He looks so earnest and yet so embarrassed, his eyes hard and determined but his ears bright red. He’s trying, he’s trying so hard, and it just reminds Junhwe of what he likes so much about Jinhwan in the first place. Junhwe stands up straight and clears his throat, and when he opens his mouth, it’s the Jinhwan song that comes out. _So forget this cruel world where I belong; I’ll just sit and wait and sing my song._ Jinhwan smiles and takes Junhwe’s hand, and Junhwe’s heart is fluttering. _And if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the clouds._

Jinhwan’s other hand comes up to the back of Junhwe’s neck, his fingers tickling at Junhwe’s hair, and Junhwe lets himself be pulled down into a kiss. He’s imagined this moment countless times, but absolutely nothing beats being able to kiss the real thing. Jinhwan makes a little noise in the back of his throat, Junhwe slips a hand under Jinhwan’s sweater, and, god, Jinhwan’s skin is so warm and soft and—he’s pulling back? Junhwe grumbles. “Hyung, it was just getting good.” Jinhwan glares at him. Apparently he doesn’t approve of Junhwe’s ignoring his party guests. But what do they even matter? Junhwe tells Jinhwan as much, but Jinhwan shakes his head and slips off the countertop. Junhwe wants to complain, and he does, but Jinhwan just takes his hand and pulls him from the bathroom. “Having to go talk to a bunch of losers I don’t even like that much feels like even more of a chore now,” Junhwe grumbles. Jinhwan smiles and squeezes Junhwe’s hand. “You’ll be fine.”

And it is fine because Jinhwan stays with him for the rest of the time he’s at the party, all the while their shoulders or knees are touching, or one of them has a hand on the other, and it just feels… right. Having Jinhwan with him makes it easier for Junhwe to ignore Mirae too, and he finds a twisted satisfaction in seeing her so frustrated. When Jinhwan says he’s ready to go home, Junhwe walks with him, Hanbin, and Bobby to the front door to see them out. Junhwe is drunk for real by now, but pleasantly so, and he’s drunk enough that he keeps trying to hold Jinhwan’s hand even though Jinhwan is trying to put on his shoes. “Stop that,” Jinhwan says finally. His ears are pink. Bobby looks between the two of them, and then he gasps. “No way!” he says in English. “You guys are seriously finally together?” Hanbin, who had been halfway out the door, leaps back inside with a shriek. Jinhwan’s cheeks are pink now too. “Finally?” he repeats, trying to seem annoyed, but he just looks embarrassed. Bobby gathers Jinhwan up in his arms, cooing, and ruffles Jinhwan’s hair. “My bro,” he mumbles in English, “my bro, my bro.” Hanbin joins in, and the sight of the three of them is enough to make Junhwe start howling with laughter, but that seems to be the last straw for Jinhwan. He throws Hanbin and Bobby off and in a low voice tells them to wait in the car. Hanbin is sober enough to understand the danger, and he drags a drunk, complaining Bobby out into the night. 

Jinhwan fixes his hair and smooths his shirt. “Fucking nerds.”  
He looks up at Junhwe, his expression daring Junhwe to keep laughing, but Junhwe isn’t stupid. He bites his lip to stop himself, and Jinhwan sighs and rubs his eyes.  
“I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?”  
Junhwe nods. He says goodbye and gives Jinhwan a hug, but then he steps back and grins. “I forgot I can kiss you now.” Jinhwan raises his eyebrows, and Junhwe frowns. “Wait, I can, right?”  
Jinhwan nods so Junhwe kisses him, and he can feel Jinhwan start to smile. “I’ll text you,” he says again in a soft voice.  
“Okay,” Junhwe says, and Jinhwan leaves. The smile he gives Junhwe as he goes makes Junhwe feel warm.

Junhwe wakes up sometime in the midafternoon the next day with a hangover. He groans into his pillow and grabs his phone, forcing one eye open. He has hundreds of notifications—most are birthday messages from the party guests, but there a few from Yunhyeong asking if he wants breakfast and if he’s okay, one is just an angry face from Donghyuk, and… Junhwe opens both eyes wide. There are several messages from Jinhwan.

_Hey ♡_  
_Hope you aren’t too hungover…_  
_Kind of want to see you today but I get it if you can’t. If not can I come over Tuesday?_

And then about an hour later: _Answer me you clown._

It hadn’t been a dream; Jinhwan really had confessed to Junhwe last night and they really had made out. Junhwe responds ( _NOT a fuckin clown.! and ya come over i’ll tell you when im home_ ) and sits up slowly. This is really happening. He shuffles to the living room where he finds Donghyuk and Yunhyeong playing Mario Kart. “There’s a plate for you in the fridge,” Yunhyeong says lazily without looking at Junhwe. Junhwe grunts and goes into the kitchen. A certified Yunhyeong Breakfast Plate is sitting in the refrigerator as promised, and Junhwe watches it warm in the microwave with a thoughtful frown. He might as well tell his friends since Hanbin and Bobby know already. He drops down on the couch beside Donghyuk.

“Jinhwanie-hyung asked me out yesterday,” Junhwe says around a mouthful of egg.  
Yunhyeong drops his controller, and Donghyuk gasps. “And what did you say?” he demands.  
“I said we should go out,” Junhwe says. They don’t need to know he had actually been utterly incapable of forming a coherent sentence.  
Donghyuk punches Junhwe’s shoulder. “It’s about damn time! Me and Bobby-hyung have been talking for a while now about how sad it is to see you two pining after each other.”  
“Seriously,” Yunhyeong agrees, “you were honestly getting kind of annoying.”  
“Whatever,” Junhwe huffs.

Later, when Donghyuk drops Junhwe off at his apartment, he leans over to grab Junhwe’s arm as Junhwe starts to get out of the car. “I’m really happy for you, man, for real.” Junhwe’s cheeks turn pink. “Thanks,” he mumbles, and Donghyuk smiles.

By that point Junhwe had thought, perhaps naïvely, that he had already known pretty much everything there is to know about Jinhwan. Well, he knows almost nothing about Jinhwan’s childhood, but he does at least know Jinhwan the adult better than most people. But their relationship brings to the table a lot of things that Junhwe had never known about Jinhwan, and there is an adjustment period for things that Junhwe hadn’t really expected to have to adjust for, like Jinhwan’s anxiety. Junhwe has known for a long time that Jinhwan struggles with anxiety, and he’s seen Jinhwan’s mood changes firsthand on multiple occasions. What he realizes he’s never seen before, however, is a full-blown panic attack. He’d just gotten out of the shower after working out one day early in their relationship when Jinhwan had called him. Junhwe had answered, of course, but on the other end of the line he’d heard only gasps and sobs. He’d sat up in bed, concerned. “Hyung? Hyung, what’s wrong?” It had taken a while for Jinhwan to be able to choke out, “Come to the—science library—I need—you—” and Junhwe had all but run from his apartment to find Jinhwan. 

He had found Jinhwan on a bench on the deserted side of the library, and Jinhwan had dropped his phone beside him and met Junhwe halfway. He’d reached for Junhwe’s arm, but Junhwe had tugged him into a hug. Jinhwan had tensed for a moment, but then he’d relaxed, and his arms had wrapped around Junhwe too. He had calmed, eventually, and the sight of him like that had broken Junhwe’s heart. They’d sat back down on the bench, and Jinhwan had explained what had happened (something about being told one deadline by his advisor but another deadline’s being on the website, and then convincing himself he’d missed his chance for a research opportunity). “Sorry about this,” he’d mumbled, both of his arms curling around one of Junhwe’s as he’d rested his head against Junhwe’s shoulder. “I couldn’t get ahold of Bobby.” It had taken all of Junhwe’s self-control not to let his disappointment show on his face.

Because that had been another thing that had taken some getting used to—Junhwe sometimes feels like he just can’t compare to Hanbin and Bobby. This feeling had gotten worse after Jinhwan had mentioned offhandedly that Bobby had talked him through an episode. His last attack before that had been the one at the science library, and Junhwe had felt a bit hurt that Jinhwan had turned to Bobby instead of to him because he’d thought maybe he’d done something wrong the first time. He knows that Jinhwan’s problems aren’t and shouldn’t be a competition between the people closest to him to try to prove their closeness, but it had made Junhwe confront the fact that he really has no idea what to do in such situations. He doesn’t want to do anything or make Jinhwan feel worse, and he wants Jinhwan to feel like he can depend on Junhwe too. So Junhwe had swallowed his pride and talked to Bobby about it. Bobby had been, as usual, frank, open, and sincere, and he’d helped Junhwe better understand how to help Jinhwan. “He knows how to calm himself down and everything, but even so, like, just talking him through it, like the breathing and stuff, that helps,” Bobby had said. “And he likes to hold onto my arm.” The arm thing had been eye-opening—no wonder he’d gone straight for Junhwe’s arm that time—and Junhwe had noticed that Jinhwan will sometimes hold onto Junhwe’s forearm instead of his hand. So it’s an anxiety thing. Bobby had also explained other methods for helping people through panic attacks, and Junhwe had left that conversation feeling a little better prepared.

But Junhwe’s feelings of inadequacy hadn’t stopped there: They had been at their worst—and their most mortifying—when Jinhwan and Junhwe had first started sleeping together. They had discussed sex early on, so Junhwe had felt even more like the world’s worst boyfriend when he’d found out he’d been leaving bruises he hadn’t meant to leave all over Jinhwan. Jinhwan had insisted they weren’t a big deal, that most of them didn’t hurt during or after, but Junhwe had been distraught. And on top of that, he’d found out Jinhwan had talked about it with Bobby. Humiliating. Any time he’d found a bruise anywhere on Jinhwan’s body after that, he couldn’t help but think it had gotten there because of him no matter what Jinhwan would say. It had only been when he’d brought Jinhwan to frustrated tears because he’d refused to accept Jinhwan’s explanation about a large bruise on his side (apparently from walking into a desk) that Junhwe had finally been able to see past his own uneasiness and realize the distress he’d been causing Jinhwan too. Another point for the world’s worst boyfriend.

So the first few weeks of their relationship had gotten off to a bit of a rocky start—for Junhwe, at least. He just hadn’t felt good enough for someone like Jinhwan. He hadn’t been able to make Jinhwan feel better when he’d been sad, hadn’t been able to be as good a friend as Bobby, hadn’t even been able to keep from hurting him during sex. But Junhwe’s deficiencies don’t seem to trouble Jinhwan in the slightest because he is somehow even more supportive now than he had been as Junhwe’s friend. He lets Junhwe unabashedly be himself—he understands and accepts Junhwe’s flaws for what they are, so Junhwe starts to accept them too. Jinhwan just makes Junhwe so _happy,_ and Junhwe is eventually able to see that he makes Jinhwan happy too, which makes him even happier. He loves this feeling, and it only grows as the months pass until they’ve spent the better part of a year together and Junhwe finds himself face to face with the fact that he might actually be in love. 

The thought strikes him at a Pride event. He’d managed to coax Jinhwan into coming to the fall barbecue with him. (The allure of free food had been enough to convince Jinhwan to brave the crowds.) But Jinhwan is chatting with some upperclassmen, so Junhwe is watching Donghyuk grill some meat. Junhwe is just about to lose his mind from boredom when he hears Jinhwan shriek. “Put me down!” Junhwe whips around to find Jinhwan slung over Bobby’s shoulder. Everyone, including Jinhwan, is laughing, so with a grumble Junhwe turns back around. Donghyuk raises his eyebrows. “Oh, just spit it out,” Junhwe snaps, and Donghyuk rolls his eyes. Junhwe looks back over his shoulder, and now Bobby is depositing Jinhwan on a blanket with some older Pride members even further away. He sighs. “You could just go over there,” Donghyuk suggests mildly. Junhwe purses his lips. Or he could just stay here and be the first to get a plate. Donghyuk shrugs. “Whatever you say.” A few minutes later he’s finished grilling, and he makes Junhwe a plate. “Make another one, for Jinhwanie-hyung,” Junhwe says. “Actually, no, nothing for me.” Junhwe and Donghyuk both jump in surprise. Jinhwan had appeared at Junhwe’s side. He smiles up at Junhwe, but Junhwe frowns. Jinhwan is pale, his eyes heavy, and he slowly curls his arms around one of Junhwe’s and leans against him.

“What’s wrong?” Junhwe asks.  
“Fatigue,” Jinhwan says as he laces their fingers together. “I came to ask if I could go lie down on your couch.”  
“Of course, hyung,” Junhwe says immediately.  
“Great,” Jinhwan says, and he smiles again. “Would you mind walking with me?”  
“Of course not.”

The barbecue isn’t too far of a walk from Junhwe’s apartment, and they’re silent most of the way. “It hit me out of nowhere,” Jinhwan says as they climb the stairs. His grip on Junhwe’s arm tightens. “Thanks for doing this.” Junhwe mutters that it isn’t a problem. When they get inside, Jinhwan drops immediately onto the couch. He lets out a small sigh of contentment and lies back, his knees bent, his arms crossed on his chest. Junhwe squats beside him.

“You don’t want the bed?”  
“No, this is fine.”  
Junhwe wets his lips and looks at his feet for a moment. “You…” He hesitates. “You ate, right?”  
“Don’t worry,” Jinhwan says with a small laugh. “I’m not going to faint again. Doesn’t happen that often, really, only like once a year. I just need a little rest.” He reaches out to pat Junhwe’s cheek. “Go back to the thing. I’ll be back in a while, okay?”  
“Right,” Junhwe says, and Jinhwan smiles softly.  
“See you later then,” Jinhwan says as he closes his eyes.  
“Yeah,” Junhwe mutters, and he resists the urge to add “I love you.”

He finds himself wanting to say it, _I love you,_ all the time for no real reason at all. He and Mirae had said it to each other often, but this feels different. It’s confusing. He doesn’t think he’d been in love with her, not in the way all the songs talk about anyway, but he had liked her a lot despite everything that had gone on between them. They’d had some good times. But it’s when he wants to say it here, as he watches Jinhwan fall asleep, and later in the evening when Jinhwan rejoins them all at the bar and grins at Junhwe when they beat everyone else at darts, and even later that night when Junhwe kisses Jinhwan goodbye outside the bar that Junhwe realizes just how often this phenomenon is happening. It’s confusing all right. He decides to ask Donghyuk about it. Donghyuk isn’t particularly helpful, and as always, he gets a little testy when the conversation inevitably turns to Mirae, but he hadn’t suggested that Junhwe is an idiot, or that he’s moving too fast, or that his feelings aren’t real. Junhwe thinks that should count for something. Maybe it isn’t love, maybe he just likes Jinhwan a lot, but either way, he likes Jinhwan enough that he thinks he should come out to his family. He _wants_ to tell them about Jinhwan. He wants them to share in his happiness.

Junhwe is pretty sure his parents won’t care he’s dating a guy, but he’s still afraid to tell them because it would make everything real. He’d be taking the next step, crossing a line he can’t go back from, heading eyes closed into unknown territory. It’s scary because Junhwe still isn’t totally sure he wants to face his feelings quite yet, which is what telling his family would mean. He waffles back and forth for another few days before he finally asks his sister if he can call her. He tells her about Jinhwan, and she gets mad—apparently because she’d wanted to snag Jinhwan for herself. But she doesn’t question Junhwe or make it weird at all. It’s nice, and it makes him even more confident that his parents won’t care either. He video calls his mother right after, afraid that his courage will fizzle out without the high he’s feeling now.

“Is Dad with you?” Junhwe asks without even saying hello.  
“Yes,” his mother says as she smiles. She calls for him, and a moment later he’s seated beside her on the couch.  
“I wanted to tell you guys that I’m seeing someone,” Junhwe says.  
“That’s great!” his mother replies happily. “What’s her name?”  
“His name is Kim Jinhwan,” Junhwe says.

His parents stare at him, and Junhwe chews his lip. Had he misjudged them? His mother’s frown grows more pronounced, and Junhwe holds his breath, ready to hang up and run, when his father suddenly speaks.

“Is that the one who was your mentor at school?”  
“No,” Junhwe’s mother says before Junhwe can say anything. “That’s Song Yunhyeong.” She looks back at Junhwe. “The name sounds so familiar, but I can’t quite place it…”  
Junhwe blinks. “You met him over the summer. He had brunch with us.”  
“Ah!” cries his father.  
“Of course!” says his mother with a laugh. “Very quiet but very polite.”  
“A bit on the short side,” his father says with a nod. “But a nice young man.”

His parents go on and on about how sweet and well-mannered Jinhwan had been, with his mother throwing in the occasional compliment about Jinhwan’s looks, and Junhwe almost isn’t sure what to do. He had expected them to be fine but confused, but he had never imagined that they would be so genuinely happy for him. His throat sticks up, and he swallows and sniffles, and his mother heaves a contented sigh. “You know, I noticed you’ve been happier,” she says. “I’m glad he makes you happy.” His father agrees and adds that he hopes to see Jinhwan around Christmas when Junhwe comes back home. Junhwe promises to ask.

The whole thing had been like a catalyst. Junhwe finally starts to see just how good everything is. He’s getting decent grades, Mirae doesn’t text him much anymore, he has tons of friends, and for the first time since he’d started dating Jinhwan months ago, he's beginning to feel like the person that Jinhwan deserves. “You’ve been really happy lately,” Jinhwan tells him one night with a laugh. “What’s going on with you?” Junhwe had brushed him off and made a joke out of it because he’d have felt like way too much of a sap if he’d responded with _You._ But it isn’t too long after that that he finally says “I love you” out loud to Jinhwan. They haven’t been alone together for a while because of Jinhwan’s schedule, so Jinhwan had promised to spend the whole weekend with Junhwe. It’s been nice so far, really nice, and Junhwe feels loose and comfortable and safe. His face is pressed against the back of Jinhwan’s neck, and Jinhwan’s fingers are running gently across the back of Junhwe’s hands. Junhwe holds Jinhwan tighter and breathes in deep. Jinhwan smells like pine.

“I love you,” Junhwe mumbles into Jinhwan’s neck. “I think I love you. I do.”

Jinhwan asks him what he’d said, and Junhwe repeats it. Jinhwan snorts because Junhwe _thinks_ he loves Jinhwan? Junhwe’s heartbeat quickens, his stomach clenches, and he tries to impress upon Jinhwan the force of his feelings. “I can’t think of a time I felt like this. I mean it. I think I’m in love with you.” Jinhwan laughs a little and pats Junhwe’s hands. “I love you too,” he says, and Junhwe thinks his heart might burst. He pulls Jinhwan closer, holding him even tighter, not really caring if he’s squeezing too hard. He takes another deep breath. Pine. Jinhwan always smells like pine. It must be his shampoo… 

Junhwe wakes up sometime later, groggy. He feels beside him on the bed, but Jinhwan isn’t there. “Hyung?” he rasps. He rubs the sleep from his eyes, sits up, and clears his throat. “Hyung?” he calls, louder. There’s no response. Confused, Junhwe rolls from the bed and shuffles into the kitchen area. Jinhwan isn’t there, isn’t in the main room, isn’t in the bathroom. Junhwe resists the strange desire to check under the bed and flops back down on top of it. Maybe Jinhwan had gone out to get food? Junhwe only has two eggs, a single slice of bread, and five beers. He doesn’t even have any rice or kimchi. With a sigh he scoots over to Jinhwan’s side of the bed, which is when he notices the note. _Bobby emergency xo Jinan._ Bobby emergency? Junhwe squints at the note for a moment. Whatever. Jinhwan will come back once Bobby has sorted out whatever the problem is. Junhwe yawns, turns on his TV, and grabs his phone. 

He plays games absently for a while and then sets his phone aside with a frown. If Bobby had had an emergency, why hadn’t Junhwe heard about it from Donghyuk or Hanbin? Or Jinhwan himself? He texts Jinhwan ( _bob ok?_ ), but there’s no response. Junhwe bites his lip. Odd. He texts Donghyuk, asking how things are, and Donghyuk replies that things are all good with him. So Bobby is fine. If Donghyuk hadn’t said anything, then Bobby is fine. _And how’s the weekend with Jinanie-hyung going??? ㅇㅁㅇ_ Junhwe’s face falls. How is it going? Well, it _had_ been going well. They’d fucked four times already. Junhwe smiles a little at the memory and then pushes it aside. What’s really going on here? Is Bobby really going through something? Or… had it been because of what Junhwe had said? He chews his fingernail. 

_hey hyung???_  
_hyung i was wondeirnf why you left!_  
_?*_  
_wondeorinf*_  
_wondering*_  
_fuck lol_  
_hey you haven’t seen my messages and im just wondering if things are ok?_  
_managed to spell wondering right lol.._  
_hyung please i’m worired? you, bob hyung, whatever can you lmk what’s foing on?_  
_?????_  
_worried*_  
_going*_

Junhwe texts Jinhwan every so often that night, eventually resorting to sending a bunch of crying emoji. Junhwe had finally told Jinhwan that he loves him, finally said it in a vulnerable, raw moment, and Jinhwan had even said it back. But then he’d run away, citing an excuse that Junhwe isn’t even sure is real anymore. He feels hurt and confused. They had said it flippantly to each other as friends, even sometimes after they’d gotten together, but it had never meant anything. They had always been friendly exchanges, not romantic ones. It’s never been said the way that Junhwe had said it earlier, and he’s sure Jinhwan knows that too. He plucks at his comforter. Had he been too forward? Too presumptuous? Too himself? He sleeps uneasily that night.

When Junhwe wakes up the next day, there’s still no response from Jinhwan. Junhwe sends him a few more crying emoji, and then he spends the day sulking. He even gets some work done because he has nothing better to do. Around midafternoon, while he’s moodily finishing the rest of the chicken he’d ordered yesterday, Jinhwan finally texts him back. It’s a sleeping emoji. That’s literally it. Junhwe stares at it, and from the pit of his stomach bubble up flecks of anger. That’s all Jinhwan can say? He texts back ( _huh??_ ), but Jinhwan doesn’t respond. Of course he doesn’t. Junhwe huffs, irritated. Of course Jinhwan has better things to do with Bobby. Junhwe runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He isn’t being fair. He hasn’t heard what Jinhwan has to say yet, and if he’s learned one thing from his relationship so far, it’s patience. A little bit, anyway.

But he hasn’t gotten _that_ patient, so he calls Jinhwan about half an hour later. He shouts when Jinhwan answers—not angrily, but in his Junhwe-way where everything he says and does is just _loud._ He demands to know where Jinhwan had gone and why, and then because he’s an idiot, he adds that their weekend alone together was supposed to have meant lots of wild sex. Jinhwan sighs on the other end of the line. “First of all, hello to you too, dear.” Junhwe can imagine him, exasperated but fond, and he smiles to himself. Okay, so maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe he’d overreacted.

“Second of all, stop yelling. Do you _know_ the kind of ammunition you’re giving Hanbin right now? And third, it’s like I said in my note—Bobby emergency.”  
Junhwe frowns. “Bobby emergency? But—okay. So he had an emergency, you had to leave, I get it, but like, is he okay? Are _you_ okay? And where even are you, hyung, like are you at home or are you out somewhere with Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung or—”  
“I’m at the apartment,” Jinhwan interrupts.  
“Okay,” Junhwe says. So Jinhwan’s at Hanbin and Bobby’s place. He probably won’t want to leave again because they have school tomorrow, but maybe Junhwe can go over and salvage what’s left of his weekend. “Would they be mad if I came over?”  
“Probably not, but I’ll ask.” There’s a short, muffled conversation, and then Jinhwan laughs. “It’s fine, but bring meat.”  
Junhwe snorts. “Right.”  
“Well…” Jinhwan trails off.  
“Bye,” Junhwe says.  
“Bye,” Jinhwan says, and then he hangs up.

Junhwe had wanted to say _I love you_ but had stopped himself.

He gets dressed and walks to the nearby supermarket. On his way there he gets a text from Jinhwan saying that Hanbin also wants alcohol, and he rolls his eyes at the screen. But he buys a variety of drinks, several packages of meat, and vegetables (Jinhwan had sent another text with a list of ingredients), and then he makes his way to Hanbin and Bobby’s apartment. It isn’t that far, but it’s far enough that it gives Junhwe more than enough time to brood. As predicted, Jinhwan hadn’t mentioned anything about coming back to Junhwe’s apartment, and even if he’d had a good reason for leaving and has a good reason now for staying, well… It does nothing to prevent Junhwe from feeling like he’s still second best. It’s not that he doesn’t want Jinhwan to have friends, or that he wants to push Hanbin and Bobby away; all he wants is to be part of what the three of them have.

Jinhwan answers the door when Junhwe arrives at the apartment. He’s wearing a loose, thin sweater that Junhwe suspects is Hanbin’s, as well as Bobby’s bomber jacket. Junhwe’s expression clouds over. Jinhwan also looks more tired than he had before he’d left yesterday, and Junhwe tries not to overthink it. He hands the bags of groceries to Jinhwan and then gives all the alcohol he’d bought to Hanbin. Hanbin cackles in delight and sends Junhwe away to make dinner, which Junhwe is more than happy to do because Hanbin isn’t wearing any pants. In the kitchen Jinhwan is setting out the food Junhwe had bought, refusing to look Junhwe in the eye. Junhwe’s heart sinks. Maybe he’d been right to overreact after all. “Jinanie-hyung—” he starts to say, wanting to ask if there had really been an emergency, but he’s interrupted by Hanbin’s shouting from the living room. “Goo Junhwe, bring me a cup!” Jinhwan snorts and passes Junhwe a cup from the drying rack. Junhwe looks at it and then at Jinhwan, but Jinhwan has already sat down at the table and started preparing the food. In the living room, Hanbin (now, thankfully, wearing pants) is sipping a beer. He snatches the cup from Junhwe’s hands and starts pouring himself a cup of soju, and Junhwe rolls his eyes. “It’s a school night,” he says pointedly. Hanbin scoffs. “Since when have you ever cared?” Junhwe really can’t say anything to that.

He shuffles back into the kitchen and drops into the chair beside Jinhwan. He grabs the onions and starts peeling them, perhaps more forcefully than necessary, and tries not to look at Jinhwan. The atmosphere is _so_ awkward, more awkward than it’s ever been in their friendship or relationship, and Junhwe wants to scream. “Sorry for barging in on your whatever time with Hanbin and Bobby,” Junhwe says in a much colder voice than he’d intended. He’d been going for unbothered. “You’re not intruding or something if that’s what you mean,” Jinhwan says. “You know you’re always welcome.” Junhwe frowns at the onion in his hands. Maybe he should just be honest. Get it all off his chest. Jinhwan has always said that Junhwe needs to tell him when something’s wrong, that they need to be able to talk like adults and resolve whatever problems they have. It’s the healthy thing to do, and Junhwe knows it, but he’s still so afraid he won’t get the response he wants. And with this… Jinhwan is just so important to him. He puts the onion down and takes a steadying breath.

“Did you leave because of what I said?” Junhwe asks. His stomach prickles with nervousness. Jinhwan puts down his knife and looks Junhwe in the eye for the first time since he’d let Junhwe inside.  
“No,” he says firmly, “I left because I had to talk to Bobby.”  
“About what I said,” Junhwe continues stubbornly.  
“No, not about what you said.”  
Junhwe gives Jinhwan a disbelieving look, and Jinhwan huffs.  
“No, don’t look at me like that, I’m being serious,” Jinhwan goes on. “I’m planning a surprise for you, and I had to talk over some details with Bobby.”

Junhwe is still frowning, unsure. A Bobby emergency, but about something for Junhwe? Well, Jinhwan does talk about pretty much everything with Bobby, so it seems plausible enough. But Junhwe still isn’t entirely convinced. “He’s _helping_ me,” Jinhwan insists. He’s nervously tugging the sleeve of his sweater over his fingers, gazing at Junhwe with a desperate expression, his ears pink. He isn’t lying, Junhwe realizes. He wets his lips and meekly asks what kind of surprise it is. Jinhwan grins. “If I told you that, it wouldn’t be a surprise, now, would it?” Junhwe turns in his chair to fully face Jinhwan. Why can’t Jinhwan at least tell him what it’s for? He asks, and Jinhwan grins again. “It can’t just be because I love you?” At this Junhwe starts to choke up. He hurriedly tries to stop himself from getting emotional by pretending to gag, and Jinhwan smiles at him. There is love in Jinhwan’s eyes, there is love written all over his sincere expression, and Junhwe can feel the awkwardness and tension melting away. Maybe there’s something to be said about talking about feelings after all. “Don’t look so grossed out when you’re the one who said it first,” Jinhwan teases. Junhwe’s heart swells. Jinhwan _does_ love him.

“Hope you guys aren’t trying to make up for all the sex you didn’t have on my pristine granite countertops,” comes Bobby’s voice.  
Junhwe twists around to see Bobby peeking around the doorframe, snickering. Jinhwan brandishes his knife. “I know you aren’t trying to embarrass me when I’m the one armed with a dangerous weapon.”  
Bobby’s smirk disappears immediately from his face as he squeaks and escapes to the living room. Junhwe groans. “We’re never going to live that down.”  
Jinhwan clucks his tongue. “Next time, don’t just start yelling at me as soon as I pick up the phone.”

Junhwe can only sniffle indignantly, onion tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, and Jinhwan smirks. He tells Junhwe not to cry because they’re just joking, and Junhwe whines that it’s the onions. Jinhwan just laughs. He finishes chopping the last onion himself and gets back to work on cooking, and Junhwe watches Jinhwan move around the kitchen with a thoughtful expression. Jinhwan shuts the refrigerator door and leans against it. “Can you go check on Hanbin and Bobby?” Without a word Junhwe goes out into the living room. Hanbin and Bobby are on the couch, fighting over the remote. They’ve each finished a beer and have gone through a bottle of the soju and a good portion of the wine. They try to get Junhwe to join them, but he retreats to the kitchen to report back to Jinhwan. Jinhwan wrinkles his nose disapprovingly. “Get the wine and the rest of the soju. It’s a school night.” Junhwe shrugs and goes to the living room. He tries to take the bottle of wine, but he’s instantly met with shrieks of resistance. Bobby trips over his own feet as he leaps from the couch, and he almost lands face first into the coffee table. Hanbin dives for the bowl of popcorn and starts flinging the kernels at Junhwe.

“Get out of here you fucking loser—”

Junhwe stumbles backward, sputtering, just as Bobby recovers and almost tackles him to the ground. “Give it back!” Junhwe releases the bottle of wine immediately, and it’s a miracle that Bobby manages to catch it. He returns to the couch, triumphant, and Hanbin cheers as he continues to pelt Junhwe’s back with popcorn kernels as Junhwe escapes into the kitchen. Those two are terrifying. “Please don’t make me go back out there, hyung,” he whispers, and Jinhwan bursts out laughing. It’s the most relaxed he’s looked in days, so Junhwe can almost forgive him. Jinhwan finishes cooking and tells Junhwe to get the rice, soup, and kimchi, and Junhwe is mildly surprised by the fact that Hanbin and Bobby have so much food that isn’t junk. Apparently Jinhwan’s mom makes it all for them. “I’ll have to invite myself over more often,” Junhwe says, and Jinhwan snorts.

When they bring all the food out into the living room, Junhwe winds up next to Bobby. When he tries to move so that Jinhwan can sit there instead, Bobby grabs Junhwe’s arm and jerks him back down. He’s indignant, babbling in English, and Jinhwan refuses to rescue Junhwe. So Hanbin and Bobby keep giving Junhwe drinks all night, and by the time Jinhwan finally decides to try to stop them all, Junhwe is drunk. His stomach and head hurt a little, and he knows he’s going to regret this tomorrow. Hanbin and Bobby wander off to their own rooms or the bathroom, leaving Junhwe and Jinhwan alone in the living room. Junhwe is lying on the floor moaning while Jinhwan rubs his back. “Don’t be so dramatic.” But that’s the last straw for Junhwe, and he jumps on Jinhwan. Jinhwan yelps in surprise, but Junhwe is too drunk to be worried about how irritated Jinhwan will be with him. He can feel Jinhwan squirming in discomfort beneath him, but before Junhwe can even think about getting off, Hanbin jumps on top of them both. He’s pressing his full weight down onto Junhwe’s back, and Junhwe is trying to move to throw him off, but—

“Get off of him!”

Bobby shoves Hanbin off of Junhwe. Junhwe starts to get up, opening his mouth to thank him, but Bobby pushes him off of Jinhwan too. He helps Jinhwan sit up and then guides him to lean against the couch. Jinhwan’s face is as white as a sheet, and he looks as distressed as he had when he’d fainted all those months ago. He nods at Bobby, trying to communicate that he’s fine, Junhwe thinks, but Bobby whips around and smacks Hanbin upside the head. He’s furious, and he only stops yelling when Jinhwan grabs his arm. “I’m fine.” Hanbin blinks blearily at the two of them for a moment, and then his whole demeanor changes. “Hyung, I—hyung, I didn’t see you—” He looks like he might cry. Junhwe wriggles across the floor and grabs Jinhwan’s foot. What the hell had just happened? Jinhwan lets out a small breath and tells Junhwe he’ll walk him to the bus stop. Junhwe’s cue to just drop it and get ready.

He gets all his things together and walks back into the living room to find Hanbin and Jinhwan lying on the floor together. Jinhwan is half on top of Hanbin, and Hanbin has a death grip on the back of Jinhwan’s sweater. Junhwe wrinkles his nose. “Uh, that’s _my_ boyfriend.” Hanbin lets go of Jinhwan, but Jinhwan pats his cheek and whispers something to him before he gets up and grabs Bobby’s jacket from the back of the couch. He and Junhwe walk outside to the bus stop, and Jinhwan snuggles up to Junhwe, shivering. Junhwe looks down at the top of Jinhwan’s head with a frown.

“Why did Bobby-hyung rip into Hanbin-hyung like that?” he asks.  
Jinhwan yawns. “Well, I was almost crushed to death.”  
Junhwe bites his lip. “I dunno, he got pretty pissed, and then Hanbin-hyung got all depressed…”

Jinhwan blames the alcohol, and then he presses himself even closer to Junhwe. Junhwe drops the subject (he’s sobered up enough to know not to push Jinhwan any further), but he remains dubious. There’s way more to this than Junhwe knows, that’s for sure. Bobby had said that Hanbin should have known better. Hanbin had been distraught to find that he might have hurt Jinhwan. Jinhwan himself had barely been able to _breathe._ What’s really going on here? Junhwe is drawn out of his thoughts when Jinhwan stands, glances at the approaching bus, and then stoops down to peck Junhwe on the cheek. “Text me when you get home. Love you.” He’s smiling, and he seems fine. Maybe it really had been the alcohol. Junhwe smiles back at Jinhwan as he gets on the bus, and he even gives Jinhwan a little wave as the bus drives away. Maybe Junhwe is just worrying over nothing.

The next morning Junhwe wakes up to a text from Jinhwan: _I have somewhere to go around lunch so you just hang out with Donghyuk and I’ll see you tonight xo_ Junhwe rubs his face and sighs. First their weekend, now their lunch. He wonders where Jinhwan needs to go but doesn’t question it. He sends Jinhwan a thumbs up emoji and heads to class. The day passes as usual, but Jinhwan calls him in the afternoon.

“Hey babe,” he says, and he sounds good. “I’m taking you out to dinner tonight.”  
Junhwe grins. “Oh fuck yeah,” he says. “Is this the surprise?”  
“Ah, no,” Jinhwan says with a laugh. “You’ll know what that is when it happens.”  
“Damn.”  
“Soon, babe.”  
“Well, then can I pick the place for tonight?”  
“Sure,” Jinhwan says, laughing again.

At dinner, Jinhwan asks Junhwe to come to his house on Saturday, and Junhwe is caught a bit off guard. Jinhwan has never asked him to come to his parents’ house, and for a wild moment, Junhwe thinks Jinhwan might want to introduce Junhwe to his family. “There are some things I want to show you,” Jinhwan says slowly when Junhwe asks why. Now _this_ has to be the surprise, especially because Jinhwan doesn’t give him any other information about it the rest of the week (except to come after ten but before twelve). Junhwe is excited at first because Jinhwan isn’t really the type to do something like this, but as the day grows closer, he starts to get a little anxious. It’s precisely because it isn’t really like Jinhwan to do something like this that Junhwe starts to freak himself out—the surprise has to be some sort of cover for Jinhwan to tell him off about something, he thinks. Junhwe’s fears are just about confirmed by the fact that Jinhwan suddenly doesn’t want to have sex anymore either. He scarcely even allows Junhwe to touch him for a few days, and he gets weird and evasive whenever Junhwe asks what’s wrong. It’s troubling because not only had it seemingly come out of nowhere, but the two of them usually have sex so often that Junhwe doesn’t really understand why that had stopped. He starts to think that this and the surprise are related and is convinced he must have done something wrong; he just can’t figure out what.

But on Saturday he leaves his apartment a little before nine and arrives at Jinhwan’s house after eleven. It really is in the middle of nowhere; Junhwe begins to understand why Jinhwan stays at Hanbin and Bobby’s place so much. He walks nervously into the foyer, and Jinhwan gives him a gentle smile. “What’s wrong?” he asks, and Junhwe mutters that he’s afraid this is some sort of trap. He’s still convinced he’s done something wrong. Jinhwan snorts and jabs at him, and Junhwe skitters away into the living room. The house is eerily quiet. Jinhwan points to the couch and tells Junhwe to sit, so he does, but Jinhwan remains standing. He has an odd, troubled look on his face, the same look he’s worn a lot since they’d started dating, the same look he has before he kisses away the _what’s wrong_ he can see forming every time on Junhwe’s lips. But Jinhwan’s ears are red, and his hands are twisting in front of him. He’s nervous too. But Junhwe can’t really stand this atmosphere, so he feels like he needs to say something outlandish to make it less awkward. And the most absurd thing he can think of is marriage, which is so stupid even for him that he bursts out laughing before he can even get the joke out. It’s only the mixture of bewilderment and irritation on Jinhwan’s face that keeps Junhwe from totally losing it. (He does value his life, after all.) “Oh my god,” he finally chokes out, “are you about to ask me to marry you?” Jinhwan’s nervousness dissipates immediately, and he kicks Junhwe. He tries to hit Junhwe too, but Junhwe leans out of the way, clutching his leg in pain. Whatever, mission accomplished.

“That’s what you get, you asshat,” Jinhwan snaps, “because if you couldn’t tell, I’m super nervous.”  
“Because you’re about to propose?” Junhwe asks because he has no self-control.  
Jinhwan rolls his eyes. “No, because I’m about to tell you about my dance career.”

Well, that’s definitely one hell of a surprise. Junhwe has never been able to get that first (and only) time he’d seen Jinhwan dance out of his head. He’s always been curious as to how Jinhwan had gotten so good at dancing, and he’s even more curious as to why Jinhwan had given it all up—or Junhwe assumes he had, anyway. But Jinhwan gives him the whole story now: He’d started dancing when he was four and started competing when he was nine. He’d won international competitions and been all over the world to train and compete. He had also, apparently, met both Hanbin and Bobby through ballet. There are tons of pictures of Bobby giving Jinhwan flowers after shows, loads of the two of them at all the tourist spots in New York. There are even some pictures of Hanbin and Jinhwan when Hanbin had to have been no more than five or six years old. Jinhwan really has known Hanbin and Bobby forever. (And to Junhwe’s great delight, there are a few pictures of Hanbin in tights, the knowledge of which Junhwe carefully files away for later.) But the one thing that Junhwe notices is that the Jinhwan in these photos is so different from the Jinhwan that Junhwe knows now. His happiness feels different; he seems more carefree and much less burdened in these pictures. Even a bit wild in a way, his eyes filled with a sort of hunger. Junhwe finds himself wondering what had changed Jinhwan so much, what it must have been like to have known Jinhwan the teenager.

When Jinhwan trails off after telling Junhwe about how he’d been training really hard to try to earn scholarships to top ballet schools, Junhwe elbows him. “And then what? So did you win? Did you get in somewhere good?” Jinhwan is wearing that troubled expression again, but he dumps the album he’d been holding into Junhwe’s lap and hops to his feet. He’s smiling now—a sort of pinched smile, but a smile all the same. He asks Junhwe if Junhwe wants to see his contemporary routine. “I think I can probably still do it.” It’s a sudden proposition, one Junhwe hadn’t been expecting at all, and he almost isn’t sure how to react. He’d love to see Jinhwan dance again, but… “Uh, yeah, sure, I guess?” He doesn’t know what else he can say. The two of them clear a space in the living room, and then Jinhwan runs to his bedroom. He comes back a few minutes later, now wearing joggers and ballet shoes, and he plugs a speaker into his phone. “Don’t be too upset if I mess up at all,” he says, and Junhwe laughs because he thinks Jinhwan might be trying to reassure himself more than Junhwe. Jinhwan says he has to stretch first, and, god—he’s so damn hot. The way he moves, the way his muscles flex… Junhwe bites his lip, trying to focus. “Okay,” Jinhwan says a little breathlessly. Then he grins at Junhwe and starts the track.

He’s _so_ beautiful. Junhwe doesn’t think he’s seen anyone more beautiful do anything more beautiful in his entire life. The change that comes over Jinhwan is something else; his eyes have that hunger Junhwe had seen in the photos. He transforms into that person he had been, that confident, unshakeable person, and he’s a stranger. Gorgeous and talented, but a stranger. The whole thing doesn't even last two minutes, so before Junhwe can really process what he’d seen, it’s over. Jinhwan’s expression is wild—he’s still that other person—and he drifts over to Junhwe and drops into his lap. Jinhwan’s breathing is slowly returning to normal, and he gazes at Junhwe expectantly, his arms wrapping around Junhwe’s neck. Junhwe is mumbling (incoherently, he thinks), but whatever he’s saying must make sense to Jinhwan because he looks satisfied. Then he leans in and kisses Junhwe like he hasn’t in over a week. He slips from Junhwe’s lap and pulls Junhwe on top of him, and Junhwe’s heart skips a beat because it looks like they’re finally going to have sex again—

 _“What are you doing?"_ comes a sharp voice.

Jinhwan’s parents are standing in the foyer. Fuck. Junhwe tries to get off of Jinhwan, tries to apologize, tries to get away, tries to do anything other than stay hovering suggestively over Jinhwan, but Jinhwan won’t let him go. He’s staring across the room at his father, his grip on Junhwe tightening, but Junhwe sees it coming before Jinhwan does. The disgust, the confusion, the fury—Junhwe has seen the same expression on Mirae’s face before. In seconds Jinhwan’s father is there, _right there_ , and he’s dragging Junhwe out of Jinhwan’s arms and off the couch and dropping him to the floor. Junhwe tries to get up, but Jinhwan’s father has fistfuls of his shirt, and he’s screaming, _screaming_ , and Junhwe’s heart is racing and his eyes are filling with tears and he can barely register what’s happening. But then he sees Jinhwan trying to pull his father off of Junhwe, and it’s enough of a distraction that Junhwe can wrench himself from the hold Jinhwan’s father has on his shirt. He locks eyes with Jinhwan as he starts to get up, and from within the hurt and fear that Junhwe sees in Jinhwan’s face appears something begging for Junhwe to wait—

But Junhwe runs from the house through the open front door.


	3. Forget-Me-Not Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"The little blue Forget-me-not comes too on friendship's gentle plea."_  
>  \- John Clare, "On May Morning"

Junhwe isn’t sure how long he runs, but he comes to a slow halt when his heart stops racing. He’s outside a supermarket, and he has absolutely no idea where he is. His feet are throbbing, and when he looks down, he realizes that he’s only wearing socks. He slaps a hand to his forehead and groans; he’d left not only his shoes, but also his backpack with all of his things at Jinhwan’s house. He has no money and no phone and absolutely no way to get himself out of this situation other than to go back to Jinhwan’s house. He shivers involuntarily. He’d rather die. He starts for the supermarket, hoping maybe the manager will let him use the phone, and shoves his hands moodily into his pockets—where he finds some change. Delighted, he hurries for the payphone outside the store, and he even finds himself mildly amused that Jinhwan lives so far out in the country that there are still payphones around. But of course, because everything has to go wrong today, he’s short. He lets out an angry shout and starts bashing the handset against the phone body.

“Are you quite all right?”

Junhwe whips around. There’s a granny with a bag of groceries frowning curiously at him. Junhwe feels his cheeks grow hot. What can he possibly tell her? She eyes his bare feet warily.

“I, uh—I got really drunk with my friends and they suck and left me here. Probably thought it would be funny to take my shoes and my stuff.”  
The granny heaves a sigh and nods sagely. “Yes, yes, I know quite well what that feels like.”  
Junhwe’s eyebrows shoot up, but he doesn’t say anything. She hands him some change.  
“Here, make your call, dear.”

Junhwe thanks her profusely, but she waves him off. He calls Donghyuk.

“Hello?”  
“Donghyuk-ah,” Junhwe says. “It’s Junhwe.”  
“Jun—what? But this isn’t your number?”  
“I’m stranded at a store and need you to pick me up.”  
“You’re—but—I thought you were with Jinanie-hyung?”  
Junhwe pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’ll explain everything later. I just need you to come get me. And bring your spare key to my place.”  
“All right, where are you?”

Junhwe tells Donghyuk the name of the supermarket, and after a bit of googling, they think they’ve found the address of the store where Junhwe is. Junhwe sits with the granny while he waits, and she gives him some tangerines. She’s very kind, and she talks to him about her grandchildren and what Junhwe is studying in school. She showers him with compliments when he tells her the school he’d gone to and the university he goes to now, so by the time Donghyuk shows up, Junhwe is feeling a little bit better. He tells Donghyuk to pay her back, but she doesn’t let him. Instead, she gives Donghyuk the rest of her tangerines, tells them that it had been nice talking to two good-looking young men, and then winks at them before they drive off. “Well, that was weird,” Donghyuk says after a beat. Junhwe just snorts. Now that the granny isn’t there to distract him, his mind wanders back to what had happened at Jinhwan’s house. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Junhwe almost doesn’t want to, but he does. Donghyuk listens quietly as Junhwe recounts what had happened in a dead voice. “That’s awful, Junhwe,” Donghyuk says when Junhwe finishes. “I’m so sorry.” Junhwe just shakes his head. “Whatever,” he says. He doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know if there’s even anything he _can_ do. How does one stop someone else from being a bigot? He clenches his fists. Jinhwan’s parents had seemed like they loved him so much when Junhwe had first met them. Jinhwan had always seemed close to them based on the way he’d talked about them. They’d always seemed so close, in fact, that Junhwe had always assumed Jinhwan was out to them. But even if he weren’t, for them to be treating Jinhwan this way now… Junhwe starts to get angry. Why should either of them have to be scared of the way they feel? Why shouldn’t they be able to show their affection for each other? Why can’t the people who claim to love them just be happy for them?

“Do you think Jinanie-hyung is okay?” Donghyuk asks after a while.  
Junhwe frowns. “What?”  
“Well—” Donghyuk hesitates. He glances at Junhwe and then stares determinedly ahead. “If his dad was like that with you, I mean… Then maybe, to hyung, he—”  
“Don’t say it,” Junhwe says, and his voice cracks. “God, Donghyuk, please don’t say it.”

Neither of them says anything the rest of the way to Junhwe’s apartment. Donghyuk offers to stay with him for a while, but Junhwe would rather be alone. He lets himself in with Donghyuk’s spare key and throws himself onto his bed. He feels awful, and Donghyuk had made him feel worse. What if he’d left Jinhwan in a dangerous situation? Junhwe really is a terrible excuse for a boyfriend. He rolls onto his back and frowns at his ceiling. What is he supposed to do now? He decides to go see Hanbin and Bobby later; they’ll know what to do. But first, he thinks he should eat and shower because he feels like a wreck. He’s just gotten out of the shower and put on some sweatpants when someone rings his doorbell. He assumes it’s Donghyuk (possibly with Bobby in tow), but to his great surprise (and relief), it’s Jinhwan. He throws the door open. Jinhwan has his backpack and a duffel bag, and he’s carrying Junhwe’s backpack in his arms. Junhwe thinks Jinhwan must want to stay with him, but he isn’t sure if it’s because Jinhwan had run away or been kicked out. Junhwe tries not to think about it.

He and Jinhwan look at each other for a moment, and then Jinhwan starts to cry. “Ah, hyung, c’mon, come inside.” Junhwe grabs his backpack from Jinhwan and throws it aside, and then he takes Jinhwan’s things and sets them on the table. Jinhwan is sobbing, his whole body shaking, and Junhwe wants nothing more than to hold him and kiss him and wrap him up in the love he deserves. Junhwe helps Jinhwan to the bed, and they sit side by side. Junhwe has one arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders, his fingers gently running up and down Jinhwan’s arm. Jinhwan is hiding his face in one hand, the other holding fast to Junhwe’s free hand. Jinhwan shouldn’t have to feel like this. Junhwe kisses the top of Jinhwan’s head. Jinhwan’s own damn family shouldn’t make him feel like this. Eventually the crying turns into sniffling, and Junhwe drops his arm from Jinhwan’s shoulders and leans back with a sigh. 

“You’re not out to your family,” Junhwe says. He needs to know for sure. They’d seemed so close… But Jinhwan doesn’t respond right away; he leans over Junhwe to take one of the packets of tissues from the nightstand and wipes the tears off his face and blows his nose. “No,” he says in a thick voice, “I never told them outright. But I never hid it either.” Junhwe frowns. So they’d chosen not to see. And when they’d been forced to see, they’d hurt him. It makes Junhwe’s blood boil. His expression must be giving away how he’s feeling because Jinhwan reaches up to caress Junhwe’s cheek. His expression is desperate, pleading, and in a hoarse voice he whispers that he loves Junhwe. “I hope you know that.” Junhwe swallows, his arms wrapping around Jinhwan as he leans down to kiss him. “I do,” he murmurs. “I do.” Jinhwan lets Junhwe kiss him, but, as has been the case lately, he shoves Junhwe away when Junhwe goes for the button on his jeans. Junhwe lies back on the bed with a small sigh. He’d thought they’d made a breakthrough; he can’t stop himself from being disappointed. 

He feels Jinhwan scoot closer. Jinhwan tells him not to be mad, and Junhwe says that he isn’t. And it’s true. He’s not mad—he’d never be _mad_ that Jinhwan doesn’t feel like having sex—but their usual routine includes a lot of it; Junhwe still doesn’t understand why that routine has been interrupted. “You haven’t wanted to in _ages,_ and—I dunno…” He trails off and gazes up at Jinhwan. He just doesn’t understand. Jinhwan says he isn’t in the mood, and Junhwe retorts that Jinhwan can’t always not be in the mood. Jinhwan rolls his eyes, and Junhwe chews his lip. Maybe he’d done something wrong. He starts rattling off reasons why it must be his fault, each weirder than the last because he deals with all of his problems with bad humor, until he asks Jinhwan in mock seriousness if Jinhwan is pregnant. Jinhwan smacks every part of Junhwe he can reach while Junhwe laughs, trying to roll away. But then Jinhwan lifts up his shirt, and on his chest is a huge, bluish yellow bruise. It looks like the kind of thing Junhwe has seen in movies and TV shows, not the sort of bruise he’s ever seen on an actual human being. The sight of it makes him feel a bit queasy. But when he finally tears his eyes away from it to look up at Jinhwan’s face, Jinhwan’s expression tells him the whole story. Junhwe can hear Bobby’s angry voice ringing in his ears: _No roughhousing, for fuck’s sake, Hanbin, you should know better—_

“Hyung, wait… That’s—that’s not—” Junhwe struggles to find the words. “Me and Hanbin-hyung did that to you?”  
“Yeah, you guys did,” Jinhwan huffs as he pulls his shirt back down. “And it was way worse before and honestly hurt too much for sex, but I also didn’t want you to worry about me, so I didn’t want you to see.”  
Junhwe frowns. Jinhwan must be remembering how badly Junhwe had reacted to the sex bruises. But still. Junhwe is mostly over that. He pokes Jinhwan’s arm. “You could’ve told me.”  
“You wouldn’t have taken it well.”  
“I’m taking it just fine!”  
Jinhwan pushes Junhwe’s bangs out of his eyes. “Hmph.”  
Junhwe holds Jinhwan’s gaze for a moment, and when Jinhwan looks away, he’s sure that he’s won. He grins. “Sooo… Can we fuck now?”

Jinhwan pinches him. He isn’t in the mood, not after what had happened. Junhwe had almost forgotten about it. He glowers at the ceiling. Neither of them had deserved that. Jinhwan stretches out beside Junhwe, positioning Junhwe’s arm around his shoulders and resting his head on Junhwe’s chest. Junhwe squeezes Jinhwan’s arm affectionately. “How did you manage to get home?” Jinhwan asks. Junhwe tells Jinhwan the whole story about the granny, which earns him a few laughs. Then for several moments Jinhwan is quiet. “Can I stay with you for a while?” Junhwe had expected this. “Of course, hyung, what the fuck? You don’t even have to ask.” Jinhwan yawns and tells Junhwe to sing him a song, and he’s asleep before Junhwe even finishes. Thankfully. Junhwe is actually really uncomfortable. He gently slides Jinhwan off of him, and Jinhwan makes a little noise but doesn’t wake up. Junhwe lets out a slow breath and rubs his forehead. What can he do now? He crosses the room to fish his phone out of his backpack. There’s a text from Bobby:

_Hyung said not to bother u abt watever happened but fuck dat wat da fuck happened!!!_

_i think he’d be mad at me if i told uou instead of him so.._

_Shitty excuse tell me right now_

_you*_  
_basically his parents caughhr us and kinda lost it idk what else to tell you_  
_caught*_

_Well damn… U 2 ok?_

_don’t really think i can say yes…_  
_…………_

_Ya ur right… Well me n Hanbin r here for u guys watever u need I’m serious. Is he wit u?_

_ya_

_Can I talk to him?_

_wait yiu really didn’t yet?_  
_????????_  
_you*_

_No n he turned off his phone. I think he’s tryna avoid his fam._

_oh…. well he’s asleep rn_

_K then tell him to call me later plz_

_ok hyung_

_Keepin u in my prayers 🙏_

_thanks_

Junhwe puts his phone on the table and rubs his eyes. This is going to be difficult. He looks across the room at Jinhwan sleeping soundly on his bed. It will be difficult, but Junhwe is determined to do everything he can to make Jinhwan feel safe and loved. 

Jinhwan stops going to school. The first Monday when Junhwe had asked him why he wasn’t getting ready, he’d started to cry. Disturbed, Junhwe had been ready to stay at home with him, but Jinhwan had made him go (though Junhwe had left his phone). Junhwe had then gotten a message (on Donghyuk’s phone) an hour later saying that Jinhwan just can’t go outside right now. It’s too much for him, apparently. Junhwe asks Bobby about it, and with downcast eyes and a quiet sigh, Bobby says to give Jinhwan a few days to adjust. But even that becomes difficult when Hanbin notices Jinhwan’s parents and sister following him and Bobby around. Jinhwan’s sister had even tried to talk to Junhwe and Bobby once, and Junhwe had run away faster than he’s ever run in his life. It’s all so bizarre. When he tells Jinhwan about it, Jinhwan gets angry for the first time since the incident. “I can’t believe them,” he says as he stabs at his chicken. “I can’t _believe_ them.” Junhwe can’t really believe them either. Just thinking about Jinhwan’s family gets him heated.

But Junhwe does everything he can to try to make Jinhwan more comfortable. With Donghyuk’s help he starts moving the clothes Jinhwan has at Hanbin and Bobby’s apartment to his place, and he agrees to helping Jinhwan clean his apartment up. They spend all Friday afternoon and most of Saturday making the place shine, and the whole time Jinhwan is distracted enough that he almost seems happy. They mess around like they haven’t in days. That night, Jinhwan drops down onto the couch beside Junhwe after his shower. Junhwe kisses the top of his head and breathes in deep. Jinhwan smells like jasmine. Junhwe smiles. “I think you should just move in with me,” he says. “Just forget about your family’s shit.” Jinhwan gazes up at him with an inscrutable expression. He looks back at the TV and wraps his arms around himself, and it’s at that moment that Junhwe realizes that Jinhwan is wearing one of Junhwe’s sweaters. Junhwe squeezes Jinhwan’s shoulder. “You think I should move in with you?” Jinhwan asks finally. “Yeah, I do.” Jinhwan drops one of his arms and absently starts running a finger across Junhwe’s thigh. He leans back and closes his eyes. “Honestly, I was thinking about it before all this.” He had planned on bringing it up at the end of the year, apparently. The two of them finding a place together. Junhwe’s heart does a somersault. So Jinhwan thinks they’ve been ready for this for a while? Junhwe starts getting excited, but Jinhwan stands up. “But right now I really can’t think about it. Not with this mess going on.” Oh. Junhwe watches Jinhwan walk into the kitchen for some water. He scowls. Another thing this stupid drama has taken from him.

But aside from the tangible things he does for Jinhwan (which even includes cooking sometimes, thanks to Yunhyeong), Junhwe has started saying _I love you more than anything_ to Jinhwan all the time. He pokes his head into the bathroom in the morning to say it while Jinhwan is brushing his teeth; he envelops Jinhwan in his arms from behind and mumbles it into his neck while Jinhwan is making coffee; he sighs it out when he’s lying in Jinhwan’s lap on the couch and Jinhwan is running his fingers gently through Junhwe’s hair; he whispers it into Jinhwan’s ear late at night when they’re cuddling in bed (Jinhwan still doesn’t want to do anything more); he says it tenderly, over and over, as he wipes away the tears Jinhwan simply can’t hold in anymore. He has no idea if it’s helping, but the best Junhwe can do is just try to impress upon Jinhwan how much love Junhwe has for him, how important their relationship is to him. But as the days crawl by with no improvement in Jinhwan’s mood and his continued refusal to leave the apartment, Junhwe finally turns to the only other people he thinks will be able to help: Hanbin and Bobby.

Jinhwan’s family is still sort of stalking them, so Junhwe hatches his brilliant plan to sneak the two of them out through the faculty garage near the physics lab. The lab and garage are connected, and both are closed off to unauthorized personnel, so Junhwe is sure Jinhwan’s parents and sister can’t follow them there. Bobby works at the lab and is friends with everyone on the staff, so he’s able to get Donghyuk permission to park in the faculty garage and for Hanbin and Junhwe to wait for him in the lab. (Junhwe is mad that Bobby looks smart and cool and kind of hot in his lab coat and goggles.) Then the three of them go to the garage to meet up with Donghyuk, who takes them all to Junhwe’s apartment. It ends up being a surprise for Jinhwan because Junhwe hadn’t been sure if he could pull it off till the day of and hadn’t wanted to get Jinhwan’s hopes up. But as soon as Jinhwan notices Hanbin and Bobby when he approaches Junhwe, he squeals, shoves Junhwe out of his way, and flings his arms around them. Junhwe plops himself onto the couch with a satisfied smile. This had been the right thing to do.

When Jinhwan has recovered enough to remember Junhwe exists, he fixes Junhwe with a searching stare. Junhwe’s heart tightens. Wait a minute… Jinhwan walks past him to the nightstand and then joins him on the couch. He leans in close to whisper in Junhwe’s ear that he wants to tell Hanbin and Bobby what had happened, but he doesn’t want Donghyuk to be there. Junhwe knows what’s coming next, and he’s annoyed by it. “Tell him to take you somewhere, or like go get some coffee or something on me—here’s some money. I’ll call you when we’re ready.” Of course Jinhwan doesn’t want Junhwe around for this, and Junhwe starts to regret bringing Hanbin and Bobby over. But without a word (Junhwe doesn’t trust himself to be civil if he were to open his mouth), Junhwe takes Jinhwan’s money, slides off the couch, and pulls Donghyuk back outside. “He’ll call when he’s ready, apparently,” Junhwe grumbles as he stomps down the stairs. He storms off, not really caring where his feet take him. He should have known Jinhwan wouldn’t want him there.

Junhwe stops outside a café, and with a pang he realizes it’s the café he and Jinhwan had gone to the very first night they’d met. Donghyuk bumps Junhwe’s shoulder. “Maybe he doesn’t know you told me?” Donghyuk suggests, but Junhwe shrugs him off and whirls into the café. He orders drinks for both of them, and Donghyuk finds them a table in the back corner. Junhwe nurses his coffee, angry with himself for having hurt feelings. It’s hard to think he has something special with Jinhwan when Jinhwan seems to want nothing to do with him if he has the choice of Hanbin and Bobby instead. 

“Bro, I can hear you thinking.”  
“Jinanie-hyung doesn’t want anything to do with me.”  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Junhwe,” Donghyuk says as he rolls his eyes.  
“What?” Junhwe shoots back. “He told us to leave.”  
Donghyuk massages his temples. “I can’t believe I have to explain this to you.” He holds up a finger. “First of all, he probably doesn’t want to talk about it in front of me. And second of all, they’re his _best friends._ ”  
“And I’m his boyfriend,” Junhwe snaps.  
“But I’m not,” Donghyuk says pointedly.  
Junhwe fingers the rim of his cup moodily. “But I told you about what happened already.”  
“But he hasn’t told them—and yes, I know they know—but _he_ didn’t tell them, and wouldn’t you rather talk something out with your best friend in person?”  
Junhwe looks up. “What?”  
Donghyuk huffs. “I’m your best friend, you idiot. Or at least you’re mine, god only knows why, and I know that sometimes it would be easier to talk to you about something than it would be to try to reason it out over text or something. Besides, I know you know this on some level because it was _your_ idea to bring them over.”

Junhwe lets Donghyuk’s words sink in. He’s never really thought about it like that before, but he does prefer talking to Donghyuk if he has a problem, and he’s even gone to talk to Bobby face-to-face a lot recently. It makes sense, Junhwe supposes. And then of course Junhwe always gets sort of heated whenever he and Jinhwan talk about what had happened, so maybe Jinhwan thinks Junhwe is too close to the problem to be any help. Junhwe hangs his head, tilting the coffee cup back and forth slowly, watching the dregs slide up and down. He knows those three have a special relationship, and he knows Jinhwan can scarcely make a decision without asking Bobby’s advice first, and he knows it’s better for Jinhwan if he has them near him. If anyone can help him, it’s those two. But that’s just it, isn’t it? Junhwe sets the mug down with a clunk, and Donghyuk narrows his eyes.

“What’s really bothering you?” Donghyuk asks.  
Junhwe looks up. Donghyuk is considering him with a stern expression, like he won’t let Junhwe skirt the issue anymore. Junhwe chews his lip. “I think that if he could have stayed with them instead of me, he’d be okay.”  
Donghyuk sucks in a breath. “Oh, Junhwe… You know that’s not true…”  
“Whatever,” Junhwe says, trying to shrug it off.  
“Is he still…” Donghyuk pauses and wets his lips. “Is he still crying a lot?”  
Junhwe doesn’t meet Donghyuk’s eyes. “Not as much,” he says in a low voice. “I’ve tried everything I can think of, but nothing’s working.”  
There’s a long pause.  
“I think you just have to love him,” Donghyuk says, and if he’d said something like that at any other time, Junhwe thinks he might have punched him. But instead he holds his head in his hands and tries to keep himself from shaking.  
“I’m _trying,_ ” he wails, and he’s embarrassed by the note of desperation in his voice. He tries to blink back his tears and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. He feels like an idiot. Donghyuk reaches across the table and pats Junhwe’s arm.  
“Hey,” Donghyuk soothes. “I know you are.”  
“But he won’t let me,” Junhwe says miserably. He hastily wipes his tears away. “He just won’t let me.”  
Donghyuk pulls his chair around the table so he’s beside Junhwe and rubs Junhwe’s back. He doesn’t seem to know what to say. Junhwe looks at his hands in his lap.  
“I just want to be allowed to love him,” he says, and he looks up at Donghyuk. “Like they are.”

Donghyuk squeezes Junhwe’s shoulder and knows Junhwe well enough not to say, _But you are._

Junhwe composes himself, shakes himself out, and takes a deep breath. He changes the subject to Chanwoo and how little Junhwe is looking forward to the get-together he, Chanwoo, Donghyuk, and Yunhyeong have coming up. He needs to talk about anything other than his relationship problems. He’s almost feeling like himself again by the time Jinhwan calls him from Hanbin’s phone to say that they can come back, and he asks them to get pizza. This is definitely a sign that Hanbin and Bobby will be staying over for a while. Junhwe sighs. It’s fine. Donghyuk offers to buy the pizza, and he gets the toppings Junhwe wants, which Junhwe assumes is an attempt to make him feel better. (Maybe it’s working.) The five of them eat every last crumb of pizza while they watch a movie that Junhwe barely pays attention to. Instead, he spends most of the movie watching Jinhwan. He seems better, and he’s laughing along with everyone else whenever someone makes some stupid comment. Maybe Hanbin and Bobby had helped after all. Junhwe is glad, but the feeling is bittersweet. Mostly sweet, but the same old feelings of inadequacy keep him from being totally relieved.

Donghyuk, Hanbin, and Bobby all leave after the movie. Junhwe says his goodbyes, but he retreats into the bathroom to fuss with the shower when he sees Hanbin kiss Jinhwan’s cheek. He pulls off his shirt and studies himself in the mirror critically. He doesn’t look good; he seems tired and angry. He massages his cheeks, trying to force them into a happier expression, but he walks back out of the bathroom when he hears Donghyuk shout goodbye again. Jinhwan is standing in the doorway, waving goodbye, but to Junhwe’s surprise, he doesn’t follow them out. He sticks his head out the door, peering down the hallway towards the stairs, and then he smiles to himself and gently shuts the door. “You’re not gonna walk them to the car?” Junhwe asks. Jinhwan has always done that. He always sees people off. Jinhwan gazes at Junhwe with an odd expression as he walks across the room, and then he wraps his arms around Junhwe’s neck. He looks for a moment like he might kiss Junhwe, something he hasn’t initiated much the past few weeks, but then his arms drop and he rests his head against Junhwe’s chest. He closes his eyes and sighs quietly. 

“It’s just… I feel safe here.” 

Junhwe swallows hard. So that’s why Jinhwan hasn’t gone out. He’s afraid. Junhwe tightens his grip on Jinhwan, and he feels like an idiot all over again. Jinhwan _wants_ to be here. Junhwe is embarrassed by his own stupidity and what Jinhwan had said, but he’s touched too. He’s glad he makes Jinhwan feel safe. Jinhwan steps back, and Junhwe loosens his hold on Jinhwan’s waist. Jinhwan is smiling up at him, an easy, relaxed smile, and when he takes off his hoodie and shirt, Junhwe can’t stop a huge grin from spreading over his face. “Anyway, we were getting to ready to shower?” Jinhwan says. It’s an invitation. Like Junhwe would say no. He scoops Jinhwan back up, kissing him hungrily.

Junhwe ends up snuggled up to Jinhwan that night (after a proper round in the bed), and Jinhwan is gently massaging the back of Junhwe’s head. Junhwe kisses Jinhwan’s shoulder, then scoots up a bit to kiss his cheek. “I love you more than anything,” he says, and god does he mean it. Jinhwan turns to look at him, and he smiles that easy, relaxed smile, and then he kisses Junhwe’s forehead. “Me too,” he says softly. Junhwe thinks his heart just might burst. But then Jinhwan slides out of bed and starts getting dressed again. Junhwe watches him as he pulls on sweatpants and Junhwe’s favorite old sweatshirt, and he finally meets Junhwe’s eyes as he’s putting on socks.

“It’s cold,” he says defensively, but Junhwe just blinks at him.  
“Huh?”  
“You’re staring,” Jinhwan points out, and there’s a tiny crease in his brow, like he thinks Junhwe might have been getting ready to tease him.  
“Ah,” Junhwe says, “yeah, sorry, hyung, I was just thinking about how much I want to fuck _you._ ”  
Jinhwan snorts. “Not tonight. Don’t have time for you to have your turn.”  
At this Junhwe pouts. “Why not?”  
“I have a lot of work to do. I have to do a bunch of readings, and I need to start writing a paper, and—”  
“Can you at least read in bed with me?”

Jinhwan has just sat himself down on the couch after grabbing his computer and a couple of books Junhwe had gotten for him at the library. He’s pulling his hair out of his eyes and putting it up into a little ponytail, and he’s giving Junhwe a dubious look. His eyes are narrowed, like he’s gauging whether Junhwe is trying to rope him into some sort of trap. But all Junhwe can think about is how long Jinhwan’s hair has gotten. He must look innocent enough because Jinhwan huffs out an indignant sigh through his nose, picks up his books, notebook, and pencil case, and shuffles back to the bed. “You really can’t bother me,” Jinhwan warns. “I need to focus.” Junhwe yawns. “Of course, hyung.” He inches back into Jinhwan’s space and throws an arm over Jinhwan’s lap, his fingers slipping under Jinhwan’s sweater so that he can rub his thumb against Jinhwan’s skin. Jinhwan doesn’t seem to mind this, and after a little while he even reaches over to thread his fingers through Junhwe’s hair again. It doesn’t take long for Junhwe to fall asleep after that.

Junhwe wakes up first the next morning. He sits up, coughing, and looks over at Jinhwan. Jinhwan is curled up in a ball with none of the blanket. “Sorry,” Junhwe mumbles absently. He throws half of the blanket over Jinhwan and rolls from the bed, hissing in displeasure when his bare feet hit the cold floor. Maybe Jinhwan had been on to something when he’d put on socks. Junhwe shivers. He is also still naked. He finds some clothes and then stumbles into the bathroom, still coughing. He doesn’t bother trying to stay quiet as he bangs around the bathroom and then the kitchen because he’s going to start practicing soon anyway. He puts a pot of coffee on because that will help mitigate Jinhwan’s eventual crankiness when he’s woken up, downs a glass of water, and then drops himself into a chair at the table.

He has a show today, his first in a while. It’s a little benefit concert at a local bar that’s sponsoring Pride. He’d been looking forward to it for a long time, but Jinhwan doesn’t want to go anymore, so now Junhwe almost doesn’t want to go either. Jinhwan has gone to see every single one of Junhwe’s shows since they’d started dating, and Junhwe isn’t sure how to feel now that Jinhwan won’t go. He knows why, of course, and he understands why too, but he’s still upset about it. He tunes his guitar moodily. And on top of that, Donghyuk had invited his childhood friend Chanwoo along, and Junhwe doesn’t really know what to make of him. He’d met Chanwoo once two years ago and hadn’t taken to him well, but that hadn’t stopped Chanwoo from following Junhwe on Instagram or subscribing to Junhwe’s YouTube channel in a show of support. And now that Junhwe is slightly more mature and slightly less self-absorbed, he thinks he should probably give the guy a second chance. Well, a proper first chance. But like last time, Chanwoo’s timing just sucks.

Jinhwan wakes up when Junhwe starts singing, and just as Junhwe had predicted, he’s cranky. But also as Junhwe had predicted, Jinhwan’s mood evens out a bit after some coffee. But not that much because he covers Junhwe’s mouth with his hand and glares. “Can I at least drink my coffee in peaceful silence?” Junhwe gives Jinhwan a devious look and then licks his hand, which leaves Jinhwan grumbling as he flicks Junhwe’s cheek and settles himself on the couch. Junhwe lets Jinhwan be and focuses on perfecting his singing. He gets a text from Yunhyeong midmorning saying that he’ll stop by to drop off Jinhwan’s notes before he goes out to lunch, and Junhwe grins at the message. Yunhyeong has been dutifully attempting to woo one of the classmates Jinhwan had asked to take notes for him, and it seems like his efforts are finally paying off.

After Yunhyeong leaves (and after Junhwe and Jinhwan both have teased him for his crush), Junhwe makes Jinhwan listen to his whole set. Jinhwan actually gives really good advice, and he even sounds nice when he sings. Junhwe loves listening to him, loves watching him, loves seeing how he narrows his eyes and bites his lip in concentration as he follows along to Junhwe’s singing. Junhwe loves how seriously Jinhwan takes it, how seriously Jinhwan takes Junhwe’s feelings in general, and it makes him a little sad all over again that Jinhwan doesn’t want to come see him perform. But by the time he’s taking a shower, his sadness has been replaced by anger because Jinhwan shouldn’t feel as uncomfortable as he does beyond the walls of Junhwe’s tiny studio apartment. They should be allowed to have their time together like they always have.

He’s still brooding while trying to pick out an outfit, but nothing is catching his eye. He’s critical of himself on a normal day, and now that he’s in a mood, he really can’t come to a decision about anything. “What’s stopping you from picking one of these pants?” Junhwe snaps out of his thoughts to frown at Jinhwan. Jinhwan is sitting on the bed, pointing to three pairs of pants Junhwe had laid out as possible choices. Jinhwan says he likes the ripped jeans the best, but Junhwe thinks he’ll be cold in them. He dismisses the others for one reason or another, and Jinhwan rolls his eyes. “Just flip a coin then or something.” He goes back to the bathroom, and Junhwe drops the shirts he’d been considering on the floor and walks over to the bed to examine the pants. He’d thought he might get cold in the ripped jeans, but now that he thinks about it, he’s going to be inside where it’s warm; it won’t really matter if his legs are a little exposed. “Fine then,” he mutters to himself as he shimmies into the jeans.

Jinhwan also ends up picking out Junhwe’s shirt and jacket—not that Junhwe would call it anything other than slightly-less-than-awful advice. Now that it’s almost time for him to leave, he can’t stop himself from growing more and more disappointed that Jinhwan isn’t coming. He pinches his cheeks in the bathroom, trying to make himself look happier (he can’t perform like this) when he hears Jinhwan ask if he can use Junhwe’s bag or if he should use his own. What? Junhwe stares at his reflection for a moment, slowly processing what Jinhwan had said before he pokes his head out of the bathroom. “Wait, what? You’re coming, hyung?” Jinhwan gives him a look. “I’m sitting here, dressed, even did my hair… You didn’t notice?” Junhwe shakes his head. He’d noticed Jinhwan getting dressed, of course, but he hadn’t thought it had meant Jinhwan would be coming out with him tonight. Now that he thinks about it, now that Jinhwan’s said it, he has no idea what else it could have meant. He grins and feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Maybe they’ll be okay.

But now that he knows Jinhwan is coming, Junhwe thinks he should do something special. He hums as he styles his hair, and after a while Junhwe realizes that his mindless humming has turned into the Jinhwan song. He smiles to himself. That’s it. He’s done just about everything that he can think of to try to make Jinhwan feel better, but the only thing he hasn’t done is sing. And this song… it has all of his complex feelings for Jinhwan wrapped up in a neat little package. Junhwe had thought for a long time that the song would just be between them because he hadn’t been able to bring himself to add it to his set, but now seems like the perfect time to debut it. He’ll tell everyone why he’s singing it, too. No one is going to take his relationship away from him. He’s going to be loud and open about it, and no one is going to stop him. Well, maybe except Jinhwan himself. He’d be mortified to be singled out like that, so Junhwe thinks he should probably tell Jinhwan what he’s planning to do, but then he’s sure Jinhwan would decide to stay home. And Junhwe isn’t about to ruin _that._

Donghyuk takes everyone to the bar, and once it’s Junhwe’s turn to perform, he pushes through his set. He doesn’t think he sounds as good as he usually does, but it almost doesn’t matter to him. He just wants to get to the end, to sing the Jinhwan song and hope that even just a tiny fraction of his love gets through to Jinhwan. But when he finally gets there and starts trying to explain what he’s going to sing and why, he gets nervous. He’d wanted to be confident and proud, but he just feels exposed. “Yeah, I mean, it’s embarrassing to say it out loud, and like, embarrassing to sing because it’s—it’s what I feel, y’know?” Junhwe swallows, and his eyes flick toward the bar where he knows Jinhwan is. “But he’s been having a rough time lately, and he’s here right now, and I just want him to know how much—how much he means to me.” The crowd seems receptive, and there’s a sort of excited buzz running through it. Junhwe clears his throat, smirks in a way that belies how he’s really feeling, and starts to sing.

He feels a bit like he had at Pride Performance Night over a year ago. But rather than that rose-colored yearning for something that had never been there, he’s filled with a gentle warmth that pools in the pit of his stomach and spreads all over his body. When he finishes the song, his skin is tingling and his heart is racing, and he doesn’t think it has anything to do with nerves. He meets Jinhwan backstage and just starts rambling. He can’t help it; he’s too wound up. Jinhwan covers his mouth, and Junhwe grins wildly down at him. He loves Jinhwan, loves him so much he thinks he might explode from the force of it all. But Jinhwan has a closed off expression on his face.

“I wish you’d’ve told me you were gonna do that.”  
“Do what?”  
“With the song,” Jinhwan says as he looks away.  
“Oh.” Junhwe tilts his head and frowns. It’s just as he’d thought. Jinhwan hadn’t liked having all the attention on him even though he hadn’t been singled out by name. “I thought if I told you, you’d get cold feet and decide not to come.”  
“That’s fair,” Jinhwan says with a small smile.  
“I just, you know…” Junhwe starts to say. He’s sensitive, but he struggles with vocalizing his feelings. He spends most of his time hoping that Jinhwan will just understand what he means (which Jinhwan usually does). “You know I suck at this kind of stuff, and I wanted you to know that—that I—” 

He can’t say it. But as usual, Jinhwan seems to understand because he kisses Junhwe and smiles. “I know,” he says softly. He says he appreciates everything that Junhwe has done for him, and Junhwe bites his lip to keep it from trembling. So Jinhwan has noticed the things Junhwe has been doing, and he’d liked them, and they had helped, maybe, and Junhwe has never felt more relieved in his life. Jinhwan takes Junhwe’s hands and squeezes them, gazing up at Junhwe with a tender expression, his eyes filled with love. “You’re the one always lifting me up to the clouds, you know. Not the other way around.” Junhwe frowns down at him, not quite sure what he means. The clouds? But as he repeats the words in his mind, he hears himself singing, and then it clicks: It’s his song—the Jinhwan song—no, _their_ song. He grins broadly and kisses Jinhwan, who smiles against his lips. “Let’s pack up,” he says. 

When they step out from backstage, a bunch of Junhwe’s fans are waiting for him. He laps up the attention, relishing it, basking in it, enjoying every second of it. He loves this kind of validation. A few of them ask him about his boyfriend, if he’s okay, and Junhwe gives the vague answer that he thinks he will be. Donghyuk, Chanwoo, and Yunhyeong also join the throng just to bother him, and Junhwe is feeling good. He’s feeling great, actually. He thinks things are finally coming back together, finally returning to normal. But of course nothing is that simple because Donghyuk disappears to take a phone call and then reappears moments later with a troubled frown.

“Hanbinie-hyung for you,” he says. “You should really take it.”  
Junhwe gives Donghyuk a weird look before he takes the phone and goes backstage where he won’t be bothered. “Hello?”  
“Hey, Junhwe? Have you talked to Jinanie-hyung recently?”  
“Yeah? Well, I mean, not for a little while, but he—”  
“Okay, look, I’ve been trying to call him, and—”  
“Hyung, maybe he’s just taking a shit, give him a minute to answer—” Junhwe interrupts, annoyed. Is this really it? He has _fans_ waiting.  
“Shut up for a second,” Hanbin snaps. “I was trying to call him, and he answered, but he didn’t say anything. He was talking to someone, and I couldn’t hear everything clearly, but it sounded like some girl was giving him shit for being gay.”

Junhwe’s heart stops. He knows exactly what had happened. _Mirae_. She had texted him ages ago saying that she would be in town for his show, but with everything that had been going on, he’d forgotten about her. Would she really stoop so low? Junhwe grits his teeth. Yeah, she would. She’d do anything to get what she wants, and right now, what she wants is Junhwe—or, more accurately, she wants to latch onto his budding fame. “Sorry, hyung, I—I have to go find him.” He hangs up without waiting for Hanbin to reply and hurries back out to the bar. He’d told Hanbin he would find Jinhwan, but he thinks instead the one he should be finding is Mirae. He grabs Donghyuk’s shoulder. “Go find Jinhwan. I need to find Mirae.” At the mention of Mirae’s name, all three of his friends share a glance. They know precisely what kind of evil jerk Mirae had been. They run off, and Junhwe scans the café. He finds Mirae sitting at a table with some of her friends, so he walks over as calmly as he can. “We need to talk.” She gives her friends a devilish smile before she follows Junhwe out of the bar, and Junhwe wants to wipe that smirk off her stupid perfect face. 

“What can I help you with?” Mirae asks airily.  
“What the fuck did you say to my fucking boyfriend?”  
Her expression turns ugly. “So it _is_ true. You really are a gay.”  
“I would have thought those pictures I sent you before would be proof enough. What is your fucking problem?”  
“ _You_ are my problem, Junhwe,” she says as her eyes narrow. “How can you not see that you’re wasting your time?”  
Junhwe’s blood boils. Wasting his time? “What are you talking about?”  
“What you’re doing now is just going to hurt a career in entertainment in the future. Don’t you realize that?”

Her tone suggests she thinks she’s helping him. Giving him advice or something. But Junhwe is shaking he’s so angry. She still thinks she knows better than he does, still thinks she can just run his life from the background. All she’d ever cared about was how she had looked to others, and when they’d been together, that obsession had extended to him as well. She’d tried to dictate every last detail of his life. But she doesn’t know _anything_ about him now. She doesn’t know that he’s just doing music for fun. She doesn’t know that his relationship is as serious at is. She doesn’t know anything at all, and yet she’s still trying to boss him around like she owns him. Well, Junhwe had given up being one of her decorations years ago; he isn’t about to let her try to regain control of his life again. He tells her to leave his boyfriend alone or he’ll call the cops on her, but she scoffs. “You wouldn’t dare.” Infuriated that she’s still taking the situation so lightly, Junhwe whips out Donghyuk’s phone, pulls up the homepage for Donghyuk’s mother’s law firm, and shoves the phone under Mirae’s nose. She arches a brow but takes the phone, and as recognition crosses her face, her eyes narrow dangerously.

“You stay away from us or I’ll have her come after you.”

Mirae holds Junhwe’s gaze for a long moment. He can tell that she’s weighing her options. Harassing Jinhwan and fighting with Junhwe are simple things that she can laugh about with her friends later, but having one of the most prominent and powerful lawyers in the country come anywhere near her would be nothing but trouble. Donghyuk’s mother could say the wrong thing to the wrong person, and Mirae could end up with a blemish on her perfect, pristine reputation. She hands the phone back to Junhwe and gives him one last look of loathing (how could anyone reject _her_ —he knows that’s what she’s thinking), and then she turns on her heel and stalks off. Junhwe stays standing in the parking lot trying to cool off because he knows he’d upset Jinhwan if he shows up as angry as he is. He sees Mirae and her friends leave the bar, and a few of them give him dirty looks, but Mirae ignores him completely. And at that, Junhwe feels the last of his anger leave his body. The fact that she hadn’t acknowledged him in any way means he’s won; she won’t bother him anymore. He licks his lips, takes a deep breath, and walks back into the bar.

Donghyuk, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo are sitting at a secluded table in a corner. A few of Junhwe’s fans approach him as he makes his way toward his friends, but he tries to brush them off as politely as he can. Under normal circumstances he would have ignored even Jinhwan to bask in his fans’ adoration, but tonight, after what had happened, he just can’t bring himself to care about them. “Where is he?” he asks before Yunhyeong has even scooted over enough to give him space to sit down. “In my car, talking to Hanbinie-hyung,” Donghyuk replies. His eyes flick to Yunhyeong before he says that he thinks Jinhwan is okay, that he’d been on the phone with Bobby when they’d found him. If this had happened any other day, Junhwe would have probably been a little jealous that Jinhwan had turned to Bobby, but right now, Junhwe is just grateful that someone had been able to be there for Jinhwan. He rubs his hands over his face and exhales slowly. Donghyuk asks him what he wants to do, and for a long time Junhwe just stares at a notch in the wooden surface of the table.

“Take us home,” he says finally.

Yunhyeong offers to get Junhwe’s stuff for him, and at Junhwe’s puzzled look, he says it’s so Junhwe can go see Jinhwan right away. Chanwoo and Donghyuk also tell Junhwe to just go to the car, which Donghyuk adds should be unlocked. Junhwe mutters his thanks and walks out of the bar moodily, his hands stuffed in his armpits. He feels drained. He finds Jinhwan lying down in the backseat of Donghyuk’s car, and Jinhwan smiles at him, sitting up just enough so that Junhwe can slide in. Jinhwan lies back with his head in Junhwe’s lap, and he points to his phone and mouths “Hanbin, it’s bad.” Junhwe nods, feeling too tired and upset to speak, and he distracts himself by running his fingers through Jinhwan’s long, soft hair. It’s calming, somehow, to feel Jinhwan’s warm weight in his lap, to hear the low murmur of Jinhwan’s voice as he talks to Hanbin, to let his fingers glide through the silky strands of Jinhwan’s hair. In a few minutes Donghyuk shows up, asking again if Junhwe is sure he wants to leave. Donghyuk knows that Junhwe had been looking forward to this night for ages, particularly the after party, but Junhwe just can’t be around other people right now. He feels too empty to even pretend to be happy.

Once they’re back at Junhwe’s apartment, Donghyuk asks one last time if Junhwe is okay to miss out on the after party, and Junhwe nods again. He still can’t bring himself to say anything. Donghyuk says goodbye to Jinhwan and gives Junhwe a concerned look before he finally turns to go. Junhwe shuts the door gently and stands there for a moment. He’ll talk to Donghyuk later. He turns around to see Jinhwan lying on the bed, still talking to Hanbin. Well, he’s really just listening, Junhwe thinks, because he’s only offering Hanbin the occasional grunt. Thinking that Jinhwan is probably fine on his own for now, Junhwe leaves him be and heads for the bathroom. He needs a minute alone; he still feels all wrong. With a shuddering breath he sits on the toilet, holds his head in his hands, and then his emotions get the better of him and he starts to sob. His friends hadn’t had to say anything for Junhwe to know that Mirae had driven Jinhwan into an anxiety attack; he’d seen it written all over their faces. He feels like everything is his fault—that if he hadn’t whined so much, maybe Jinhwan wouldn’t have felt like he’d needed to come; that if he hadn’t said anything and just played his original set, Mirae wouldn’t have targeted Jinhwan at all; that if he weren’t such a sorry excuse for a boyfriend in the first place, Jinhwan wouldn’t have to deal with any of Junhwe’s stupid, childish problems.

He forces himself to stop crying fairly quickly, putting on a brave face for Jinhwan so that Jinhwan has one less thing to worry about. He undresses in the bathroom, throwing his dirty clothes onto the floor, and then puts on his pajamas. They’re still in a heap on the bathroom floor when he’d left them there the other day, and he’s almost grateful that he doesn’t have to try to compose himself where Jinhwan can see him. He examines his face in the mirror and decides that his eyes aren’t puffy or red enough that Jinhwan will suspect anything, so he leaves the bathroom. Jinhwan is still on the phone, but he’s curled up in a ball now, hugging Junhwe’s pillow. The phone is sitting on his cheek, and his eyes are closed. Junhwe looks at him for a moment before going to the kitchen to grab himself a beer, and then he drops onto the bed beside Jinhwan and turns on the TV. He doesn’t think Jinhwan is really listening to anything Hanbin is saying, but he keeps the volume of the TV low just in case. But as soon as Junhwe has sat down, Jinhwan inches into his space and folds himself up against Junhwe’s side. He finishes his call with Hanbin soon after, drops Junhwe’s phone beside him, and wraps his arms around Junhwe’s middle, snuggling even closer with a small, satisfied sigh. Junhwe looks down at where Jinhwan has Junhwe’s hoodie balled in his fists, and he wonders why Jinhwan does that so much. It’s like he’s afraid Junhwe is going to go somewhere or something. Junhwe shifts in his spot.

“I’m really sorry about Mirae,” Junhwe says. 

His voice sounds strange to his ears. He tells Jinhwan that Mirae won’t be bothering them again, and Jinhwan looks up at him. There’s a mixture of relief and exhaustion in his eyes, and Junhwe feels sick to his stomach all over again. Jinhwan was supposed to have come home _happy_ tonight. Why had everything gone so wrong? Why does _everything_ have to go so wrong lately? Junhwe feels trapped. He glances at Jinhwan and then at his phone. He needs advice. Junhwe puts on a movie he knows Jinhwan won’t like, and predictably Jinhwan falls asleep almost immediately. He’s still in his clothes, but Junhwe knows that Jinhwan would be cranky if Junhwe accidentally woke him up trying to undress him, and he’d be cranky if he woke up cold if Junhwe had managed to get him out of his jeans anyway. So instead he pulls back the blankets on Jinhwan’s side, deposits Jinhwan there as carefully as he can, and then tucks Jinhwan in. Then he plugs in his phone and calls Bobby.

“Hey, hyung, you feeling down again?”  
Junhwe bites his lip. “Actually, it’s me.”  
“Oh,” Bobby says, surprised. “What’s up?”  
“I just wanted to—I wanted—he had a panic attack, didn’t he?”  
Bobby sighs. “Yeah. He told me everything. You sure can pick ’em, lil bro.”  
“Ha ha, very funny,” Junhwe grumbles. There’s a short, awkward silence. Junhwe rubs his forehead. “I just wanted to thank you for helping him,” Junhwe says finally.  
“Sure thing, you know I’m always here for you guys.”  
Junhwe glances at Jinhwan sleeping beside him. “He told me yesterday he’d go to school, but do you think he really will?”  
“Why wouldn’t he?”  
“Because of what happened tonight with my ex…”  
“Oh,” Bobby says, and he hums thoughtfully. “Honestly, I don’t know. If he doesn’t ask you to wake him up tomorrow, let me know.”  
“Okay, hyung. And thanks again.”  
“No problem, Junhwe. Goodnight, and I’ll see you on Monday.” 

Bobby hangs up. Junhwe sets his phone down on the nightstand and stays awake for a long time.

Jinhwan doesn’t end up asking Junhwe to wake him the next day. He goes to bed early with no mention of class tomorrow. Nothing about when he’d be getting up, whether they should walk to school together, if he might want to stop for coffee with Junhwe on the way. He still won’t go, then. Junhwe finishes the last of his financial accounting problems, does his economics readings, and then texts Bobby that Jinhwan hadn’t said anything. All Bobby responds with is a _K,_ which Junhwe finds somewhat irritating. He knows Bobby is planning something, but Junhwe would appreciate it if he were let in on the secret too—though he finds out the secret the next morning, much sooner than he’d imagined. He finishes writing Jinhwan a note saying that he’ll be with Yunhyeong so Jinhwan can contact him there, and when he plugs his phone back in, he notices several messages from Bobby.

_Hey June_  
_Yeah man I wanna talk to u lol_  
_I called Jinan’s sister cuz I want her to talk to him_  
_I’m bringing her to ur place this afternoon n I want u to talk to her too_  
_Ur free from 11:30 right?_

Junhwe stares at the messages. Jinhwan has spent the past two weeks deliberately avoiding his family, and Bobby wants to bring Jinhwan’s sister straight to him? And on top of that, he’d just decided to bring her to Junhwe’s apartment— _Junhwe’s_ apartment—without even asking Junhwe for permission first? Never mind the fact that Junhwe has absolutely no desire to talk to Jinhwan’s sister himself. He doesn’t want to hear that his relationship is worthless for the second time in less than three days. He starts typing back to Bobby as he storms out of his apartment, and he’s so close to completely losing his temper that he forgets he’d meant to leave his phone with Jinhwan.

_hyung wtf?????_  
_???????_  
_you cant just bring some random person to my house wtf_  
_wtf wtf wtf_  
_and NOi don’t wanan see her.!!! fuck!!_  
_!_

_June I talked to her straight she jus wants to help_

_i don’t even fuckign KNOW her hyung_  
_you couldn’t even ask me first or talk to me abt it_  
_you cant just decide shit on ur own like that_  
_fuck u!!!_

_Whoa hold da fuck up._  
_I’m ur hyung u better not talk to me like that_

_so what if ur hyung!!!_  
_!!!!!!!_  
_idc idc u cantd o thsi_

_Bein hyung means gettin sum damn respect n u should remember that!!_  
_Jinan only been outta ur place for like 3hrs or sum shit in 2 damn wks_  
_U kno dat ain’t healthy!_  
_June I’ve known Jinan n his noona for over 10yrs if I thought she was the wrong choice I wouldn’t ask u to meet her or try to bring her to see him_  
_But June listen. He respects her n he’s always listened to her well n if anyone could talk sum damn sense into him it would be her. That’s why I called her._  
_But how bout dis. U talk to her n if u think she can’t help or if u think she’s jus gonna try n drag him back to his parents or sum shit then I won’t bring her to see him._

Junhwe had been too angry to respond to Bobby’s later messages, but he starts to calm down a bit while Bobby explains why he’d reached out to Jinhwan’s sister in the first place. Bobby does know Jinhwan’s family better than Junhwe does. If he’d already spoken to her and thought she would do more help than harm… Junhwe sits down on a bench outside the science library, glaring at his phone screen. Well, despite whatever Bobby himself thinks, he’d put everything in Junhwe’s hands. Junhwe can talk to Jinhwan’s sister and decide for himself if she has Jinhwan’s best interests at heart. He knows that if he doesn’t want Jinhwan to see her, Bobby won’t bring her. He wouldn’t go back on a promise like that. Junhwe chews the inside of his cheek and tries to keep himself from getting too angry.

_fine ill meet u after my class_  
_where_

_West courtyard tables_  
_11:30 right?_

_ya_

_K see u then_

_whatever_

Junhwe expects Bobby to reprimand him for his attitude again, but there’s no response. Junhwe finds himself somehow even more irritated because he hadn’t managed to get a rise out of Bobby, but he tries to calm down. It’ll be fine, he reasons with himself. He just needs to talk to Jinhwan’s sister and find out what she and Bobby are trying to do. He slouches into his class and sits in the back. Unsurprisingly, he can’t stay focused. He keeps cycling between being worried and being angry. Junhwe wants Jinhwan to feel better and start coming to school again, and if he really does listen to what his sister says, then maybe she can succeed where Junhwe, Bobby, and Hanbin hadn’t. But then at the same time, Bobby had decided all of this on his own. From the sound of it, he’d come up with some plan and just expected Junhwe to go along with it, no questions asked. Like he thinks he knows better. Junhwe scowls at his notebook. 

But why _wouldn’t_ Bobby think that? He has known Jinhwan his whole life, after all, and Jinhwan values his opinions. Of course he’d think he knows best. Junhwe puts his pencil down and rubs his face. He tries to remind himself that Bobby is just trying to help, that all anyone wants is for Jinhwan to get better. But it’s hard not to feel like his own feelings aren’t being considered. The least Bobby could have done is tell Junhwe what he’d been planning to do beforehand instead of just strolling in at the last second to tell Junhwe what to do and expect it to be done. It isn’t fair to Junhwe. Jinhwan is easygoing and agreeable, so he often goes along with Bobby, and Hanbin and Donghyuk are both younger than Bobby and respect him enough to listen to him when he wants something done, though they do have their stubborn moments. But Junhwe just isn’t like that. Of course he respects Bobby—Bobby is brilliant, fiercely loyal, and caring, but Junhwe is proud to a fault. He won’t defer to someone else just because they’re older. No, he’ll butt heads with anyone regardless of how much he respects them, regardless of whether they’re his hyung or his noona. It’s a flaw, most definitely, and he’s been working on trying to keep from running his mouth as much, but… 

He sighs as the professor dismisses them. He has no problem standing up to Bobby, but he isn’t sure that this is something he should be fighting about in the first place. No matter, he thinks as he trudges across campus toward the west courtyard. He’ll figure out if it’s worth it soon enough.


	4. Deep Dahlia Purple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"My heart is a garden tired with autumn, heaped with bending asters and dahlias heavy and dark."_  
>  \- Sara Teasdale, "The Garden"

The conversation with Jinhwan’s sister goes surprisingly well. She apologizes for everything right off the bat and says she wouldn’t blame Junhwe if he doesn’t trust her. “You have every right to be angry,” she says. “But I only want to make sure he’s okay, and I think we can all agree he needs to start going back to school.” They talk for a while, though Jinhwan’s sister does most of the talking. She explains that she’d already convinced her mother to stop coming to campus to stalk Hanbin and Bobby, and she’d gotten her mother to read coming out stories, among other things, so that she understands where Jinhwan is coming from. Her father is a bit of a different story, but she assures Junhwe and Bobby that she’s doing everything she can to ensure that her parents come out of this on Jinhwan’s side. It’s comforting, somehow, to know that there’s at least one person in Jinhwan’s family who supports his relationship, and Junhwe does think it’s likely that Jinhwan needs to see that. It could be just the push he needs to realize that things can get better. And since nothing else—not even Hanbin and Bobby—had worked, well… At this point, Junhwe is ready to try anything. So he tells them it’s fine, that Bobby can bring Jinhwan’s sister to his apartment to see Jinhwan, and Bobby thanks him. “We’ll head over now, then,” he says as he claps Junhwe on the shoulder. Junhwe just nods. Jinhwan’s sister gives him a small smile before turning to follow Bobby, and Junhwe feels sick. He hopes this is the right thing to do.

But he spends the rest of the day worrying even though the initial conversation had gone so well. They’d all agreed it would be better if it were just Jinhwan and his sister, so Junhwe drags himself to the café where Yunhyeong works instead of going back home. Yunhyeong brings Junhwe a free coffee and a scone, and after Junhwe gives him a brief rundown of what’s going on, he brings Junhwe two more scones. Donghyuk, Chanwoo, and some people from Pride join Junhwe soon after, and they do a decent enough job of distracting him for a little while. But Junhwe just can’t stop thinking about Jinhwan, so he leaves early. Jinhwan and his sister should be done by now anyway, he thinks. He’s pretty sure Bobby has class now, and he doesn’t want Jinhwan to have to be alone for any longer than necessary. But to Junhwe’s surprise, Jinhwan’s sister is still there when he gets home. “Sorry, hyung, I thought—I’ll just go to the library and—” But Jinhwan holds his arms out, making grabby hands at Junhwe.

Junhwe hesitates. Jinhwan doesn’t seem to have a problem inviting Junhwe to be affectionate in front of his sister for whatever reason, but Junhwe can’t quite get a read on her. She’d seemed supportive earlier in the day, but Junhwe has a lot of experience with people who appear one way but act another. And even now, her expression is unreadable as she trains her eyes on him. This would be the real test, he thinks. She can say anything, but how she reacts to them right now when they’re right in front of her will tell Junhwe everything he needs to know. He crosses the room and gathers Jinhwan in his arms, and Jinhwan kisses Junhwe’s cheek, his fingers gripping the back of Junhwe’s jacket. Junhwe steps back and pecks Jinhwan on the lips until Jinhwan pushes him away with a laugh. Junhwe looks at Jinhwan’s sister, but nothing in her face has changed, and when Jinhwan turns to look back at her too, his posture relaxes. Junhwe can’t stop himself from smiling. It’ll be fine. He offers to get Jinhwan’s sister a drink, but she says she’s okay, so he announces that he’s going to go take a shit (which he says mostly to get a rise out of Jinhwan, who does indeed smack Junhwe, affronted). “Really, Goo Junhwe? You’re gonna talk like that in front of my sister?” Junhwe cackles on his way to the bathroom. Jinhwan is too easy.

Jinhwan’s sister leaves soon after, and Jinhwan is hungry, so Junhwe cooks some ramen for them. They watch television while they eat, and they’re both quiet. Jinhwan has gone silent every so often the past two weeks and retreated into his own head, his eyes distant and his expression vacant, but this is different; it feels lighter. It’s like when Hanbin and Bobby had come over and talked Jinhwan into going to Junhwe’s show—the mood is just better somehow. Jinhwan curls up against Junhwe when he finishes eating, his arms folded across his stomach and his knees pulled up to his chest. Junhwe drops an arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders without thinking, letting his fingers ghost lazily up and down Jinhwan’s arm. Jinhwan scoffs at whatever the host of the show had done and mutters something under his breath, and Junhwe blinks at him. They’re having a moment, he realizes. It’s one of those times when neither of them is doing anything in particular, but both of them feel at peace. They’ll be okay, Junhwe thinks. It’ll be fine. Junhwe squeezes Jinhwan’s arm, and Jinhwan gets up, stretches, and takes their bowls. He hadn’t cooked, so he’s on dish duty. Junhwe follows him into the kitchen a little while later to see him scrubbing the pot. Junhwe hugs Jinhwan from behind, which earns him a handful of water and soap suds to the face, but he doesn’t budge. 

“So you’ll come to school tomorrow?”  
The mood might be lighter, but Junhwe has to know for sure. Jinhwan sighs and looks down at the sink full of dishes and soapy water. He’s quiet for a moment, like he’s mulling over his options, and then he sighs again. “Yeah,” he says finally. “I’ll go.”

Junhwe grins, resisting the urge to cheer, and kisses Jinhwan’s cheek. That’s exactly the response he’d wanted to hear. Things are far from perfect, and it will take a long time for either of them to really get over what had happened, but this is the first big step. They’ll be okay, Junhwe keeps telling himself. It’ll be fine. 

The change is gradual, but eventually everything goes back to normal—or as normal as it’s going to get, anyway. Junhwe starts hanging out with Chanwoo, who is actually really smart and funny, and he starts going to Pride events and Hanbin’s dance practices again. Jinhwan never misses another day of class, and he starts to laugh more and more. They’re even back to having sex regularly again. Really, Junhwe can’t find much to complain about. Jinhwan is still living with him, and they’d fallen into a routine so easily that Junhwe is shocked they hadn’t fought more over stupid things. Well, they do bicker a lot, and they argue sometimes, but they never fight. They’d gotten into a weirdly heated argument about which milk brand to buy once, and another time Jinhwan had flung all the dirty clothes Junhwe had left in the bathroom at his head, grumbling about how he’s tired of telling Junhwe to use the laundry basket, but really, that’s been the extent of their domestic disputes. Jinhwan is moody, but he’s pretty easygoing, so he tends to go with whatever Junhwe wants anyway. And Junhwe has been trying harder to be sensitive to Jinhwan’s moods after what had happened, so nothing ever turns into a full-blown fight.

Junhwe is glad that nothing much has changed in their relationship since the incident. He’d been so unsure of himself at the start, and then everything had sort of blown up in his face, and then with Jinhwan so depressed and the whole Mirae fiasco, Junhwe had been quietly terrified that once Jinhwan had recovered enough to leave the apartment, breakup would be imminent. But Jinhwan has never given any indication that he wants to leave, and in fact, he’s the one who brings up their moving in together again. The ensuing search for an apartment, however, only highlights their need to find jobs. Jinhwan can’t ask his parents for help, and neither Junhwe nor Jinhwan wants Junhwe’s parents to shoulder the burden for both of them. So Bobby helps Jinhwan get a job at the science library from next semester, and Junhwe finds a couple places that are willing to be flexible with his schedule. When he calls his parents one day to update them about the move and the job hunt, his mother is adamant that they’ll still help him however they can. Although he doesn’t want her to break the bank, he tells her they can at least discuss it once he finds out exactly what his and Jinhwan’s financial situation will be like. “Ah, before you go,” she says as Junhwe starts to say goodbye, “I know he probably has other plans, but we’d love it if you could bring Jinhwan home with you for Christmas.” Junhwe promises her to ask Jinhwan about it.

He doesn’t say anything to Jinhwan, however, until Jinhwan confesses that his parents and sister hadn’t reached out to him to ask him to come home for the holidays. Junhwe had noticed that Jinhwan has been down lately—so that’s why. Junhwe sighs to himself as he drains the spaghetti he’d cooked. He’d been a little afraid to ask Jinhwan to go home with him at first because he’d thought Jinhwan might say no out of fear that Junhwe’s parents would react badly to him, but at least Junhwe can assuage those fears; he can’t do anything about Jinhwan’s family situation. He should ask Jinhwan to come over and at least see what he says, though. Anything is better than seeing Jinhwan upset about something beyond his control, at any rate.

“You know, my mom wants you to come home with me for the holidays, so if you don’t wanna go home, you can come with me?” The question comes out much more unsure than Junhwe had intended.  
Jinhwan stops twirling his spaghetti, sets down his fork, and considers Junhwe with a dubious expression. “She wants _me_ to come?”  
“Yeah, I—well, I called them up a couple weeks before shit hit the fan and confessed everything,” Junhwe says with an embarrassed shrug. “My sister was pissed you aren’t available for her to snatch up, by the way.”  
Jinhwan snorts. “Was she?”  
“Yeah,” Junhwe says, grinning. “But, uh, anyway, my parents really want to meet you properly now that they know we’re together, so if you want, we can go. I don’t go home much, so I have to go back, which means I can’t stay here with you.”  
“Well,” Jinhwan says slowly, “Hanbin and Bobby invited me over too if I have nowhere else to go, but…” He wets his lips. “It looks like I have somewhere to go after all.”  
Junhwe smiles, relieved. “Awesome, I’ll tell them you’re coming, then.”

So their Christmas plans are settled, but Christmas also means presents, and Junhwe has no idea what to get Jinhwan. His mother had asked him what Jinhwan wants, and when he’d asked Jinhwan, Jinhwan had insisted that no one get him anything, just like he had for his birthday. Junhwe knows (and he’s sure Jinhwan knows too) that his mother will still buy Jinhwan something, but Junhwe is pretty sure Jinhwan is expecting Junhwe to get him something regardless of what he’d said. And if Junhwe screws up… Well, he thinks Jinhwan would graciously accept whatever he gets, but Junhwe wants Jinhwan to actually like it. Considering what both of them have gone through this year, Junhwe wants his gift to be meaningful. He’s thinking about all this at the library when he’s supposed to be studying for finals, but he ends up dozing off, unable to get himself to focus. His mind carries him back to the day at Jinhwan’s house, before everything had gone horribly wrong, and Junhwe smiles to himself at the memory of Jinhwan’s dancing. Jinhwan had looked so captivating, so beautiful, so in his element… Wait, that’s it. Junhwe will take Jinhwan to see a show. He shoots up, and Donghyuk raises his eyebrows. “I just thought of what to get Jinanie-hyung for Christmas,” Junhwe explains, and Donghyuk smiles. “Great. Now stop clicking your pen; it’s annoying as hell.” Junhwe drops his pen with a roll of his eyes and grabs his phone instead to start googling ballet companies.

It takes Junhwe all of five minutes to get overwhelmed by the shows and the companies and the ticketing process. He really doesn’t know anything about the world of the performing arts because he’s never been to a play or a musical or anything like that because neither he nor anyone else in his family has ever had any interest. Besides, the more he thinks about it, the more he thinks that a professional like Jinhwan would have likes and dislikes, but Junhwe is clueless about everything. After a day of fruitless googling, Junhwe decides to ask Bobby and Hanbin about it. They’ve known Jinhwan pretty much all their lives, so Junhwe thinks it’s safe to assume they’ll know Jinhwan's preferences. Junhwe and Bobby go to the gym together often and Hanbin usually picks them up, so Junhwe brings it up the next time they go as they’re all getting ready to leave.

“Hey, um,” he starts to say before his embarrassment gets the better of him. “I mean, uh, actually, never mind—”  
“Spit it out, man, what’s up?” Bobby says as he pulls on a clean shirt.  
“I was thinking of buying tickets to a ballet show for Jinanie-hyung for Christmas, and I was hoping maybe you could give me some advice?” Junhwe says in a rush.  
Hanbin looks up from his phone in surprise, and Bobby punches Junhwe’s shoulder.  
“Yo, that’s a great idea!” he cries enthusiastically.  
“You think so?” Junhwe asks meekly.  
“I can’t remember the last time he told me he went to one,” Hanbin adds. “I think he’d be really happy to go with you.”  
“C’mon,” Bobby says as he grabs his backpack. “Let me buy you guys both some lunch and we’ll talk it out.”

The three of them discuss at length the shows Jinhwan had said he’d enjoyed watching, the variations he’d liked, the music he’d been partial to, and they compare all of that to the companies and upcoming shows. Eventually they settle on _Sleeping Beauty_ because Jinhwan has always loved the music, apparently, and there just happens to be a run of it coming up soon. Hanbin and Bobby help Junhwe buy his tickets, and that’s that. (They won’t arrive by Christmas, though, so Junhwe buys Jinhwan a new pair of gloves too just so Jinhwan can open something on the actual day.) Hanbin and Bobby drop him off outside his apartment after lunch and tell him to say hi to Jinhwan for them. “Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung say hi,” Junhwe says as he shrugs his coat off once he’s inside. Jinhwan looks up from his computer and smiles. “You were gone long.” Junhwe explains that they’d gone out to lunch, to which Jinhwan pouts and asks why he hadn’t been invited. Junhwe plops down beside him on the couch and leans in for a kiss that Jinhwan doesn’t let him have. “You’d have to ask Bobby-hyung; it was his idea.” Jinhwan gives Junhwe a measured look before he sighs and lets Junhwe kiss him. “Fine, I’ll be mad at him instead.” Junhwe grins. Yeah, they’ll be okay. Things will be fine.

He and Jinhwan leave early on Christmas Eve to make the long trek to Junhwe’s hometown. They don’t talk much on the way there because neither of them is much of a morning person, but Junhwe doesn’t think much of it. (He’s barely conscious enough for any coherent thought at all, to be honest.) When they get off the last bus, he makes an offhand comment about how they’re finally almost there, and Jinhwan stares at his shoes. “I’m a little nervous,” he admits in a small voice. Junhwe takes Jinhwan’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “They wanted you to come,” he says. Jinhwan smiles up at him. “I know. That’s why it’s only a little.” Junhwe chews his lip. He doesn’t think there will be any problems, but he still hopes everything goes well anyway. The last thing he wants is for more things from his life to be a burden for Jinhwan.

He lets himself in once they get to his house. “Mom, I’m home!” he shouts. She calls for him from the kitchen, so he heads there with Jinhwan trailing behind him. They meet her in the hallway, and her face lights up when she sees Junhwe. She gives him a hug and a kiss, and then she notices Jinhwan hiding awkwardly behind him. “And of course here’s Kim Jinhwan!” He mumbles a hello, and Junhwe can see his mother fighting the urge to try to hug him too. She settles for a hand on his back as she guides him into the kitchen (after first beckoning him out from behind Junhwe), and she’s already trying to force tea and snacks on him in the five seconds it takes for Junhwe to catch up to them. “Oh my god, Mom, can he at least put his stuff down before you start force-feeding him? Give him some breathing room.” She huffs at Junhwe but then kindly tells Jinhwan that she’ll still have tea and snacks ready for him when he comes back downstairs. Jinhwan thanks her politely and then picks his bag back up and looks expectantly at Junhwe, who lopes out of the kitchen and leads the way up the stairs to his room.

Jinhwan looks around the room curiously once he’s followed Junhwe inside, and Junhwe feels oddly embarrassed. He hasn’t actually lived with his family full-time since he was thirteen, so not much in his room has really changed since then. There are faded, peeling posters of Michael Jackson and old foreign movies on his walls, and on his shelves are dusty books, CDs, and some pictures and mementos from his boarding school days. Junhwe feels exposed, somehow, with Jinhwan seeing all of this. Jinhwan sets his things down by the futon folded up in the middle of the room, and then he passes Junhwe to sit on the bed. He opens his mouth to say something just as Junhwe’s mother throws the door open.

“I’m so sorry, Jinhwan, I had to put out a futon because Junhwe’s bed is barely big enough for him, and—”  
“ _Mom!_ ” Junhwe groans, mortified. “We’re not—he—ugh, just go _away,_ we’ll be down in a minute, _god—_ ”  
He shoos her out of the room as she goes on about how she just wants to make sure Jinhwan is comfortable, and then he leans against his closed door and shakes his head at Jinhwan. “Sorry about her. You’re the first person I’ve ever introduced her to, and I think it’s messing with her brain.”  
Jinhwan snorts. “It’s fine. It’s—she’s nice.” He pokes at Junhwe’s comforter and then fixes Junhwe with an even expression. “She seems to be okay with the idea of us sharing a bed.”

Junhwe blinks. His mind had jumped automatically to “my mother is making implications about my sex life, abort immediately,” so he hadn’t considered the significance of what she’d said in the first place. He crosses the room to sit beside Jinhwan on the bed, and Jinhwan leans against him, his arms wrapping around Junhwe’s middle. He sighs quietly, and then he sits back, one hand on Junhwe’s shoulder and the other still gripping Junhwe’s shirt. He blinks slowly, his eyes half-closed. Junhwe frowns. “Are you okay?” Jinhwan nods once and says it’s fatigue, that this happens more frequently in winter, and Junhwe can remember Jinhwan's getting like this a couple other times the past few months. “How selfish of me would it be to ask you to lie down with me?” Junhwe tries to say that it wouldn’t be selfish at all, that he’s happy to stay here with Jinhwan for a while, but Jinhwan shakes his head. “No, it is selfish. Your family hasn’t seen you in ages, and you came here for them, so you should go spend time with them.” Junhwe gives Jinhwan a skeptical look, but Jinhwan pushes him gently away. “Go. I promise I’ll be down soon.” He lies down, his back to Junhwe, and Junhwe bites his lip. Jinhwan probably isn’t like this because of anxiety, he tells himself. It’s probably just a weather thing. And whatever the case, Jinhwan is right—Junhwe’s parents will be upset with him if he stays holed up in his room. Jinhwan should be fine by himself; he’s just sleeping anyway.

Jinhwan doesn’t come downstairs for almost two hours. Junhwe is sitting in the living room on the couch, messing around on his phone. He looks up when his sister greets Jinhwan, who still seems sort of out of it. He shuffles over to Junhwe and drops down heavily beside him. Junhwe’s arms curl around Jinhwan automatically. “Feeling better?” Jinhwan nods sleepily and gives Junhwe a crooked grin before he kisses the corner of Junhwe’s mouth. “All right you lovebirds, dinner’s ready, come on.” Junhwe jumps at the sound of his mother’s voice, and Jinhwan looks around groggily and rubs his eyes. Then his eyes widen; apparently he’d finally realized Junhwe’s mother and sister are there. He tenses, and Junhwe gives him a reassuring pat. “Sorry,” Jinhwan starts to say, his voice high and panicked. “Sorry, I—” But Junhwe’s sister scoffs and rolls her eyes. “What are you even apologizing about? Come on, guys, let’s eat.” She smacks the back of Junhwe’s head on her way out of the room. He shouts after her, offended, but she ignores him. Loser. He hops to his feet, thinking of all the ways he can get her back later, but Jinhwan doesn’t follow. He seems deep in thought. “Hyung? If you’re still tired, you can go lie down, it’s fine.” Jinhwan shakes his head and smiles. “I’m okay.”

Although it’s a little awkward the first night, by the time Junhwe and Jinhwan head back home a few days later, everything feels normal. Junhwe’s parents (as annoying as he finds them sometimes) are both wonderful to Jinhwan and treat him like part of the family. They aren’t invasive or pushy, and they sincerely want to learn about Jinhwan and his relationship with Junhwe. They aren’t weird about anything either, and for the whole five days that Junhwe and Jinhwan spend with them, they do nothing but show how genuinely happy they are that Junhwe has found someone he likes so much. Jinhwan relaxes too in time. He entertains Junhwe’s mother’s rambling, he jokes with Junhwe’s father, and he and Junhwe’s sister spend half their time talking about ballet because Junhwe’s sister had been a dancer for a while. (And both of them scold Junhwe for never having mentioned to either of them that they have that in common. Junhwe can’t help that he’d forgotten.) Aside from family time, Junhwe and Jinhwan go on walks or watch movies, and it’s just… nice. It’s healing. Junhwe doesn’t spend a single second thinking about what had happened with Jinhwan’s family or the Mirae drama. And when they get back to his apartment just before the new year, he thinks that maybe they can finally put it all behind them. Start the year fresh. 

But when he wakes up the day before New Year’s Eve, Jinhwan is coughing and won’t get out of bed even when Junhwe starts cooking breakfast. He says he thinks he’s getting sick. “Shit, hyung, well don’t infect me.” Jinhwan laughs and coughs in Junhwe’s face in response, and Junhwe, in his attempt to get out of the way, ends up falling off of the bed. Jinhwan gets up now, though, and kicks Junhwe playfully on his way to the bathroom. He must not be feeling too terrible if he can mess around like this, so Junhwe eats his breakfast and watches some videos on YouTube without worrying about Jinhwan that much. Jinhwan joins Junhwe at the table after showering, and every time he leans into Junhwe’s space to steal his food, Junhwe can smell jasmine. “Go make your own,” Junhwe whines eventually, snatching his chopsticks from Jinhwan. Jinhwan gives him a pitiful look, and Junhwe huffs. “Okay, fine, I’ll make you some.” Jinhwan gives him a triumphant smile, and Junhwe grumbles. He’s only being so nice because Jinhwan is sick. When Junhwe is done eating, he goes back to the kitchen to cook Jinhwan an egg, and he glances at the clock. The tickets he’d ordered should be arriving soon, and he finds himself nervous. He hopes Jinhwan is happy with them.

No sooner has the thought crossed his mind than the doorbell rings. Perfect timing. He calls for Jinhwan to answer the door, and when Jinhwan asks in confusion who it is, Junhwe tells him to just answer it. He slides the egg onto a plate and walks out from the kitchen area to wish Jinhwan merry Christmas again, but his good mood disappears immediately when he sees who it is on the doorstep: It isn’t the postman; it’s Jinhwan’s mother. Jinhwan looks over his shoulder at Junhwe and then ushers his mother in, guiding her to the couch. “Hyung, what—no, what’re you doing, you can’t—” Junhwe starts to say, but Jinhwan silences him with a glare. He throws a pair of sweatpants from the floor at Junhwe (who does agree that standing around in his underwear in front of Jinhwan’s mother is a bad idea), so he puts them on and watches Jinhwan fuss around the apartment with a scowl. Jinhwan asks his mother if she would like some water, which she does, so after a pointed look from Jinhwan, Junhwe stomps off to the kitchen to get her some. How had she found them? Who had told her? It was probably fucking Bobby again. He must have decided that Jinhwan should spend the new year with his family or something. Fucking Bobby.

Junhwe gives Jinhwan’s mother the glass of water, and Jinhwan asks him to sit at the table. It’s on the other side of the room from where Jinhwan and his mother are seated on the couch, so clearly he wants some privacy, but that’s fine by Junhwe. He needs to talk to Hanbin and Bobby anyway and figure out how the hell this had happened. He throws himself into a chair and pulls out his phone. He keeps one eye on Jinhwan and his mother as he types away furiously to Hanbin and Bobby.

_jinans fuckign MOM is here_  
_who rhe fuck told her im gonana fucjjnf KILL u_

_Excuse me???_  
_Me n Hanbin didn’t tell anyone anything idk wat ur talkin abt_

_Yea June wtf is ur problem_

_well then how did she fuckjfn find ojt where i live_

_Idk man we didn’t do anything_  
_But I’m sorry she found u is everything ok?? Me n Hanbin r both at our apt we can come over do u need us?_

_wait u rly didn’t say anything?_  
_??_

_No n Bobby-hyung asked u a question can u answer it_

_Hanbin be nice this is hard for him_  
_Yo June? U still wit us buddy?_

Junhwe doesn’t see Hanbin’s and Bobby’s last messages because, after confirming they weren’t the ones who had blabbed, he’d looked up at Jinhwan and his mother just in time for him to hear her call Jinhwan sick. _Sick._ Like being gay is something they can cure or that he can grow out of. Junhwe had had enough shit like that from Mirae; he isn’t about to stand for it when it’s directed at Jinhwan, the person Junhwe loves most in the world, by Jinhwan’s own goddamn family. He springs from his chair, only partially aware of his own actions as he flies across the room to scream at Jinhwan’s mother. “Being gay isn’t a fucking sickness! You don’t understand a single fucking thing if you think that, you fucking—” But Jinhwan leaps to his feet and shoves Junhwe away. Junhwe tries to push past him, to get back at Jinhwan’s mother, to _make_ her understand, she isn’t going to keep hurting Jinhwan like this, not on Junhwe’s watch, oh no, he won’t let her—

“Goo Junhwe, calm down. Calm down. Look at me. _Look at me,_ ” Jinhwan says firmly. He’s gripping Junhwe’s arms and shaking him. Junhwe tears his eyes from the alarmed face of Jinhwan’s mother to look Jinhwan in the eye.  
“She said—”  
“She isn’t talking about being gay.”  
Junhwe deflates immediately. “Huh?” 

That can’t be right. What else could she be talking about? But Jinhwan pulls Junhwe into the kitchen. “When she said I was sick, she wasn’t talking about me being gay,” Jinhwan says quietly. He has that old troubled expression on his face that he used to wear a lot before the incident, and Junhwe’s brow furrows in confusion. What’s really going on? Jinhwan promises to explain everything after his mother leaves, but he wants Junhwe to go while they talk. Junhwe can’t stop himself from scowling. The last thing he wants to do is leave Jinhwan alone with his mother. “Please?” Jinhwan asks, and his voice cracks. Junhwe struggles with himself for a moment before he nods, and Jinhwan gives a small sigh of relief and kisses Junhwe. _Thank you,_ it means. But Junhwe doesn’t want to be thanked for this. He makes as much noise as he can as he gets ready to go in order to broadcast his displeasure. This fucking sucks. Jinhwan meets him at the door before he goes. He hides his face in Junhwe’s chest and wraps his arms loosely around Junhwe’s waist. “Thanks.” Junhwe sighs in response. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?” he asks. Jinhwan nods and gives Junhwe a kiss goodbye, and then he steers Junhwe out of the apartment when Junhwe makes no move to leave on his own. Junhwe stands on his doorstep for a long moment afterward, his fingernails digging into his palms.

Well, fuck.

He responds to Hanbin’s and Bobby’s earlier messages ( _i got kicked out while they talk so whatever it’s probably fine_ ) and goes to the science library. He might as well study—not that he ends up getting anything done. He knows he’d been out of control, and he knows that’s why Jinhwan had made him leave. He shouldn’t have lost it like that. He rubs his hands over his face and groans into them. He’d made quite the ass of himself, and in front of Jinhwan’s mother to boot… If anything, he should have tried to impress her or something. Gotten her to like him so that she stops treating Jinhwan like he’s diseased. But he’d fucked that up spectacularly. He sighs and slumps over the desk. Par for the course for him, really. World’s worst boyfriend. And then there’s whatever Jinhwan had promised to explain, which does nothing but make Junhwe nervous. The last time Jinhwan had had some weird surprise for Junhwe, everything had gone to shit. Junhwe buries his face in his arms. Things had been going so well. Why does everything always have to fall apart just when they’re starting to get better? It isn’t fair. After around thirty minutes of wallowing, Junhwe gets a text from Jinhwan saying that his mother is gone, so he leaves immediately. Jinhwan seems tired when Junhwe gets home. Tired and desperate and terrified. “Go sit. I’m gonna get some water.” Junhwe shrugs and sits on the couch. Jinhwan plops down next to him and takes a big gulp of water. Junhwe just looks at him. 

“When my mom said I was sick, it’s…” Jinhwan trails off and licks his lips. “It’s because I am sick, Junhwe.” Junhwe’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t say anything, so Jinhwan goes on. “I have what’s called acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It’s a blood cancer.”

There’s a strange ringing in Junhwe’s ears. He hadn’t expected anything like this in his wildest dreams. Leukemia? It’s the reason Jinhwan had quit ballet and started university late, apparently. Junhwe doesn’t really understand. Jinhwan looks basically okay? And he seems fine, usually—well, when he’s not fatigued or fainting or bruising or breaking out in some weird rash (as has happened on more than one occasion since Junhwe has had the pleasure of seeing Jinhwan with his clothes off). Junhwe runs a hand through his hair with a frown, trying to process everything. How had he never noticed? And more importantly, why hadn’t Jinhwan ever said anything?

“So… so you have cancer?” he asks weakly. Jinhwan nods. “And you didn’t tell me?” Jinhwan nods again. “But… you don’t…” Junhwe doesn’t really know how to say it.  
“I’m in remission,” Jinhwan says. “The worst part of my treatment was years ago, back when I was first diagnosed.”

Well, Junhwe supposes it makes sense. So Jinhwan has been cancer-free for almost five years now. But if that’s the case, then why hadn’t he just said anything from the start? “Right,” Junhwe says, nodding. “But why didn’t you just tell me?” Jinhwan looks at his hands in his lap, his ears turning pink. “I didn’t wanna scare you away,” he mutters. Oh. Junhwe chews his lip. He would never have left, but he figures cancer has to be terrible for everyone involved. Maybe Jinhwan had had people fade out of his life in the past and hadn’t wanted that to happen with Junhwe. Junhwe doesn’t really fault him for being afraid, but he still wishes Jinhwan would have had the confidence to talk to him about it. He wants Jinhwan to feel like he can depend on Junhwe.

“Am I the only one who didn’t know?” Junhwe asks.  
Jinhwan bites his lip. “I mean, Donghyuk or Yunhyeong or whatever, they don’t know, but Hanbin and Bobby do. They were with me the whole time.”  
Ah. Of course. Junhwe rubs his fingers over the hem of his shirt vacantly. “They were?” His voice sounds small and strained. Jinhwan sighs.

Bobby had moved to Korea just to be with Jinhwan, and Hanbin had never left Jinhwan’s side, apparently. Junhwe had always wondered why Bobby had come to Korea; of course the reason had been something like this. Of course Hanbin and Bobby had been there for Jinhwan. They’re always there for him. “I dunno that I could have gotten through it without them,” Jinhwan admits. And there it is. Junhwe will just never match up to those two. They’ve always been there for Jinhwan, from his highest highs to his lowest lows. They’d gotten him to go out when Junhwe had spent two weeks trying and failing. And what has Junhwe done other than bring his problems into Jinhwan’s life? What has Junhwe done other than complicate Jinhwan’s relationship with his family? What has Junhwe done other than be pitifully less than what Jinhwan deserves? Junhwe can feel tears welling up in his eyes. Why had he ever thought himself important to Jinhwan when Jinhwan hadn’t even felt comfortable enough to trust Junhwe with information like this? 

“So you don’t need me,” Junhwe blurts out before he can stop himself. He starts to cry. Truly pathetic.  
“Hey, come on, you know that isn’t true,” Jinhwan says as he tries to comfort Junhwe, but Junhwe jerks out of his reach.  
“I’ve done everything I can for you, hyung,” Junhwe wails, “and I d-don’t know what else to do, like—I’ve tried s-so hard to make you love me as much you love B-Bobby-hyung and Han-b-b—”

Junhwe is sobbing hysterically now. He doesn’t want Jinhwan to stop loving Hanbin and Bobby. He doesn’t think they’re trying to take Jinhwan away from him, and he isn’t jealous that they’re all friends. No, he’s jealous of the kind of friendship that they have. He doesn’t want to feel like he knows less about Jinhwan than Hanbin or Bobby because it makes him feel like he’s on the outside, like there’s no place for him in Jinhwan’s heart too. Maybe it’s stupid and selfish and childish, but Junhwe feels stupid and selfish and childish. He just wants Jinhwan to love him that much too. Jinhwan tries to gather Junhwe in his arms again, and this time Junhwe doesn’t push him away. Jinhwan kisses the top of Junhwe’s head and rocks him gently, and then he starts to ramble. He goes on about how he loves Hanbin and Bobby but it isn’t the same as how he loves Junhwe. He says that Junhwe had helped fix something that his illness had broken inside him, that Hanbin and Bobby had helped him get through each day but it’s Junhwe who had helped him learn to love life again. Junhwe had made him feel good and confident and like life was worth living. 

“I need Hanbin and Bobby, I’ve been with them so long I wouldn’t know how to live without them, but god, Goo Junhwe, you’re my everything. I love you, I could spend my whole life with you, I—”

Jinhwan stops talking at the sound of a knock on the door. Junhwe is just sniffling now, feeling a little better about himself. He’s never felt a hundred percent like the kind of partner Jinhwan deserves, but to hear Jinhwan say directly that Junhwe had helped him, that Junhwe’s love had helped him heal… Maybe Junhwe is less incompetent than he’d thought. He starts wiping his face off with his hands and pushes Jinhwan gently off of him. This time it probably is the postman with the tickets. “Go, hyung, before the post guy leaves.” Jinhwan frowns but goes to the door. It is indeed the postman, and Junhwe sits up straight and wipes his hands and face on his shirt. He’s got to pull it together. He takes a deep breath. Jinhwan sits down beside him again and opens the envelope. His jaw drops when he realizes what’s inside.

“Oh my god,” he says weakly. “ _Sleeping Beauty_ is one of my favorites; I love the music so much.”  
Junhwe nods. “Yeah, Hanbinie-hyung and Bobby-hyung told me and helped me pick them out. I’ve never been to a ballet before. Thought it might be nice to go.”  
Jinhwan sets the tickets down and hugs Junhwe tightly, kissing his cheek. He leans back and gives Junhwe a worried look. “Are you okay?”  
Junhwe is quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I—” He runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I just feel like I come second. Sometimes.”  
“Well, you don’t,” Jinhwan says flatly. “I love you more than anything.”

 _I love you more than anything._ It’s what Junhwe has been saying to Jinhwan all day every day for months now. Junhwe sniffles. Maybe he is important to Jinhwan. Maybe Jinhwan doesn’t think Junhwe is the world’s worst boyfriend. Maybe they really will be okay. 

“Aw, c’mon, hyung, don’t say sappy shit.”  
“Oh, but I _am_ a sap,” Jinhwan says, grinning. He jumps on Junhwe and smothers him with kisses.  
Junhwe wriggles out of Jinhwan’s grasp and clambers over the back of the couch to lie on the bed. Jinhwan crawls beside him and stretches out against him.  
“So you have leukemia?” Junhwe asks again. He feels like he’s in a slightly better place mentally to process this now.  
“Yeah. My bone marrow makes too many broken white blood cells so there’s not enough space for healthy cells. Basically, my blood is all messed up.”  
Junhwe frowns thoughtfully. A blood thing. His mind wanders back to all the bruises Jinhwan gets. “So the bruises…”  
“Are the disease, not you, yes.”  
“Which is why you’re always wearing—”  
“Long-sleeved shirts and pants, yes.”  
Junhwe remembers when Jinhwan had fainted and when Jinhwan hadn’t been able to breathe after getting squashed by Junhwe and Hanbin. “And that time Bobby-hyung went nuts on Hanbin—”  
“Is mostly because Bobby is overprotective, but yes, it’s because I can get hurt easy but recover slowly.  
“And you don’t drink alcohol because—”  
“Because my body is already trying to self-destruct and I’m not gonna help it along.” Jinhwan smiles. “Things about me are suddenly starting to make a whole lot more sense, aren’t they?”

Things _are_ starting to make a lot of sense. Things Junhwe had just chalked up to Jinhwan's being weird or anxious, or things that Junhwe could tell Jinhwan had been holding back and had always thought was because Jinhwan hadn’t wanted to trust Junhwe with whatever it had been about—so they’d been a result of his illness. The fainting, the fatigue, and probably even the anxiety are all because of his cancer. And quitting dancing… No wonder Jinhwan had never wanted to talk about it; he’d had to leave behind the most important thing in his life because he’d gotten sick. Why would he have wanted to relive losing it? Junhwe tilts his head. “Is the social worker thing because of cancer too?” Jinhwan nods. Apparently his own social worker had helped Jinhwan, his family, and even Hanbin, who had, it seems, fallen apart at the news, so Jinhwan wants to be able to do what his social worker had done for him for other people. Junhwe looks at Jinhwan, really looks at him, and for the first time, he thinks he truly understands where Jinhwan is coming from. Jinhwan’s life hasn’t been easy. He’s small and sad and anxious, and it’s hard for him to talk about the things that have hurt him because he’s afraid that things will start to go all wrong again. Junhwe gets it. Jinhwan has always understood Junhwe well, and now Junhwe finally feels like he’s starting to really understand Jinhwan too.

“For real, if anything happens, I won’t leave,” he says. “I can’t believe you thought I might.”  
Jinhwan looks uncomfortable. “It’s—I—”  
“Nah, hyung, I get it,” Junhwe says, and he means it. He smiles. “Don’t worry.”

Jinhwan gives him a look of pure love and jumps on him, and Junhwe’s heart soars. They’ll be okay. It’ll be fine.

Later that night Jinhwan mentions that his mother wants him, Junhwe, Bobby, and Hanbin to go to his house for New Year’s. That had been part of what they’d talked about, it seems. “I told her we’d go, but if you don’t want to, we don’t have to.” Well, Junhwe certainly doesn’t want to. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea either. Jinhwan’s sister had been one thing, and maybe Jinhwan’s mother is okay with everything now too, but Jinhwan’s father? Junhwe is honestly a little afraid of the man. The last thing he wants to do is voluntarily put himself in a situation that could be potentially damaging. But he knows how much Jinhwan’s family means to him, and if this will give them the chance to work everything out, which would make Jinhwan happy, then Junhwe thinks they should try. All Junhwe wants is for Jinhwan to be happy. He tells Jinhwan they should go, and Jinhwan seems shocked that he’d gotten on board with minimal fighting. “I know how important your family is to you, and if we have a chance to do something about this, then we should, right?” Junhwe says. When Jinhwan smiles, Junhwe knows he’s said the right thing. If this is what Jinhwan wants, then Junhwe will try. Even if he doesn’t want to do it.

Jinhwan wakes up sicker on New Year’s Eve. Junhwe had almost dared to hope that Jinhwan would be sick enough to call the whole thing off, but he takes tons of medicine and declares he’s okay to go. He’d looked awful in the morning, pale and feverish and unable to stop coughing, but by the time Hanbin and Bobby arrive to take them to Jinhwan’s house, he’d recovered enough to only look tired. But he leans against Junhwe in the car and sleeps the entire way over, and Junhwe frowns at him. Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea. Things don’t get much better once they actually get to Jinhwan’s house either. The conversations are stiff and awkward—no one really knows what to say to anyone else. Jinhwan’s father is curt and his expression is sour the entire time, and Jinhwan’s mother doesn’t have much to say to anyone other than Jinhwan’s sister and her fiancé, so Junhwe spends the entire time fidgeting restlessly and fighting the urge to touch Jinhwan. (He’d never realized how close they always sit or how often they touch each other, and he misses the contact. But he doesn’t dare touch Jinhwan now.) Despite the tension, though, no one is being outright nasty, so Junhwe thinks that has to count for something. 

But at dinner, when Junhwe makes to sit beside Jinhwan, Jinhwan’s father forces Junhwe to sit next to him instead. Bobby tries to sit there, but Jinhwan’s father tells him to switch seats. Bobby looks like he might fight, but Junhwe pats his shoulder. “It’s fine,” he mutters. He’d rather avoid fighting and just sit there. The sooner they get dinner over with, the sooner they can leave. Junhwe thinks if they can get out of this without too much of a fight, maybe things can start to get better. But if he blows it here, he’ll probably mess everything up irreparably. So Bobby moves, and Jinhwan heads for the middle seat to sit beside Junhwe, but his father gives him an ugly look. “You stay where you are.” Junhwe can see in Jinhwan’s face that he’s at his breaking point, but Junhwe doesn’t want Jinhwan to blow up here either. Junhwe knows he’d regret it. He tells Jinhwan that it’s fine, that he should just sit by his mother, and Jinhwan gives him a look of disbelief. But all Junhwe wants is to get through dinner. Jinhwan’s mouth is one thin line, but he nods and drops into his chair. Junhwe licks his lips and tries to tell himself that it’ll be fine. That they’ll be okay.

Unlike when they’d all been trying to have a normal conversation in the living room, the discussion at dinner is all about Junhwe. Jinhwan’s father won’t leave him alone despite Jinhwan’s sister’s valiant attempts to keep the conversation centered on her and her fiancé and her wedding plans. Jinhwan’s father interrogates Junhwe about everything from his parents to his sister to his grades to his plans for the future, and Junhwe does his best to answer. But then out of nowhere he asks if Junhwe has a girlfriend, and Junhwe stares at him, his mouth hanging open in shock. No one else can really seem to believe he’d been so brazen either. Junhwe mouths wordlessly, trying to think of what to say, when he jumps at the sound of a clatter at the other end of the table. Jinhwan had dropped his chopsticks onto his plate and stood up. “I have to use the restroom,” he says in a tight voice, and he storms from the room before anyone can stop him. Jinhwan’s father looks from the doorway to Jinhwan’s vacated chair to Junhwe. “Well?” he asks gruffly. “I… don’t have a girlfriend, sir, no,” Junhwe says. Jinhwan’s father hmphs, and then, apparently satisfied, he finally turns his attention to Jinhwan’s sister and her fiancé. Junhwe feels Bobby squeeze his knee under the table, and he relaxes a little. Well, that certainly could have gone better, but at least no one had started yelling or something. Junhwe chews his food slowly and steals a glance at Jinhwan’s empty place. Yeah, they probably shouldn’t have come after all, but at least it’s almost over now.

Except it’s not over because Jinhwan never comes back from the bathroom. Junhwe had assumed Jinhwan had been sulking in his room (well, at first he’d thought Jinhwan really had been struggling to poop or something), but Hanbin goes to look for him after they all finish dessert and start cleaning up. “He’s not in his room,” Hanbin says. He’s not in the bathroom or any other room in the house either. His coat is still hung up by the door, but Bobby searches around the property just in case. There are spots Jinhwan had frequented to sit and think when he’d been sick, apparently, but he isn’t in any of those places either. Jinhwan’s sister tries calling him, but to everyone’s shock, confusion, and concern, his phone had been left in his coat pocket. “He wouldn’t go anywhere without his phone,” Hanbin says, and Bobby adds that Jinhwan wouldn’t be stupid enough to go anywhere without his coat in the freezing temperature outside. But Junhwe isn’t so sure that Jinhwan had been thinking at all. Eventually everyone comes to the conclusion that Jinhwan had run away, so they split into teams to look for him: Hanbin, Bobby, and Junhwe take Hanbin’s car and head north, Jinhwan’s parents take their car and head south, and his sister’s fiancé takes his car and heads east, and his sister stays home in case he returns.

Hanbin is rolling the car slowly down the road. He and Junhwe had driven around the part of the neighborhood bordering a nearby shopping area (the same one Junhwe had wound up in after the incident, he notices), which Bobby had jogged through to check for Jinhwan, but none of them had found him yet. So now the three of them are in Hanbin’s car, driving toward the big park. It’s been hours now since anyone had last seen Jinhwan. Junhwe is gnawing on his thumbnail, his heart pounding in his chest. Everything is just going so _wrong._ Jinhwan, desperate for his parents’ approval, had wanted today to go well so badly—he’d even been something close to hopeful after getting support from his mother and sister—but of course his father is still being difficult. Junhwe rubs his face. He’d only even agreed to come in the first place because it was supposed to have made Jinhwan’s parents happy, which would in turn have made Jinhwan happy, so Junhwe would have been happy too. But everything had fallen apart and Jinhwan had run off—without his phone or his coat or a word to anyone. So now in the end, no one is happy. Junhwe squints through the darkness, straining his eyes for any sign of Jinhwan.

“What about the park?” he says to the silent car.  
“He’s not there,” Hanbin says shortly.  
Junhwe glances at Hanbin. “We should check.”  
“It’s too big; it’ll take too long.”

Junhwe had been too worried earlier to feel anything other than fear and concern for Jinhwan’s well-being, but his temper starts to rise at Hanbin’s words. Jinhwan hasn’t been in any of the places they’d expected him to be. Why _not_ check the park? Well, if Hanbin is going to be difficult, then Junhwe will just do it on his own. He unbuckles his seatbelt, and Bobby turns around and grabs his knee. _Don’t,_ his eyes are saying. Junhwe slowly takes his hand off the door handle and folds his arms across his chest, his fingers digging into his biceps as he tries to stay in control of his anger. Why doesn’t Hanbin even want to look? Why do Hanbin and Bobby get the last say? Why do they _always_ get the last say? He glares at Hanbin through the rearview mirror. Fuck this. Fuck them.

“No, we should look,” Junhwe says stubbornly.  
“No—”  
“For fuck’s sake, hyung, _I’ll_ fucking look, just let me out of the fucking car—”  
“No, fuck you—”  
“Hanbin,” Bobby interjects, sensing the danger, “me and Junhwe can—”  
“I said _no_ —”  
“Just because you don’t care about him like I do—”

Hanbin slams on the brakes, and Junhwe’s face smacks into the back of Bobby’s seat. Bobby hisses curses, rubbing his neck where his seatbelt had dug into it. Hanbin whips around, jabbing his finger at Junhwe.

“Don’t you fucking _dare!_ ” he shrieks. “Don’t you fucking _dare_ say I don’t care about him! I don’t give a shit that you’re the one he fucks—”

He keeps going, but Junhwe isn’t listening. He’s out of the car, running into the woods. Bobby had been holding Hanbin back, screaming at him to just let Junhwe go. Junhwe grits his teeth. Good riddance. Fuck them both. He slows down as soon as he passes the sign at the park entrance. He looks up at the sky, and little snowflakes flutter down onto his face. They sting. He sighs and then looks back down to take stock of his surroundings. He can still see Hanbin’s car behind him, but all around him are trees, trees, and more trees… and a bridge. With a dark figure huddled under it. Junhwe’s heart stops. He sprints faster than he’s ever run in his entire life. He doesn’t slip somehow, and he drops to his knees beside Jinhwan. He thinks he might have been yelling Jinhwan’s name, but he can’t be sure; his brain isn’t really functioning properly right now. Jinhwan is hunched over, asleep, and his body is ice cold. Junhwe pulls Jinhwan’s head off his arms. His face is completely devoid of any color. Junhwe is shaking him, and he can feel himself crying. What if Jinhwan doesn’t—

But Jinhwan moans weakly. He’s blinking slowly, clearly completely out of it, and Junhwe wants to scream. He cups Jinhwan’s face in his hands and examines it closely. It’s covered in frozen snot and tears, and Junhwe pulls Jinhwan to him. Why is this happening to them? He cradles Jinhwan in his arms for a moment before he comes to his senses, and then he shrugs his coat off and wraps Jinhwan up in it. He then grabs Jinhwan’s hands, which are stiff and freezing and bright red, and he curses. This can’t be good. He pulls his gloves off and tries to stuff Jinhwan’s fingers into them. It’s hard because Jinhwan is so dazed that he isn’t really helping, and his fingers are so cold and rigid that Junhwe is having trouble pulling the gloves on tight. (Jinhwan’s little whimpers of pain aren’t helping the situation either.) Once the gloves are on Jinhwan’s hands and he’s safely tucked away in Junhwe’s coat, Junhwe fishes around in one of the coat pockets for his phone, pulls Jinhwan to his chest, and calls Bobby.

“Are you calm?” Bobby asks before Junhwe can say anything. His voice is harsh. “I calmed Hanbin down, but—”  
“Yeah. Hyung I was right—”  
“Wait, you found him?”  
“Yeah I found him—”  
“In that park?”  
“Yeah, that park. Get here as soon as you—”  
“Where?”  
“The bridge—”  
“The one we saw from the road?”  
“Yeah, that’s the one.”  
“Hanbin, turn around, go back to the—yes, fuck, don’t be such a—thank you. Junhwe?”  
“Yeah.”  
“How is he?”  
“He’s not good, hyung, but I—”  
“You got him in your coat and shit?”  
“Yeah that’s—”  
“Good, look, we’ll be right there, two minutes tops.”

Bobby hangs up without waiting for a response, and Junhwe drops his phone beside him and rubs every part of Jinhwan he can reach. _Please be okay,_ he repeats in his mind. _Please be okay, please be okay._ How could Jinhwan have been so stupid? Junhwe starts to cry again. How could Jinhwan’s family have pushed him so far over the edge that he’d done something this careless? He hears the sound of tires crunching on gravel and looks up at the underside of the bridge. Two car doors open and slam shut, and then Hanbin and Bobby come running down the hill. “Jinhwan!” they’re both yelling. “Jinhwan!” Bobby kneels down on Jinhwan’s other side and pulls him partially out of Junhwe’s arms so that he can see Jinhwan’s face. Bobby looks more scared than Junhwe has ever seen him. He studies Jinhwan’s face carefully and sucks in a breath. Junhwe looks from him to Jinhwan and feels his heart plummet. Bobby must see something Junhwe had missed. Bobby pulls off one of his gloves and sticks his hand down the front of Jinhwan’s shirt. “Take deep breaths.” Jinhwan certainly tries, but his breathing is rattled and his breaths are short. “Something’s off,” Bobby says to Junhwe. Junhwe swallows. “He’s been sick since at least yesterday.” Bobby stands up straight, and both Junhwe and Hanbin look up at him.

“I’m calling an ambulance.”  
“No,” Jinhwan whispers feebly. “No, I’m fine, no hospital…”

But Junhwe agrees with Bobby. Something is very wrong with Jinhwan right now. Bobby steps off to the side, out of earshot, and Hanbin takes Bobby’s place and touches Jinhwan’s arm. He looks at Junhwe, and they hold each other’s gaze for a long moment. Hanbin looks away first. Before either of them can say anything, Bobby returns. He whispers something to Hanbin, who pouts but nods. “Whatever, hyung.” He presses two of his fingers to Jinhwan’s cheek, and then he hurries back to his car. “I told him to get the rest of Jinhwan’s family,” Bobby explains, his voice soft. Junhwe just nods. Jinhwan slumps back against Junhwe’s chest, and Junhwe shakes him gently. He doesn’t want Jinhwan to fall asleep because he’s terrified Jinhwan won’t wake up again. What feels like seconds later, Junhwe hears ambulance sirens growing closer and closer until they’re a deafening scream in his ears. He holds Jinhwan tighter and squeezes his eyes shut as Bobby dashes off to meet the paramedics. Two of them come down the hill with a stretcher and Bobby hovering anxiously behind them. One of them squats beside Junhwe. “Can you stand?” he asks Jinhwan, and his voice is kind.

“Yes,” Jinhwan whines hoarsely. He sounds so irritated and so much like himself that Junhwe almost laughs out loud. “I’m fine, this is so stupid, I don’t need to go to the hospital.”

He pushes Junhwe away, though there’s barely any force behind it, and struggles to his feet. He manages to stand upright and take two shaky steps forward before he sways and then stumbles, off balance, before crumpling to the ground. “Jinhwan!” Junhwe shouts, leaping to his feet. He dives for Jinhwan, but Bobby grabs him, yanking him out of the way. “Let them help him,” Bobby says in a low, firm voice. Junhwe is breathing hard, winded as though he’d just run a marathon. He can’t do this. The paramedics roll Jinhwan onto his back. “Ah, crap,” one of them says under his breath, and Junhwe groans. Jinhwan had split his head open on a rock when he’d fallen, and there’s blood streaming down his face. The paramedics clean him up quickly and get him on the stretcher. “Stay here,” Bobby says to Junhwe. He follows the paramedics as they carry Jinhwan up the hill, and Junhwe stares at the little puddle of blood on the ground. Is he about to lose Jinhwan forever?

Bobby comes back about a minute later. “C’mon,” he says gently. “They’re gonna let us ride with them to the hospital.” Bobby keeps a tight grip on Junhwe’s upper arm and steers him up the hill to the waiting ambulance. There’s a heavy blanket over Jinhwan now, and one of the paramedics is redressing Jinhwan’s head wound. He talks to Bobby while they speed toward the hospital—questions about Jinhwan’s history and what had led to his ending up in this condition. Junhwe is grateful that Bobby is here, that there’s someone still composed enough to be helpful, because he can’t collect his thoughts long enough to say anything at all. Jinhwan comes to on the way, but he isn’t really conscious. His eyes rove around the ambulance without seeing anything, and he gibbers incoherently while the paramedic tries to soothe him. He’s doing other things to Jinhwan now, probably checking his vitals or something, and Junhwe watches him silently. He’s glad he’s here, but he still wishes he didn’t have to see this. Bobby never releases his firm hold on Junhwe’s arm, even after they get to the emergency room and take Jinhwan inside, and Junhwe is grateful for it. He thinks he might have lost his connection to the earth and drifted away without it.

They still haven’t heard anything about Jinhwan’s status when Jinhwan’s family and Hanbin show up, so they all stay in the lobby and wait. It feels like time has stopped. Finally a doctor comes out to explain everything to them: The cut on Jinhwan’s head is small but had needed stiches, though they don’t think he’d been concussed; he’s mildly hypothermic, but his body temperature should be back to normal in a few hours; but the biggest issue is that he has a very severe case of pneumonia that had been made worse by his prolonged exposure to the cold. Jinhwan’s mother starts to cry, so his sister and Bobby talk to the doctor privately. Junhwe watches them listlessly. He doesn’t know what to make of the doctor’s information, but Jinhwan’s family’s reaction is enough to make him feel like he’s losing Jinhwan. Like everything is slipping through his fingers and he’s powerless to stop it. Jinhwan’s sister comes back and explains that they’ll move Jinhwan to his regular hospital in the morning once his body temperature is back up so the Doc can check him out. Whoever that is. “Bobby and Hanbin will stay here for now. Mom, Dad, let’s go see him, and then I’ll take you home. Bobby will call me when he gets moved.” Junhwe looks from Jinhwan’s sister to Bobby, confused. He hadn’t heard his name at all. He tries to stand when Jinhwan’s sister leads her parents out of the lobby after the doctor, but Bobby stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

Bobby waits until Jinhwan’s family is out of sight before he pulls Junhwe to his feet and guides him to the hospital cafeteria. It isn’t open now, but there are instant coffee machines. Bobby makes three cups, buys some snacks from one of the vending machines, and gets them all seated around a little table. “I want to see him,” Junhwe says. His voice sounds far away. Bobby nods. “I know.” He tells Junhwe to eat, but Junhwe has no appetite. In fact, he doesn’t feel much of anything right now. He can’t believe this. This can’t be happening. But eventually he nibbles on the chips Bobby had bought and sips the coffee just so he has something to do. When he’s finished the chips and coffee, Bobby takes him and Hanbin upstairs to Jinhwan. Junhwe is almost afraid to see him, and he squeezes his eyes shut just as Bobby pulls back the curtain around Jinhwan’s bed. Hanbin nudges him. “Junhwe, come on. We don’t have a lot of time.” Junhwe feels Bobby hold onto his arm again, and he swallows hard and opens his eyes.

Jinhwan is asleep. Junhwe notices some color returning to Jinhwan’s cheeks, but that’s about where the good things stop. His head is wrapped up, there’s an oxygen mask on his face, and there are tubes and wires on his chest and arms hooked up to machines Junhwe doesn’t understand. It’s only the sight of Jinhwan’s breath fogging up his mask that assures Junhwe that Jinhwan is even still alive. He brushes his fingers across Jinhwan’s cheek, and then he turns away. He can’t do this. He can’t see Jinhwan like this. “C’mere,” Hanbin says softly. He holds his arms out, and Junhwe goes to him, lets himself be embraced, and he cries. Nothing that had happened before today feels real. Christmas morning last week when Jinhwan had squished himself into Junhwe’s tiny bed and given Junhwe a book of poetry with a shy smile and eyes full of love seems like a lifetime ago. The first time they’d gone on a real date last year when Jinhwan had convinced Junhwe to buy an ice cream for them to share and then eaten all of it himself feels like it had never happened. Seeing Jinhwan dance for the first time from the stage on Pride Performance Night must have been a dream. Junhwe holds tighter to Hanbin, and Bobby pats his back. “We have to go now,” he says gently. He picks up Junhwe’s coat and gloves from the side table, and Hanbin tugs Junhwe away from Jinhwan’s bed. Junhwe gazes over his shoulder to look at Jinhwan one last time before Bobby pulls the curtain closed again. He feels hopeless and powerless and so lost that all he can do is let himself be led back downstairs to the lobby. He leans against Hanbin and cries, and Bobby rubs his back. 

“I know,” Bobby murmurs. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Interestingly(?), I wrote a section of this chapter back in February 2018 lol.


	5. Lush Valley Verdure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"In the green of the valleys, I found you. In the chaos of this world, I found you."_  
>  \- Avijeet Das, "I Found You"

The next few days feel like an eternity to Junhwe. He, Bobby, and Hanbin stay overnight at the hospital, though none of them sleep or talk much. They follow the patient transport van with Jinhwan to his regular hospital the following morning. “His oncologist and GP are there,” Bobby explains in the car. “They’re still responsible for his care.” None of that really matters to Junhwe, though. He’s moving on autopilot, too numb to feel much of anything. Jinhwan gets a room, and he wakes up when the nurses start hooking him back up to machines, but he’s still delirious. “Bobby, you have to tell Junhwe—Bobby, tell him, Bobby, you have to tell him I’m—Bobby, are you listening? Junhwe thinks I’m sad about—Bobby, you have to tell him…” Bobby whispers soothingly that he’ll tell Junhwe for sure, hyung, so you just rest, just lie back and rest. (Junhwe doesn’t even know what to make of that conversation.) Jinhwan falls asleep minutes later, and Hanbin, Bobby, and Junhwe just sit with him until his family arrives. Jinhwan’s father almost pops a blood vessel when he sees Junhwe, snarling that Junhwe needs to leave, but Junhwe is too tired and too dazed to fight with him. Hanbin and Bobby are going to go home now anyway, so they take Junhwe with them downstairs to the lobby, but Junhwe stops just short of the door.

“I’m not leaving,” he says.  
Hanbin bites his lip. “You can’t… Junhwe, you can’t go back up there. His dad’ll lose it.”  
“Then I’ll stay down here, whatever, I don’t care, but I can’t just leave him.”  
Bobby squeezes Junhwe’s shoulder. “Junhwe, man, I get it, trust me, but you have to come back with us. Take a shower, eat something, get some sleep. You’re no good to him like this.”  
“No,” Junhwe says stubbornly. “I’m not leaving him. I won’t leave him.”  
Hanbin and Bobby share a look, and then Bobby sighs. “All right, man. All right. His sister’s gonna text me updates while me and Hanbin aren’t here, so I’ll let you know if he’s doing better or worse.”  
Junhwe nods. “Thanks, hyung.”  
“Don’t beat yourself up,” Hanbin says quietly. “There’s nothing you can do, but you can’t beat yourself about it.”

Junhwe doesn’t respond, and he can’t bring himself to meet Hanbin’s eyes. He knows that Hanbin is warning him against feeling guilty for his own uselessness, but Junhwe can’t help it; he can’t help but hate himself for being unable to prevent what had happened and for being incapable of doing anything now. Unconsciously he balls his hands into fists, and when he looks up again, Hanbin and Bobby are gone.

Junhwe calls Donghyuk that afternoon and tells him everything that had happened, and then he does the same with Yunhyeong. They deserve to hear it from him. He texts back and forth with Hanbin and Bobby every so often about Jinhwan’s status or sits with one of them for a while when they come back to stay with Jinhwan. But other than that, all Junhwe has are his thoughts, and his thoughts are consumed by Jinhwan. He tries not to torture himself with the image of Jinhwan lying in the hospital bed or huddled under the bridge or out cold with blood streaming down his face, and instead he tries to imagine Jinhwan at his happiest moments. Junhwe drifts back through the river of his memories, from Christmas morning to the beach date last summer to Jinhwan’s surprise party, all the way back to the night when he’d first laid eyes on Jinhwan and watched him dance. It’s calming, somehow. The more Junhwe thinks about Jinhwan, the more he can just about feel Jinhwan’s soft, warm body tucked against his, can just about smell the sweet scent of jasmine…

“Junhwe, wake up.”

Junhwe shoots awake with a startled grunt. Hanbin is shaking him gently. “Hey, he’s up, and he’s asking for you.” Junhwe wipes the drool from the side of his mouth with one hand and rubs at his eyes with the other. Jinhwan is awake? _Really_ awake this time? Well then Junhwe has to go to him. He doesn’t care what Jinhwan’s father says; he’s going to be there for Jinhwan now. He follows Hanbin down the hall, determined. No one is going to keep him from Jinhwan. But Junhwe’s determination only gives him enough courage not to flee the room when Jinhwan’s father starts yelling at him to get out. Hanbin and Bobby shield him protectively, and Jinhwan’s sister is trying to get her father to calm down, and Jinhwan’s mother has her head in her hands and is trying not to cry. Out of the corner of his eye, Junhwe can see Jinhwan’s expression change from placid to furious, and Junhwe presses his knuckles to his temples and shuts his eyes. Who was he kidding? He can’t do this. But his eyes fly open again to stare in disbelief and horror at Jinhwan because Jinhwan is shrieking now, flailing, scratching at all the tubes and wires on his body. “You let me see him!” he screeches. “You let me see him!” There are nurses flooding the room now, and they push Jinhwan’s mother out of the way to hold Jinhwan down, and Junhwe grabs Bobby’s wrist. He needs to hold onto something solid. 

But then a tall, slender woman strides into the room. She has a severe look on her face, and she grabs Jinhwan’s shoulder. “Kim Jinhwan, you will stop this right now!” And Jinhwan does stop. Now that he isn’t thrashing about anymore, the nurses fuss with the equipment, and then one of them argues with the tall woman about what to do with Jinhwan. “That’s Jangmi-noona,” Bobby whispers. “She’s his social worker.” Junhwe studies her. So she’s the one who had helped him so much. She’s having a quiet conversation with Jinhwan now, but after a moment she looks up and examines everyone in the room critically. When her eyes finally settle on Junhwe, he falters under her penetrating gaze. “Are you Goo Junhwe?” she asks. “Yeah,” he mutters, and to his surprise, she shoots him a toothy grin. Then she glances at Jinhwan’s sister and says she doesn’t understand what the problem is. Jinhwan’s father snaps that Junhwe is the problem, but Jangmi—again to Junhwe’s great surprise—comes to Junhwe’s defense. “I think that by denying his boyfriend visitation, you’re making the situation worse than it needs to be.” Jinhwan’s father growls immediately that Jinhwan doesn’t have a boyfriend, and Jangmi leans back in her chair and folds her arms across her chest, her expression thoughtful. “Ah,” she says. “Ah.” Junhwe feels sick to his stomach.

At that moment another woman who looks remarkably like Jangmi walks into the room. She’s wearing a lab coat and carrying a clipboard, and she ignores all of them. “The Doc,” Hanbin says simply. “Jangmi-noona’s twin sister,” Bobby adds. “Lee Sungmi.” Sungmi listens to Jinhwan’s breathing through her stethoscope and frowns at her clipboard when she’s done. Jangmi and Jinhwan are both watching her, and then Jangmi clears her throat. “Slow on the uptake, sis, as usual.” Sungmi gives Jangmi a blank look, and Jangmi waves a hand. “We’re having a bit of a thing.” Jinhwan’s father tells Sungmi this time that he wants Junhwe out of the room, but she and Jangmi both try to explain to him that he needs to try to accept Jinhwan’s relationship. Junhwe doesn’t really know what to make of their support, but he appreciates it, even dares to feel hopeful—at least until Jinhwan’s father stuns everyone by declaring that he wouldn’t pay for treatment anymore if no one made Junhwe leave. Junhwe can scarcely believe that Jinhwan’s own father would do something like that to him. Is he really that hateful? That spiteful? That proud? Hanbin and Bobby say they’d find a way to pay, and Junhwe almost starts to cry. He knows they would try, and he would help too, and so would Donghyuk and Yunhyeong and all of their other friends. They’d do something. They’d all find a way to do something, somehow.

Junhwe swallows and looks up from his shoes to consider Jinhwan’s father. He seems to be struggling with himself, like he can’t quite believe that he’d just said what he’d said either. Like he can’t quite believe that he’d let his own prejudices get in the way of Jinhwan’s actual well-being. After a heavy moment that seems to stretch on for hours, Jinhwan’s father whirls from the room. Hanbin and Bobby step aside so that they’re not hiding Junhwe anymore, and Jinhwan’s sister goes to sit next to her mother again. Jangmi tells Jinhwan sternly that they’re going to talk later, and then she and Sungmi leave. Both of them smile at Junhwe on their way out, but Junhwe can’t bring himself to smile back. He’s still trying to process what had just occurred. Once they’ve closed the door, Jinhwan calls for Junhwe, and for the first time in what feels like forever, Junhwe can look Jinhwan in the eye again. “Hey,” Jinhwan whispers, and he smiles weakly. He looks awful. His face is pallid but flushed with fever, and his eyes are heavy. His breathing is labored, and he seems exhausted. Junhwe doesn’t want to touch him out of fear he might shatter into a million irretrievable pieces.

“I’m okay. You can, y’know, hold my hand or something,” Jinhwan says with enough sarcasm to almost make Junhwe feel like Jinhwan really is okay. But Junhwe doesn’t make a move to take Jinhwan’s hand, so Jinhwan reaches out himself. Junhwe holds Jinhwan’s hand in both of his, and it’s warm.  
“I thought you were gonna die,” Junhwe says quietly after a moment.  
“Oh, Junhwe…”

They look at each other, and Junhwe looks away first. Jinhwan is awake for real this time, lucid and alert, but Junhwe is still so scared that he’ll disappear again. He can’t bear to see Jinhwan like this. He looks back at Jinhwan when Jinhwan asks what had happened, and then his eyes flick around the room at everyone else. He isn’t sure that he should be the one to tell Jinhwan everything that had gone on, but no one stops him. Jinhwan’s sister even encourages him, giving him a little nod. So Junhwe recounts everything from the moment Jinhwan had gotten up from the table on New Year’s Eve until he’d opened his eyes a little while ago. Jinhwan groans at the mention of pneumonia, mumbling that he’d had no idea he’d been that sick. He says he probably has to stay at the hospital a few more days. Junhwe had expected as much, but it still hurts. He just doesn’t want Jinhwan to suffer like this anymore. His sadness must be showing on his face because Jinhwan tells him not to worry so much, the worst of it is over, so Junhwe should go home and take a shower and get some rest. And Junhwe will this time, he thinks. He’s still so worried he’s sick with it, but now that Jinhwan seems to be back from the delirium of the past few days, Junhwe thinks he can probably bear a couple hours away from the hospital.

A nurse comes in then, saying sternly that Jinhwan needs medicine and rest, and Junhwe knows his time is up for today. He replaces Jinhwan’s hand gently onto the bed and then leans over to kiss Jinhwan’s cheek. Then he stands and steps back so that the nurse has room to work. He’ll at least wait until Jinhwan falls asleep. Hanbin and Bobby descend on him then; Hanbin wraps his arms around Junhwe’s neck, his head resting on Junhwe’s shoulder, and Bobby is leaning over Junhwe’s other shoulder, one hand closing firmly around Junhwe’s wrist. “You come home with us and stay with us for a bit,” he whispers into Junhwe’s ear. “Better that you’re not alone.” Junhwe nods vacantly. Maybe that’s a good idea. Jinhwan falls asleep within seconds of being given some medicine, and the nurse tells everyone else it will be a while before he wakes up again. They all thank her, and she leaves. Jinhwan’s sister says she and her mother will stay with him for a while, but she walks them to the lobby. “You know my mom and I would never let my dad do something like that,” she says suddenly to them at the door. Junhwe gives her a measured look. Yeah, he thinks. They probably wouldn’t. But it had still been threatened.

“We know,” Bobby says after a beat. She gives him a tired smile, and then she goes.

Hanbin and Bobby take Junhwe to his apartment first to get a change of clothes. They’re forcing him to stay with them at least for this first night. Bobby also asks Junhwe to get clothes and personal items for Jinhwan. “We’ll bring them to him tomorrow.” So Junhwe throws his own things into his backpack and shuffles around his apartment looking for clothes for Jinhwan. What should he even bring? He picks up some shirts and drops them onto his bed, and he stares at them for so long that Bobby asks him gently where Jinhwan keeps his things. He ends up packing a bag for Jinhwan himself, but Junhwe is still too numb to feel sorry for being so useless. When he goes to the bathroom to get his toothbrush, he spots his favorite old sweatshirt folded up on the counter. Although it’s one of Junhwe’s favorites, Jinhwan has pretty much laid claim to it; he wears it even more than Junhwe. Jinhwan must have left it there, probably after unpacking from when they’d stayed with Junhwe’s family. Junhwe runs a finger over the soft fabric, and then he grabs it and bursts back into the living room. “This too,” he says to Bobby, and Bobby smiles. “Of course.”

The first thing Hanbin and Bobby make Junhwe do when they get to their apartment is shower. He’d spent the past few days in the hospital, so he isn’t particularly fresh. The steaming water feels good against his skin, and he stays in the shower a long time. The water washes away the fear and sadness and worry and all the other grime Junhwe has been carrying around for days, and when he gets out, he feels smooth and clean. Jinhwan is still really sick, but he’s awake again, and he’ll recover, and that’s all that matters. Junhwe hadn’t lost him. And now that Jinhwan’s father seems to have left the picture, Junhwe can go visit Jinhwan whenever he wants without being afraid of causing a riot. When he goes back out into the living room, he smells pizza; Bobby had ordered them a feast. Junhwe eats his fill and then slouches on the couch, hazy but content. Bobby slaps Junhwe’s thigh.

“You can go throw your stuff in Hanbin’s room. Unless—” Bobby pauses and tilts his head, uncertain. “Unless you wanna stay with me?”  
Junhwe blinks, jerked out of the stupor he’d been in. “What?”  
“Hanbin’s been crashing with me, but I guess you can—if you want, that is.”  
“I don’t want to share a bed with you,” Junhwe says, wrinkling his nose.  
Bobby shrugs. “Your call.”  
“Why wouldn’t I just sleep on the couch?”  
“Because my bed’s more comfortable than the couch,” Hanbin sniffs with a roll of his eyes. “I don’t wanna be alone right now. I get—let’s just say it gets difficult for me to sleep when Jinanie-hyung gets really sick.”

Junhwe looks between them. Jinhwan had mentioned that Hanbin had fallen apart when Jinhwan had first been diagnosed, and Junhwe supposes he’s probably never really gotten over it. He must have leaned on Bobby then and still leans on him now. It isn’t until later, when Junhwe sinks onto Hanbin’s bed to go to sleep, that he realizes that that might have been Hanbin and Bobby welcoming him into their circle. Junhwe has spent so long wishing desperately to be part of what they have with Jinhwan that it’s a wonder he’d missed an opening into their little bubble. He sighs into Hanbin’s pillow. No, he’s being silly. It isn’t a missed opportunity; the fact that they’d demanded that he stay with them is proof enough that they’ve all crossed some sort of bridge in their relationship. Although Junhwe doesn’t think he’ll ever really share in what Hanbin, Jinhwan, and Bobby have, he feels more on the same wavelength now. Like they all sort of understand each other. Junhwe falls asleep with a smile. Maybe things will be okay.

Junhwe stays with Jinhwan at the hospital every day. Hanbin, Bobby, and Jinhwan’s mother and sister are over nearly as often, and even Donghyuk, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo visit too. It’s good for Jinhwan, being surrounded by people who love him, and slowly but surely, he starts getting better. By the time he’s recovered enough for the doctors to give him a discharge date (which is tomorrow now, and just the thought makes Junhwe giddy), everyone except Junhwe stops coming as much. Hanbin had been missing a lot of work and simply can’t afford it anymore; Bobby had been neglecting his senior project but is in the final stretch and needs to focus; and Jinhwan’s sister had gone back to her home a few hours south to be with her fiancé. Jinhwan’s mother still comes every morning, but it’s difficult for her to stay all day, so lately it’s just been Junhwe most of the time. It’s fine when Jinhwan is awake, but he sleeps a lot, so Junhwe is often bored. And of course now, when Junhwe is alone and Jinhwan is asleep, is when Jinhwan’s father decides to show up for the first time since he’d stormed off the day Jinhwan had woken up.

He greets Junhwe when he comes in, but Junhwe just watches him, trying to quell the fear and anger rising in his heart. Why is he here? What terrible thing could he possibly have to say now that he hasn’t already said? He drags a chair from the corner next to Junhwe, and Junhwe sits up straight. “Good afternoon, sir,” he mutters. He can’t let himself get worked up. He’s finally getting along with the rest of Jinhwan’s family, and things are just starting to get better. Junhwe isn’t going to be the one to ruin that. He sets his computer aside and looks Jinhwan’s father in the eye. He isn’t going to let this man hurt Jinhwan anymore if he can help it, so he certainly isn’t going to be responsible for a fight because all that would do is upset Jinhwan. Junhwe won’t do that to him. He grits his teeth. They’ve both gone through enough.

But to Junhwe’s astonishment, Jinhwan’s father sighs and apologizes for how he’s behaved. Junhwe doesn’t know what to say. He’s stunned that the man would apologize at all because he’d come across as bull-headed and proud, but Junhwe is also a little annoyed. Does Jinhwan’s father think a simple sorry will fix everything? When Junhwe doesn’t offer a response, Jinhwan’s father shakes his head. “I didn’t understand,” he says. “I didn’t want to.” Right. Just like Junhwe had always assumed. Jinhwan’s father goes on to say something absurd about wanting Jinhwan to have a normal life, and Junhwe unsticks his throat long enough to say that you don’t have to be straight to have that. God, what had Jinhwan’s father understood if he’s still spouting nonsense like this? But then his eyes fill with tears. “You’re right,” he says, and Junhwe is even more shocked by that than he had been when Jinhwan's father had apologized. But the tears make Junhwe nervous; he isn’t equipped to deal with this right now. His eyes dart to the door, and he swallows. He wishes Bobby or Jinhwan’s sister were here or that Jinhwan were awake. “There are still a lot of things that are hard for me,” Jinhwan’s father says. “I had a lot of expectations about what my son’s life would be like.” Junhwe stares at him. “I know I don’t deserve it, but I am asking you to forgive me.” Junhwe’s jaw drops. Forgiveness? Fuck no. He closes his mouth and frowns. Unless… That’s what Jinhwan would want, right?

“No.”

Junhwe jumps in surprise. Jinhwan is sitting up, his jaw set, his eyes hard. “Jinanie-hyung—” Junhwe starts to say, furrowing his brow. He doesn’t know how much of the conversation Jinhwan had heard, but he does know that, deep down, Jinhwan wants to fix things. Is he doing something now that he’s going to regret later? But Jinhwan just says no again, and the resolve on his face is so clear that Junhwe drops it. Maybe Jinhwan isn’t in a place where he can forgive his father just yet, and Junhwe doesn’t really fault him for that. The man had said and done some pretty unforgivable things. Jinhwan glares at his father. “You’re right,” he says. “You don’t deserve our forgiveness, and I don’t forgive you. But…” He trails off with a sigh and locks eyes with Junhwe. An understanding passes between them, and Junhwe gives him a small, encouraging smile. Jinhwan won’t forgive his father, not now, not yet, maybe not ever, but for his own reasons, he won’t write the man off completely. Maybe it’s for his mother’s sake. Jinhwan looks down at his hands and licks his lips. “I’m willing to give you another chance. But it’s your last chance.” He looks back up, and Junhwe looks between Jinhwan and his father. Jinhwan has never been more serious about anything. The man thanks them, and after several long, awkward moments of silence, he mutters something about a meeting and leaves. Jinhwan stares at the door for a while and then faces Junhwe.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a tired voice.  
“About what?”  
“I guess about—I don’t know.”  
Junhwe picks at his fingers. “To be completely honest, hyung, I’m not totally convinced he’s changed.”  
“Me either,” Jinhwan says after a beat. He bites his lip. “But if he’s finally ready to try, then I…” He sighs and shakes his head. “It’s not for him; it’s for me. For myself. I want to know that I at least did everything I could before I cut him out of my life for good.”  
“Fair enough,” Junhwe says with a shrug.  
“And I have to think about my mom.”  
“Hey,” Junhwe says gently, reaching out to take Jinhwan’s hand. He doesn’t want Jinhwan to feel like he needs to justify himself. “Just like New Year’s, if this is what you want, then I’m willing to try.”  
Jinhwan sniffles and climbs out of the bed and into Junhwe’s lap. He rests his head against Junhwe’s shoulder and twists his fingers into Junhwe’s shirt. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me,” he mumbles.  
“I’m the best thing to happen to anyone,” Junhwe crows. Jinhwan snorts as he nuzzles into Junhwe’s neck, and Junhwe smiles. Yeah. They’ll be okay.

The Wednesday after Jinhwan is discharged, the two of them go to see Jangmi. She had ordered Jinhwan to come see her in person and tell her about everything that had happened, and Jinhwan had requested that Junhwe come with him. “She’s no-nonsense but really nice,” Jinhwan had said. “I think you’ll like her.” Junhwe does indeed end up liking her—she’s quick and sarcastic but also thoughtful and kind; Junhwe can easily see how Jinhwan had managed to bond so strongly with her. Jinhwan tells her everything (with some help from Junhwe, particularly about the Mirae issue), and she spends most of the time taking notes. She asks both of them what they think of giving Jinhwan’s father a second chance, and Jinhwan flat-out states he isn’t sure if it’s the right thing to do or if it’s what he really wants. “I’m also still pretty angry.” Junhwe is a little surprised by how open and frank such a private person like Jinhwan is with her, but then again, she _is_ his therapist. But even for Junhwe it’s nice talking to someone who doesn’t have a personal stake in the whole drama, and when Jangmi sends them off with cookies and an invitation for Junhwe to come back anytime, he really feels like he might.

He does indeed go back to a session with Jangmi two weeks later, but it feels different than the first time. Jinhwan had left asking Junhwe to the last minute, springing it on him the night before. “Jangmi wants you to come tomorrow.” His tone had been brusque, and Junhwe had been a bit thrown off by it. Jinhwan had been just as welcoming as Jangmi the last time, so Junhwe doesn’t really know what to make of his standoffishness now. The actual session feels as strange as Jinhwan’s invitation. The initial visit had been more conversational and relaxed; after Jangmi had learned what had happened and heard what each of them had had to say about Jinhwan’s father, she’d chatted cordially with them about their lives, much like a friend. But this time Jinhwan is uncomfortably quiet, and Jangmi seems stern. She has Junhwe sit on one side of the couch, out of Jinhwan’s space, and Junhwe looks between them, confused. Jangmi drops into her chair, pulls out her notebook, and clears her throat. “So Jinhwan told me you learned about his illness accidentally. Is that correct?” she asks, consulting her notebook. Junhwe shrugs. He says she could say that, and she frowns. “So he didn’t tell you when he invited you to his house, before his parents walked in on you?” Junhwe shakes his head, and Jangmi gives a small, disappointed sigh. Junhwe tilts his head and glances at Jinhwan. He’s leaning against the armrest of the couch, staring doggedly at a point somewhere over Jangmi’s shoulder. He’s avoiding her, looking petulant, and Junhwe wonders what Jinhwan and Jangmi had butted heads about. Something about the timing of when Junhwe had been told about the leukemia, he guesses.

“I suppose you wouldn’t know this,” Jangmi says, “but Jinhwan said he would tell you that day. But he obviously never did, and he admitted he probably never would have if you hadn’t overheard his conversation with his mother.”  
Junhwe blinks. “Oh.” He doesn’t have anything better to say.  
“Jinhwan,” Jangmi says in a gentle but firm voice. “Can you tell us why you didn’t want to tell Junhwe about it?”  
Jinhwan is quiet for so long that Junhwe starts to fidget. “I was afraid he’d leave me,” Jinhwan mutters finally.  
This again? Junhwe had thought they’d settled this. “Hyung, c’mon, you know I—” Junhwe starts to say, but Jangmi silences him with a look.  
“What did he do to make you feel that way?” she asks Jinhwan.

Junhwe is slightly offended. He doesn’t think he’s ever done anything to make Jinhwan assume he might leave. In fact, Junhwe feels like he’s done nothing but give Jinhwan reasons to believe he won’t do anything but stay. But at another look from Jangmi, he keeps his mouth shut. _This isn’t about you,_ she’s telling him, so he can’t interrupt and derail whatever it is she’s trying to accomplish. He turns his attention back to Jinhwan, who is fiddling anxiously with the sleeve of his jacket and chewing his lip. “Everyone always leaves me.” Junhwe can feel his heart breaking. Jinhwan had said something to that effect when the truth had first come out—that he’d never said anything to Junhwe because he’d been afraid of scaring Junhwe off. So something like that had happened to Jinhwan before. Jinhwan is crying now, and he curses, trying to quickly wipe his tears away. Junhwe reaches for him, but Jangmi shakes her head. Junhwe gives her a pleading look; he doesn’t want to see Jinhwan like this. But he lets his arm drop lifelessly into his lap. “First it was Dowonie-hyung and then Jung—Jung—Jung—” Jinhwan chokes on his words, and it’s like something breaks inside him. He spins in his spot to face Junhwe, and he’s distraught, completely beside himself, and Junhwe doesn’t recognize him. His Jinhwan is somewhere else, lost in the depths of the hysteria Jinhwan had worked himself into.

“Oh Junhwe, please don’t leave me, please don’t go—” Jinhwan wails as he flings his arms around Junhwe’s neck.

Junhwe looks at Jangmi in a panic, unsure of what to do, but she nods at him, so he wraps his arms around Jinhwan and holds him tight. “I’m here, hyung, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere…” Junhwe whispers in what he hopes is a calming voice, but Jinhwan is inconsolable. His grip on the back of Junhwe’s shirt is so strong that he’s pulling it up, and his face is buried in Junhwe’s neck, and Junhwe fights the urge to start crying himself. He depends on Jinhwan for a lot—Jinhwan keeps him grounded, takes care of him, and supports him when needed but scolds him when necessary. Really, he lets Junhwe just be himself. But ever since the incident and especially since Jinhwan had gotten so sick, Junhwe has been doing his best to try to be all of those things for Jinhwan too. He’d thought for a long time that he’d failed over and over to be someone Jinhwan can rely on, to be the sort of person Jinhwan deserves, but he is finally, _finally_ starting to realize that sometimes Jinhwan is just sad. He’s sad, and he can’t help it, and it can’t always just go away, and it’s no one’s fault. Junhwe isn’t doing anything wrong; he just can’t always expect to be able to kiss the pain away.

When Jinhwan’s violent sobs dwindle to shuddering, gasping breaths, Jangmi comes and squats beside them. She pats Jinhwan’s shoulder and sighs. “You still haven’t answered my question.” Jinhwan turns his head to face her. “What has Junhwe done to make you feel like he’s going to leave you?” Jinhwan slowly relaxes his grip on Junhwe’s shirt. “N-n-nothing,” he chokes out, and Jangmi smiles, apparently satisfied. She pats Jinhwan’s shoulder again. “Come on,” she says, “let’s go clean up.” Jinhwan peels himself off of Junhwe and rubs his eyes, and then he and Jangmi walk across the room to the sink. They’re having a hushed conversation—well, it looks like Jangmi is doing most of the talking and Jinhwan is just nodding. They come back, and Jinhwan apologizes for not telling Junhwe about his cancer sooner. Junhwe tells him not to worry about it. There are a lot of things Junhwe isn’t sure about, but this he gets. Jinhwan gives Junhwe a watery smile. “Thank you for understanding me,” he says quietly, and Junhwe pulls him into a hug. “Nah, hyung, thank _you_ for always understanding _me,_ ” Junhwe says, and Jinhwan laughs weakly.

From there, things really do start to look up. Junhwe gets a job that is willing to be flexible with his school schedule (and has decent enough pay, all things considered), and he and Jinhwan sign a lease on an apartment. Bobby and Yunhyeong graduate (Bobby even wins an award for his senior project), and Jinhwan is healthy enough to go to school when the new semester starts. Jangmi even gets Jinhwan an internship at an outreach center, and he loves it. And in late spring, Jinhwan’s sister gets married, and Junhwe is invited. He’s nervous in the days leading up to their departure down south, but when they get there, everything is pretty much normal—well, as normal as can be expected during the hectic wedding preparation time. Junhwe and Jinhwan share a room at the hotel and no one bats an eye at it, and he’s seated with Jinhwan (and Hanbin and Bobby) at the family table and no one makes any complaints. Jinhwan’s parents are amicable toward him, and the rest of Jinhwan’s family is pleasant and friendly, and the combination of that reaction and all the good cheer of the wedding in general lets Junhwe allow himself to relax and enjoy the moment. 

But the biggest shock comes when the photographer starts taking photos of the bride and groom with family and friends. Junhwe doesn’t feel too awkward taking part in the friend photos, but he stands off to the side with Hanbin and Bobby when it’s time for family only. But then Jinhwan’s father is the one to stop them all and beckon Junhwe over. “Goo Junhwe, get over here.” When Junhwe doesn’t move, Jinhwan’s father whispers something to Jinhwan’s sister, and she calls him over too. “Come on, you’re part of the family.” Junhwe almost bursts into tears. He freezes up, and it’s only Bobby’s pushing him (and cackling) that gets his brain and body working again. For Jinhwan’s father and sister to say that, after everything… They really have all turned a page to a new chapter. Junhwe stands behind Jinhwan, and Jinhwan beams up at him. The weight of what his father had done isn’t lost on him either. Junhwe doesn’t think he’ll ever fully trust or warm up to Jinhwan’s father, but if they can at least maintain this level of acceptance, then Junhwe is fine with that. It’s enough—more than enough considering the path they’d taken to get to this point in the first place. 

When the summer comes, right after Jinhwan and Junhwe have moved into their new apartment, Jinhwan is pronounced cancer-free. Bobby, Junhwe, and Jinhwan’s parents are with him when he gets the news, and Jinhwan throws himself into Junhwe’s arms and cries tears of joy. He meets alone with Sungmi and Jangmi afterward, and then he has a quick session with Jangmi on his own too. He asks Bobby and Junhwe to wait for him while he talks to Jangmi, so they go downstairs to the waiting area. They sit in silence at first, but it actually isn’t awkward. After a while Bobby nudges Junhwe and asks him how he feels, and Junhwe says he’s happy. Bobby grins. “I bet you’re even happier,” Junhwe says. “You’ve been dealing with this for, what? Six, seven years?” Bobby’s smile falters a bit, and he looks thoughtful. “I dunno that I’d say I’m happier than you,” Bobby says slowly, “but I’m definitely glad some of the… constant uneasiness, I guess? That I’ve been carrying around for all these years is finally gone.” He’d been living with the fear that Jinhwan could suddenly get sick again, he explains, so having some of that pressure lifted makes him feel lighter. “I don’t think that feeling will ever go away completely, but it won’t be as bad now, I think,” Bobby says with a shrug. Junhwe frowns at his hands in his lap. He hadn’t thought of it that way. Bobby elbows him. “He’ll be okay. You guys’ll be fine.” Junhwe smiles, and for the first time, he believes it. He and Jinhwan really will be okay. Things really will be fine.

They push through the rest of the year until Jinhwan graduates, and on graduation day he’s happier than Junhwe has ever seen him. Every few minutes he wants to take pictures, and he doesn’t stop smiling all day. He even allows himself a rare glass of wine at dinner, and he isn’t shy about kissing Junhwe in front of his parents either. (And to Junhwe’s great relief, Jinhwan’s parents don’t say anything about it.) After dinner, everyone goes out to party (it’s Hanbin’s graduation too, so they end up going to some huge thing), and they’re out so late that the next morning they have to catch the first train back to their apartment. But it had been fun, and Junhwe sleeps soundly well into the afternoon. He wakes up and yawns hugely, reaching for his phone, when he feels Jinhwan’s cold fingers poking at his ribcage. He squints over his shoulder. “Hyung?” Jinhwan is grinning from ear to ear, still in the same good humor from yesterday, it seems. He tugs at Junhwe’s shirt so that Junhwe will lie on his back, and then he stretches out against Junhwe, nosing into Junhwe’s chest. “You been up long?” Junhwe asks as he runs his fingers lazily along Jinhwan’s side. “Not really,” Jinhwan murmurs. They lie together for a while, and then Junhwe pats Jinhwan’s arm.

“Hey.”  
“Mm?”  
“You’ve been super happy since yesterday.”  
Jinhwan props himself up on an elbow and looks down at Junhwe with raised eyebrows. “I can’t be happy I graduated?”  
“No, no,” Junhwe says quickly, “it’s just—never mind.”  
Jinhwan tilts his head thoughtfully. “Well, I _am_ really happy. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have this experience.”  
Junhwe feels his face grow hot. He’s an idiot. Jinhwan had been sick in his late teens; his future had been uncertain for a while. Of course he’d be happy about something like this. “Fuck, hyung, I’m sorry, I forgot, I—” But Jinhwan shakes his head.  
“It’s not only about that,” Jinhwan says slowly. “When I was dancing, I was so focused on that, you know, like, I didn’t go to regular school, I didn’t get to experience those normal things, but I wanted to. Back then, I used to dream about what my life might be like if I wasn’t dancing, and then I was still dreaming the same thing but for different reasons, and now…” Jinhwan trails off and smiles at Junhwe. “I was able to graduate university, I have a job that I love, I have you, and it’s all so stupidly normal that it just makes me stupidly happy.”  
Junhwe pinches Jinhwan’s cheek and smirks. “So you think I’m normal?”  
“No, you’re so _not_ normal that you make me _feel_ normal,” Jinhwan shoots back easily, and Junhwe snorts.

Jinhwan is still smiling down at Junhwe, his eyes filled with love and affection. Junhwe hadn’t thought about how unusual and demanding Jinhwan’s childhood had been, so the idea that Jinhwan could have wanted to do something as boring and normal as going to school had never crossed Junhwe’s mind. But he’s glad that Jinhwan had ended up in a situation that suits him despite having had to take a convoluted path to get there, and he’s even happier that that journey had included him. Jinhwan is fiddling with the waistband of Junhwe’s underwear with his free hand, and Junhwe grins. He reverses their positions easily, and Jinhwan yelps in surprise but then laughs. “Someone’s eager,” he teases, but he’s curling his arms around Junhwe’s neck and settling back. “You started it,” Junhwe retorts. He pushes Jinhwan’s hair out of his eyes and lets his fingers run down Jinhwan’s cheek. Jinhwan leans into the touch, and he smiles, his expression open and loving and mellow, and Junhwe drinks the sight of him in. Things had seemed so uncertain only a year ago; Junhwe finds it hard to believe that they’ve made it this far, and they survived, and they’re happy. He kisses Jinhwan tenderly, and he can smell jasmine. “I love you,” he says. “More than anything,” Jinhwan whispers back with a smile.

Although not much can compare to what Jinhwan and Junhwe have already gone through, Junhwe’s last year at university proves to be a challenge for them. Junhwe is in school but Jinhwan is working, so they don’t see each other as often as either of them would like. They also move earlier than they had planned in order to be closer to Jinhwan’s job because the commute had been too hard on him. He had complained about it since he’d been an intern, but neither of them had given much thought to moving because they hadn’t wanted to spend the money, nor had either of them ever imagined Jinhwan would get such a good job offer from the outreach center in the first place. He’d toughed it out for a while, but in the end, they’d decided to move so that Jinhwan wouldn’t be so exhausted all the time and so they’d actually have some time to spend with each other in the evenings. So they scrimp and save and enlist the help of their friends when they move, and then they try to settle into their second apartment in as many years.

And then to top it all off—as if the stress of the move and their mismatched schedules weren’t enough—Junhwe is struggling to find a job. He doesn’t pass the first round for most of the companies he applies to, and even when he does, he never makes it farther than the second round of interviews. It starts really getting to him as winter approaches; he just feels worthless and pathetic. He has decent grades, he’s personable enough, and he’s from a top-tier university, so he doesn’t understand why he isn’t doing better. Most of his friends already have job offers, and Junhwe feels humiliated every time he has to explain that he hasn’t decided on a company yet whenever the topic of jobs comes up (which is pretty much all the time because that’s the only thing nearly everyone he knows ever wants to talk about nowadays). But his embarrassment isn’t the only issue—he needs a real job with a sustainable income so that he and Jinhwan can live comfortably. Junhwe had quit his part-time job to focus on school and his job search, so aside from the small amount of financial support he receives from his parents, the two of them live solely off of Jinhwan’s income. It’s difficult even with Jinhwan’s careful budgeting, and Junhwe wants to be able to relieve some of that pressure.

But Junhwe finally gets a call back from a company in January. It’s a foreign company looking to expand, and Junhwe actually likes them a lot. Truthfully, he’s surprised he’d heard back from them at all because he’d applied months ago and received no response, not even a rejection. But they keep asking him to come in for interview after interview, and finally (on Jinhwan’s birthday, as a matter of fact), they give him an official offer. He and Jinhwan indulge themselves with a rare night out to celebrate both that and Jinhwan’s birthday, and they head toward Junhwe’s graduation and their third anniversary together with renewed spirits. Or at least, they start out in high spirits. A few days after Junhwe, Donghyuk, and Chanwoo graduate, Jinhwan starts behaving strangely. He gets pensive and withdrawn every so often, but his mood isn’t any worse than usual, and he seems sincere when he says everything is fine whenever Junhwe asks him what’s wrong. Junhwe isn’t really sure what to make of it, so he lets it go and chalks it up to the fact that Bobby has been abroad since last December and Jinhwan is still trying to adjust to life without his constant presence.

“You know it’s our third anniversary coming up, right?”

Junhwe almost drops his phone in surprise. He’d been lounging on the couch, messing around mindlessly on his phone with the television playing in the background, when Jinhwan had leaned over the back of the couch to spring this question on him. Junhwe turns around and pokes Jinhwan’s forehead. “You scared the shit outta me, fuck.” Jinhwan furrows his brow and purses his lips, clearly unimpressed that Junhwe is avoiding his question. But of course Junhwe knows their anniversary is coming up; he has it written down in his planner, and it’s on his phone calendar. He’s notoriously bad with dates, so if he doesn’t have reminders at the ready, he’ll just get caught up in his life and forget about them. He can barely keep track of his own birthday, so Jinhwan has never really gotten upset if Junhwe isn’t the first person to remember special events, but their anniversary is different. The New Year has always been marred by what had happened when they’d first gotten together, and Jinhwan has never cared for his birthday much, so they don’t really have many other options for celebrating each other. 

“Of course I know. What do you take me for?”  
“A loser who can’t keep track of dates,” Jinhwan quips without missing a beat. He walks around the couch to sit beside Junhwe, and Junhwe clucks his tongue.  
“You bringing it up just to be mean to me?” Junhwe asks as he slings an arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders. Jinhwan elbows him. “ _Hey,_ ” Junhwe whines, “it was an honest question, jeez.”  
“Sorry, sorry. Anyway, I was just thinking…” Jinhwan pauses and frowns at his hands. “I feel like we should do something special. Three years is a long time.”  
“Yeah, it is,” Junhwe agrees. “What do you think we should do?”  
Jinhwan smiles up at him. “I haven’t thought of anything really good. I just think we should both try to think of something.”  
“Okay,” Junhwe says, and Jinhwan kisses him.  
“Good. By the way, I want you to come into the city with me this weekend. I have to do some shopping.”  
“Sure,” Junhwe says with a yawn. “Whatever you want.”

Jinhwan beams at him and gives him another kiss before disappearing into their bedroom. Junhwe stares at the half open door for a while, frowning contemplatively. He hadn’t realized that they’re approaching three years already. It feels like it’s been forever, and yet it also feels like no time has passed at all. He runs a hand through his hair with a sigh. Something special to commemorate their time together? Junhwe isn’t sure what to do. They don’t have the money right now to justify going somewhere outside Korea for travel, and their anniversary is too close to Junhwe’s start date at work for him to feel comfortable taking a lot of time off for a leisure trip. (Which is a shame, because ever since Jinhwan had seen his sister’s pictures of her honeymoon in Hawaii, he’s been saying he really wants to go there sometime too. But that’s probably better as a five-year anniversary trip anyway, Junhwe thinks.) What else would be special? What does Jinhwan want? Maybe Junhwe will write Jinhwan another song… It’s been three years since the last one; it’s probably about time.

He pays close attention to Jinhwan when they go shopping, just in case Jinhwan drops some sort of hint about what he wants. But Jinhwan isn’t all that helpful. He buys himself new shoes and shirts, and Junhwe buys himself a new pair of dress shoes because his are on the verge of falling apart, and they chat about their jobs. It’s pretty boring and normal, to tell the truth. The most unusual thing to happen is that Jinhwan drags Junhwe to some jewelry stores. Junhwe first assumes that Jinhwan is getting something for his sister. “What are you looking for anyway?” Junhwe asks finally. Jinhwan glances at him. “Earrings for Bobby’s girlfriend.” Junhwe’s eyebrows shoot up. He has questions. Why has Jinhwan been looking at every type of accessory, then, for one thing, and why is Jinhwan buying jewelry for _Bobby’s girlfriend,_ of all people? Seems like a pretty intimate thing to buy for someone Jinhwan is acquaintances with at best. When Junhwe asks why, Jinhwan shrugs. “Bobby asked me to get them. They’re from him, by the way, he just can’t buy the ones he wants from over there, so he asked me to get them and give them to her at her party next week.” Junhwe can only nod. Right. He’d given up trying to make sense of Jinhwan’s relationship with Bobby a long time ago. They go around to a few more stores, but by now Junhwe is hungry and ready to go back home.

“What do you think of this?”

Jinhwan’s voice interrupts Junhwe’s daydreams about dinner. He looks down at what Jinhwan is pointing at to see a silver ring. It isn’t particularly wide, though it isn’t really very dainty either, and it has textured edges and a little dip in the upper shank. It’s unobtrusive but still modern and pretty, and Junhwe rather likes it. “I’d wear it,” Junhwe says honestly. “It’s nice.” Jinhwan nods, tapping his lips with a finger. “It _is_ pretty,” he mutters, more to himself than Junhwe. He studies it for a few more seconds before slipping his hand into Junhwe’s and dragging him over to the earrings. “I have a good feeling this place will have what we’re looking for. Then I promise I’ll treat you to dinner for being such a good sport.” Junhwe perks up a little at the promise of dinner out, and true to his word, Jinhwan takes Junhwe to the restaurant of his choosing (after finally purchasing the damn earrings for Bobby’s girlfriend).

The next few weeks pass pretty normally, and then suddenly it’s their third anniversary. Junhwe had scrapped writing a song because he has neither the time nor the inspiration, so instead he’d learned a Hawaiian song on the ukulele (which Jinhwan had bought him for his birthday last year). He leaves work a little early to get home in time to set everything up. He cooks a stuffed chicken dish because it’s the fanciest thing he knows how to make that Jinhwan likes, and while it’s in the oven, he lights some candles and puts a hula girl dashboard doll in the center of the table. He also changes into a Hawaiian shirt, and he’s just taken out the wine glasses when Jinhwan gets home. “Something smells good,” Jinhwan calls from the foyer. Junhwe pokes his head out of the kitchen, and then he strolls out with a grin. Jinhwan bursts out laughing when he notices Junhwe’s outfit. “Junhwe, what—” But he stops mid-sentence when Junhwe throws a lei around his neck and kisses him. “There’s a shirt for you on the bed,” Junhwe says as he pushes Jinhwan toward their bedroom. Jinhwan snorts and raises his eyebrows, but he goes to their room anyway. He comes back out in the shirt and some sweatpants, and he laughs again when he gets to the table and sees the hula girl. 

“What is all this?” he asks Junhwe when Junhwe sets a plate down in front of him.  
“Well, we can’t go to Hawaii, so I thought I’d bring a little Hawaii to you,” Junhwe says sheepishly. Jinhwan’s whole face changes, and he looks touched.  
“You’re such a romantic,” Jinhwan says. His tone is meant to be teasing, but he’s obviously been moved nearly to tears. Junhwe grins. Mission accomplished.  
“Yeah, but so are you,” he replies easily. Jinhwan busies himself with adjusting his knife and fork to avoid Junhwe’s gaze. Smirking and feeling victorious, Junhwe pours himself a glass of wine and then takes Jinhwan’s glass to go fill it with ice water, but Jinhwan grabs his shirt.  
“Wait, give me enough for a couple sips. It’s a special occasion.”  
“Sure thing,” Junhwe says, and he pours a little bit of wine into Jinhwan’s glass.  
“Since we’re in Hawaii and all,” Jinhwan adds with a small smile as he takes his glass back. Junhwe snorts. He sits back down and raises his glass.  
“Here’s to three years,” he says, grinning.  
Jinhwan holds up his own glass, and he gazes at Junhwe with so much tender affection that Junhwe’s heart swells and the corners of his eyes prick with tears. He truly does love Jinhwan more than anything.  
“Here’s to us,” Jinhwan says quietly, and a few tears leak out of Junhwe’s eyes at that. Jinhwan clinks their glasses together and then takes a sip, smiling triumphantly. “Like I said, a romantic.”  
Junhwe scoffs as he quickly wipes the tears away. “And did you hear what _you_ just said?” he retorts, but Jinhwan just laughs.

After dinner Junhwe makes a big show of clearing the table so that he can get his ukulele from the kitchen without Jinhwan’s knowing. Jinhwan gasps when Junhwe brings it out. He asks if Junhwe had written him another song, and Junhwe replies that he hadn’t been able to write a whole new song so he’d learned an old Hawaiian love song. “You know, to fit with the theme,” he says, gesturing vaguely at the hula girl. He feels a brief flash of regret again at not having written a song, especially because Jinhwan had seemed so hopeful, but even so, Jinhwan doesn’t look let down at all. Instead, he sits cross-legged in his chair, leaning back comfortably, an expectant smile on his lips. Junhwe drags his chair around the table so that it isn’t between them, and with an embarrassed laugh, he starts to sing.

 _Every breeze, every wave will whisper_  
_You are mine, don’t ever go away_

Jinhwan is swaying along gently, his eyes closed, and his smile grows broader and broader as Junhwe sings. And Junhwe can’t help it; he starts to smile too. “ _Aloha nō wau iā ‘oe,_ ” Junhwe croons, his voice low and sweet, and as his last note fades away, Jinhwan opens his eyes again. He’s grinning from ear to ear, and he hops from his chair and skips into Junhwe’s lap. “Beautiful,” he says as he wraps his arms around Junhwe’s neck. He asks what the Hawaiian phrase means, and Junhwe is glad he’d looked it up; he’d figured Jinhwan would ask. “I really love you,” Junhwe says, and Jinhwan kisses him. “Well _aloha nō wau iā ‘oe_ to you too.” Junhwe kisses Jinhwan this time, and Jinhwan doesn’t let him go. And when Junhwe finally gets the ukulele safely out of the way and onto the table, Jinhwan slides from Junhwe’s lap, pulls him to his feet, and drags him down the hall to their bedroom.

Junhwe tries and fails to stifle a huge yawn as he towels his hair dry. He drops the towel on the bathroom counter and shuffles into the bedroom to get some clothes. The sweatpants and t-shirt he’s been sleeping in lately are on the floor where he’d left them this morning, so he puts them back on and goes out into the living room. He’d expected Jinhwan to be in bed, but he’s out on the couch playing around with his phone. He’s in underwear and, to Junhwe’s amusement, the Hawaiian shirt. He must actually like it. Junhwe plops down on the couch. “You’re not coming to bed?” Jinhwan gives him a judgmental look because it’s barely past eleven. Junhwe squints at the clock, and it’s true. The two of them usually stay up late, but Junhwe is tired today. He thinks his nervousness had probably worn him out. He scoots into Jinhwan’s space and leans over him to peer at his phone. But Jinhwan sets his phone on the coffee table and faces Junhwe.

“Thanks for tonight,” he says. “You made it more special than I ever thought it could be.”  
Junhwe glows from the praise. “I’m just glad you liked it.”  
“But I bet you’re wondering what I planned.”

It’s true—trying to do something extra special for their third anniversary had been Jinhwan’s idea from the start, so Junhwe has been curious all night as to what Jinhwan had prepared. Jinhwan hadn’t given any hints like Junhwe had (he’d told Jinhwan not to make any dinner reservations because he’d be cooking), so Junhwe is completely in the dark. Jinhwan slips from the couch and goes into their room, and he returns with a small black bag. He licks his lips and nervously tucks several stubborn strands of hair behind his ear. Junhwe pats Jinhwan’s knee reassuringly. There’s no need for him to be nervous. With a tremulous sigh Jinhwan fishes around in the bag to pull out a little black box. He looks at it carefully for a moment before handing it to Junhwe. Junhwe swallows hard. He has a pretty good idea of what’s in that box. He opens it slowly, reverently, and sure enough, there’s a ring inside. In fact, it’s the same ring he’d told Jinhwan he’d wear himself on the day they’d gone shopping for earrings for Bobby’s girlfriend. “It’s really pretty,” Junhwe says quietly. He takes the ring from its box and holds it in his palm. The metal is cool against his skin.

“There’s one for me too,” Jinhwan says. He isn’t looking at Junhwe’s face; instead, he’s staring at the ring. “But I didn’t get them so everyone would know.”  
Junhwe tilts his head. “Then why did you get them?”  
“I wanted them for us. I wanted us to share something, to have something that’s just ours.” Jinhwan finally looks up at Junhwe, and his expression is unreadable. “That first year we were together, because of my family and your ex and me getting sick and all that stuff, it didn’t—it felt like everything else was in control of our relationship. At least for me. So since we made it this far, I thought…” He shakes his head. “I want to have something that I can look at that makes me feel like you’re right here with me.” 

Jinhwan is crying, but not really in a worrisome way, and he dabs at his eyes with one hand while covering the ring still in Junhwe’s outstretched palm with his other. Junhwe closes his fingers around Jinhwan’s hand and squeezes it gently. A lot of things have happened to them that were beyond their control, so it _had_ felt a bit like their relationship had belonged to other people, in a way. Like it had depended more on what other people thought about it than what they had thought about each other. Jinhwan takes his hand from Junhwe’s and clasps both of his hands in his lap. “I know you can’t wear it at work, so I’m still thinking about what to do about it, but I just—I wanted us to have something.” Junhwe looks at the ring. He isn’t out at work. Only his boss’s boss knows about his relationship right now, and Junhwe really can’t explain what had compelled him to spill the beans in the first place. But the other people on his team aren’t exactly the most brilliant or open-minded people he’s ever met, so he hasn’t felt any great desire to tell them about Jinhwan. Suddenly showing up with a couple ring would get everyone talking, and the last thing Junhwe wants is rumors.

He’d be okay with wearing it out and about or when they’re together, though. They hadn’t been shy about being affectionate in public when they’d been in school, but these days they don’t do much more than hold hands. Junhwe wouldn’t mind a ring, and he wouldn’t really even care if random people on the street knew about them. But his coworkers… He frowns. He doesn’t really like them in the first place, except for the one member of his team who isn’t a complete bumbling idiot. But the more Junhwe thinks about it, the more he wants to wear the ring—somehow, in some way. He puts the ring carefully back in its box and reaches for one of Jinhwan’s nervously twisting hands. He rubs slow circles into Jinhwan’s palm with his thumb.

“What if I put it on a necklace? No one would be able to see it under my shirt, but _we’d_ still know it’s there.”  
Jinhwan looks up from his hands to smile softly at Junhwe. “Yeah, maybe.”

With a satisfied grin Junhwe leans back against the arm of the couch and pulls Jinhwan on top of him. Jinhwan grabs the ring box, takes the ring out, and delicately slides it onto the middle finger of Junhwe’s right hand. 

“What was that Hawaiian thing, again?” he asks. “ _Aloha…_ ”  
“ _Nō wau iā ‘oe,_ ” Junhwe finishes, and Jinhwan laces their fingers together with a smile.  
“ _Aloha nō wau iā ‘oe,_ ” Jinhwan repeats. “I love you.”  
“More than anything,” Junhwe responds, and Jinhwan kisses him.

Jinhwan gets a chain for Junhwe’s ring, and for his own, he gets it attached a thick, black silk thread and wears it on his wrist. Jinhwan fiddles with it constantly while he’s thinking, and Junhwe loves that. He loves seeing it, he loves playing with it himself, and he loves what it represents for them. For his own ring, he likes the light weight of it against his chest, and it’s like Jinhwan had said—he’s reminded of Jinhwan whenever he sees or feels it; it’s like Jinhwan is there with him. But what he loves most about the rings is that they’re like a secret between the two of them. Jinhwan hadn’t even told Hanbin and Bobby about them at first. Junhwe hadn’t thought the rings could feel this intimate, but they do, and they make Junhwe feel secure. He’s more hopeful for the future than he’s ever been as he and Jinhwan head into their fourth year together, and he feels like they can overcome any challenge that’s thrown at them. Of course, he always has one fear looming over him, but there’s no way it will rear its ugly head now. Junhwe is sure of it. They’ll be okay. Things will be fine.

Junhwe has no other choice but to believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! This chapter has actually been finished for a while, but I held off posting because of changes I was making to chapter six. 
> 
> The Hawaiian song Junhwe sings for Jinhwan is based on Cynthia Lin's cover of "Hanalei Moon." Check it out on YouTube. :)
> 
> People who have read the AoL sequel will know what's coming, but those of you who haven't, buckle up...!


	6. Reverent Rose Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"And the soul of the rose went into my blood."_  
>  \- Alfred Lord Tennyson, _Maud_

Over the years, Junhwe has learned that Jinhwan likes being spoiled but doesn’t really like being taken care of. He enjoys getting random presents; he likes when Junhwe feeds him bites of whatever Junhwe is eating; he loves getting massages and being cuddled. But Jinhwan also likes being left alone—needs to be alone, in fact, sometimes—and he can’t stand it if Junhwe tries to do something for him that he is perfectly capable of doing himself. He doesn’t like it when Junhwe opens doors or carries things that he hasn’t been asked to carry; he doesn’t let Junhwe anywhere near their budget (despite the fact that Junhwe is the one with the business degree); and he especially hates it when Junhwe tries to take care of him whenever he gets sick. He doesn’t mind when Junhwe makes him soup or does his chores for him, but he gets angry whenever Junhwe nags him to see a doctor or implies that Jinhwan should stay in bed all day and do nothing until he recovers.

In fact, Jinhwan and Junhwe never fight about anything unless it’s Jinhwan’s health. They bicker incessantly and sometimes get play mad, but they don’t fight. Of course they have disagreements, but they talk them out and resolve them easily; they don’t argue or raise their voices or hurt each other’s feelings… except when it comes to Jinhwan’s health. Junhwe doesn’t understand how Hanbin and Bobby can be satisfied not doing much else other than wish Jinhwan a speedy recovery. But Junhwe, well—he pesters Jinhwan to go see a doctor at the first sign that he might not be at a hundred percent. It’s like a compulsion. Ever since he’d seen Jinhwan in a fever-induced delirium for several days, he hasn’t been able to prevent his mind from leaping to that whenever Jinhwan gets even a mild case of the sniffles. He doesn’t _ever_ want Jinhwan to allow himself to get that sick again, so he tries to force Jinhwan to go to the doctor.

But this backfires more often than not. Jinhwan has raised his voice to Junhwe only twice over the past five years, and both times have been because of an argument about his health. The first time had been the summer after the incident, when Jinhwan had had a cold and Junhwe would just not stop badgering him about seeing a doctor. Jinhwan had lost it and screamed at him to just shut the fuck up and leave him the fuck alone. And the other time had been when Junhwe had (in a much angrier voice than he’d intended because he hadn’t been angry at all) told Jinhwan that he should have seen the doctor sooner like Junhwe had suggested when Jinhwan had come down with an awful bout of the flu. Jinhwan had exploded, shouting that Junhwe has no right to be mad at him or judge him or tell him what to do, and he’d flung a couch pillow across the room at Junhwe that had hit him squarely in the face. (He admits that he’d probably deserved it, though.) Aside from those two times when tempers and tensions had been running particularly high, they usually argue about whether Jinhwan is sick enough to go see a doctor in the first place. That, or Junhwe says something monumentally stupid, like “I told you so,” after Jinhwan does finally go to the doctor and finds out he has the flu or some other infection. These fights usually end with Jinhwan snapping at him, refusing to speak to him for an hour (or even the rest of the day as had been the case once), or some combination thereof. Which is why Junhwe has been holding his tongue since last week and hasn’t said anything about Jinhwan’s needing to see a doctor because he’s been sick for ages and won’t do anything about it.

So when Jinhwan shuffles out of their bedroom, Junhwe can’t help asking Jinhwan why he’s up because he should be resting. Jinhwan picks up the iPad from the coffee table. “Don’t you remember? We’re FaceTiming Donghyuk about the trip soon.” Junhwe leans against the back of the couch and sighs. He’d forgotten that was today. Jinhwan is presenting at a conference in the States in several weeks, and he’d wanted Junhwe to come for moral support. Since it’s over the summer when both Jinhwan and Donghyuk are off from school, Junhwe had taken time off work and they’d all made a trip out of it. Better to not let all the money they’d spent on plane tickets go to waste. And besides, Junhwe really misses Donghyuk. Donghyuk has been his closest friend since they were thirteen, and for a good chunk of that time, they’d been at boarding school together; Junhwe is used to Donghyuk, and Donghyuk is used to Junhwe. Donghyuk _gets_ him, gets him like so few people have, and he always has. So for Junhwe, losing one of his best friends to Harvard Law School just hadn’t been ideal.

He runs a hand through his hair with a yawn, and Jinhwan taps his other arm. Automatically he lifts it so Jinhwan can snuggle against him, and then he wraps his arm around Jinhwan’s waist. He slips two of his fingers under Jinhwan’s sweater, and Jinhwan is hot. He probably has a fever. Junhwe pulls the blanket Jinhwan has in his lap a little further up his body, and Jinhwan coughs slightly. Junhwe frowns. They should just reschedule with Donghyuk so Jinhwan can go back to bed; it’s late anyway. But before he can suggest it (and probably get smacked for it), Donghyuk is calling them. Donghyuk looks good, though a bit tired because it’s early in the morning over there, and Junhwe is glad that he seems happy. They don’t talk as frequently as they used to, but he does know that life abroad is treating Donghyuk well. (Very well, really, since Donghyuk is dating some hot rich American guy.) But after he greets Donghyuk and the three of them make small talk for a while, he tunes out when Jinhwan and Donghyuk start working out the logistics for the trip. He hates planning these sorts of things. He’s half-asleep, dreaming about food, when Jinhwan starts coughing uncontrollably. “Hyung? Hyung? Are you all right?” comes Donghyuk’s voice, and Junhwe comes crashing back to reality. 

Jinhwan is doubled over, the iPad askew in his lap, and the coughing doesn’t stop. His face is bright red from the exertion and lack of oxygen, and Junhwe grabs one of Jinhwan’s arms with one hand and rubs Jinhwan’s back with the other. This is getting ridiculous. Jinhwan _needs_ to go see a doctor. The coughing fit subsides moments later, and Jinhwan stays hunched over and gasping for breath for several long moments before he straightens up and leans back against the couch. After he takes a few seconds to gather himself, he holds up the iPad to look at Donghyuk. “I’m fine,” he mutters, clearly embarrassed. “Are you sure?” Donghyuk and Junhwe ask in unison. Jinhwan massages his chest and glances at Junhwe. “Water, please, dear,” he says quietly. Junhwe is afraid to leave him, though. He still has a tight grip on Jinhwan’s arm. What if Jinhwan starts coughing again? But Jinhwan jerks himself free and shoves Junhwe off the couch. Junhwe slouches into the kitchen moodily. He definitely doesn’t want to start a fight in front of Donghyuk. But when Junhwe and Jinhwan both turn in later, Junhwe rolls over to Jinhwan’s side of the bed and throws an arm over Jinhwan’s waist.

“How are you feeling?”  
“Tired.”  
“Will you go see a doctor tomorrow?” Junhwe asks, his voice tentative. He might not want to start a fight, but his desire for Jinhwan to be healthy is even stronger. Predictably, Jinhwan tenses.  
“Give it a rest. I’ll be fine.”  
Junhwe sighs. “All right.”

There’s no point in arguing. They’re both tired, and Jinhwan’s mood has been bad ever since his coughing fit. Occasionally Junhwe knows when to pick his battles, and this is definitely a situation that screams _danger._

But Jinhwan doesn’t get any better. In fact, he gets worse. He skips two days of classes (which, for him, is comparable to admitting defeat), and earlier in the evening he’d asked Junhwe to take him to the doctor the next morning. Junhwe is glad, of course, that Jinhwan is finally ready to go to the hospital, but he’s worried too. Jinhwan can hardly stand right now without getting woozy, his fever is the highest it’s been yet, and he’d texted Junhwe all day about how achy he is. It’s probably a bad case of the flu, Junhwe thinks. A bad case of the flu and they’d let it get worse. But Junhwe tries not to let it get to him. Jinhwan is already asleep when Junhwe eventually turns in that night, and Junhwe just watches him for a while. His mind conjures up the old image of Jinhwan lying unconscious in the hospital bed, but he pushes it aside. He can’t let himself think about that. They’re going to the hospital in the morning, after all. Things have to be okay. With a sigh, Junhwe rolls over and drifts off into a fitful sleep.

“Junhwe—wake up—I can’t—I—can’t—”

Junhwe blinks blearily and squints over his shoulder. Jinhwan is shaking him, tears streaming down his face. Slowly, Junhwe’s brain starts to wake up. “Jinan?” he croaks. “What’s wrong?”  
“Everything hurts,” Jinhwan whimpers. “Everything hurts so bad, and I can’t—I can barely breathe.”  
Junhwe sits up immediately, much more alert now. He envelops Jinhwan in his arms. “Hey, c’mere, you’re okay…” he soothes.  
“We have to go to the emergency room,” Jinhwan gasps out.  
“Yeah,” Junhwe murmurs, “yeah, okay, just wait a second—”

He props Jinhwan up against the headboard, turns on the light on his nightstand, and stumbles out of bed. Squinting through the sudden brightness, he searches for clothes—there are jeans on the floor that are probably clean, as well as a shirt that is more questionable, but Junhwe pulls them on quickly. He grabs a jacket from the closet and takes one of his hoodies. “Here, put this on,” he says to Jinhwan as he throws the hoodie at him. Jinhwan does as he’s told while Junhwe moves around the bedroom to pack up his backpack, running through his mental checklist. Jinhwan’s wallet, his wallet, Jinhwan’s phone, his phone, two of their mobile batteries (with the hope that at least one of them is charged), the folder with all the important documents about Jinhwan’s medical history… He comes back into the bedroom with Jinhwan’s shoes; he isn’t sure if Jinhwan can make it to foyer to put them on himself. “Can you walk?” Jinhwan had stopped crying, but more tears start to leak out at the question. “I don’t think I can manage the stairs,” he whispers hoarsely. Junhwe nods once. “But I don’t want you to carry me, just help me.” Junhwe nods again. While Jinhwan puts on his shoes, Junhwe runs down to the car to throw his backpack into the back seat, and then he goes back inside. After going through his checklist one last time and hoping desperately that he hadn’t forgotten anything, he walks Jinhwan out of their apartment and down the stairs to the car. It’s a slow process, and Junhwe thinks it probably would have been faster if Jinhwan had let Junhwe carry him, but Junhwe doesn’t want to make Jinhwan any more distressed than he already is. So he settles for helping Jinhwan to the car. 

The ER visit confirms pneumonia. They stay through the rest of the night and most of the next day because it takes a while for the results to come out, and they give Jinhwan oxygen and an IV drip. But once he’s got his diagnosis and antibiotics prescription, and he’s feeling well enough to walk on his own again, they finally go back home. Neither of them speaks on the way to the car, and Junhwe glances furtively at Jinhwan. His face is that sickly sort of pale with reddish splotches on his cheeks from the fever. His eyes are shadowed and dulled, and each breath he takes is rattled and strained. Junhwe wishes he could pull every last little bacterium from Jinhwan’s body and kill them all—and then bring them back and kill them again just to be petty. He sighs to himself and gets in the car. What is wrong with him? He pushes the image of himself wrestling with an amoeba from his mind and steals another glance at Jinhwan. He’s leaning against the window, staring at the passing traffic listlessly. Junhwe’s grip on the steering wheel tightens. He can’t do this.

Even though this strain of pneumonia is, apparently, mild, Jinhwan is still going to be sick for weeks, and he’s going to be suffering from its effects for months. They shouldn’t be traveling all the way to the other side of the world just so Jinhwan can give some stupid presentation and they can hang out with Donghyuk for a little while. It isn’t worth it. They’re going to arrive the day before the conference starts after a ten-hour flight, so Jinhwan will be jetlagged and tired just from the travel, which is exactly the state a neutropenic cancer survivor with anxiety and now pneumonia needs to be in before giving a conference presentation in his second language. Junhwe glares so fiercely at a few pedestrians crossing the street that they actually quicken their pace, but he’s feeling too irritated and overprotective to care at all. This is so stupid. If Jinhwan had just gone to the doctor days ago—god, over a week ago at this point—then maybe they wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe Junhwe wouldn’t feel like Jinhwan needs to stay home where it’s the least stressful. But Jinhwan never listens to Junhwe when it’s about things like this.

“Jinan, I told—” Junhwe starts to say because he’s a complete idiot.  
“Don’t fucking start that with me right now, and I’m going to the fucking conference.”

Ouch.

Junhwe winces; he should have expected this. He should have known that Jinhwan isn’t in the mood to hear something like _I told you so._ In fact, Jinhwan is never in the mood to hear that, least of all when he’s sick. Junhwe should know better by this point; he’s been with Jinhwan for over five years, and he knows what sets Jinhwan off. But he just can’t help himself. He never wants to see Jinhwan as sick as he’d been four years ago, so he says stupid things that push all the wrong buttons. Objectively he knows that it had been his fault that Jinhwan had snapped at him, but his feelings are still hurt. All he wants is for Jinhwan to be healthy. To be comfortable and happy. Why does the desire for the person he loves most in the world to be safe have to turn into a huge fight every time he voices his concerns? Junhwe parks outside their apartment building and looks at Jinhwan with a frown. He isn’t mad, and he doesn’t think Jinhwan is mad mad, but they’re both upset with each other. This is how these arguments always go. Junhwe runs a hand through his hair with a small sigh and trudges into the building after Jinhwan.

Once in their apartment, Jinhwan sits on the couch, but Junhwe goes to lie down in their bedroom. He’d caught a glimpse of Jinhwan’s apologetic expression as he’d passed, but he doesn’t stop; his feelings are still hurt, and he doesn’t trust himself to be able to refrain from saying something that will aggravate Jinhwan again and probably lead to more hurtful words. Junhwe throws himself onto the bed, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling for a moment before rolling over to Jinhwan’s side. He buries his face into Jinhwan’s pillow and sniffles. The memory of Jinhwan teary-eyed and barely able to catch his breath as he’d shaken Junhwe awake is still so fresh. And even worse, it had reminded Junhwe so strongly of the sick and confused Jinhwan at the park, of the pale and unconscious Jinhwan in the hospital bed. Junhwe wipes away the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. “Fuck,” he mutters. He can’t let himself get worked up like this; it will only make things worse.

He watches television for a while until he calms down, and then he starts looking around for the iPad. It isn’t in their room or bathroom, so it must be somewhere in the living room. Junhwe is a little less tired and a lot more willing to be sensitive to Jinhwan’s feelings now, so with a resigned sigh he drags himself out of the bedroom. He doesn’t see Jinhwan right away when he walks out (and he panics for a moment, thinking that Jinhwan had run off, until he remembers that Jinhwan is actually very sick and can’t even drive anyway), so he tiptoes toward the couch. As expected, Jinhwan is curled up there, fast asleep. Junhwe just looks at him for a minute. Jinhwan will also probably be less irritable after a nap. Both of them had had a long night, which Junhwe is sure is partially responsible for the fight earlier. He rubs his eyes with a sigh and then resumes his search for the iPad. It’s sitting on the coffee table right where Junhwe had left it last night. He stoops down to pick it up—

“Junhwe?”

Junhwe whips around at the sound of Jinhwan’s voice. Jinhwan’s eyes are only partially open; he’s clearly still half-asleep. Junhwe squats beside the couch. “Junhwe, I’m cold,” Jinhwan mumbles. Well, he _is_ shivering. The first thing Junhwe probably should have done is cover Jinhwan with the throw blanket, but he dismisses the thought and frowns. Jinhwan is shivering despite wearing two of his own sweaters and Junhwe’s hoodie, and Junhwe wonders briefly if the antibiotics are starting to wear off. He presses two of his fingers to Jinhwan’s neck, and he’s warm. He should be in bed, Junhwe thinks. “Wanna lie down in bed?” he asks, and Jinhwan makes a noise of assent. “All right, c’mere.” Junhwe pushes Jinhwan gently from his side onto his back so it will be easier to pick him up (Junhwe is not trying to repeat last night’s struggle), and then he hooks one arm under Jinhwan’s knees and the other under Jinhwan’s back. Jinhwan is muttering that he can walk, that he isn’t in that much pain, but he makes no effort to push Junhwe away; instead, he wraps his arms around Junhwe’s neck and presses his face into Junhwe’s shoulder. Junhwe deposits Jinhwan carefully into their bed and tucks the comforter around him. Jinhwan falls back asleep in the time it takes Junhwe to return from the living room after retrieving Jinhwan’s phone, so Junhwe sets it on the nightstand, smooths Jinhwan’s hair affectionately, and then leaves Jinhwan to rest.

Junhwe makes a batch of samgyetang because Jinhwan always has less of an appetite when he’s sick but will usually allow Junhwe to force soup on him. Junhwe runs to the store to grab the missing ingredients and then gets to work on the soup. He hums the Jinhwan song while he cooks to try to distract himself, filling his mind with happy memories rather than sad ones. While the soup simmers, Junhwe sits himself at the kitchen table, pulls out his phone and stares at it for a moment, and then calls Bobby. Although Junhwe and Bobby have never found much in common other than a mutual unconditional love for Jinhwan, Junhwe still counts Bobby as one of his most important and closest friends. They’ve shared a lot over the past few years, had to go through a lot together, and Bobby is always so open, sincere, and frank. About everything—Junhwe goes to him for advice about all sorts of things, from worries about his job to Jinhwan’s health. And really, when it comes to Jinhwan’s health, Junhwe finds Bobby the easiest to talk to. Donghyuk is a good listener, but he doesn’t have the same background with Jinhwan as Bobby does, which just makes serious discussions about Jinhwan’s health easier. Bobby has never—not even once—made Junhwe feel like his feelings or fears are stupid. The phone had barely rung once when Bobby answers.

“I was wondering when you were gonna call me.”  
So Jinhwan had already talked to him. Well, Junhwe supposes that might make the conversation easier. He picks at his nails. “Hello to you too, hyung, and are you ever _not_ glued to your phone? I don’t even think it rang once.”  
Bobby snorts. “There are worse addictions. Anyway, you gonna tell me what happened?”  
Straight to the point. Well, that’s Bobby for you. Junhwe had sort of hoped Bobby might let Junhwe tiptoe around the issue a bit so he could work up the nerve to get it all out. But he should have known better. He tells Bobby the whole story, and Bobby lets him talk uninterrupted. “So then I just went to our room to give him some space,” Junhwe finishes.  
Bobby is quiet for a while. “And you were gonna tell him ‘I told you so?’ Even though that’s worked out so well for you in the past?”  
Junhwe huffs. “But I mean I _did_ tell him so! I _always_ tell him so! He just never _listens_.”  
“I know, I know. I know how stubborn he can be You gotta keep in mind what he went through, though.”  
“Yeah, but it’s _because_ of that I’m so worried. It’s like he doesn’t care at all.”  
“You know that’s not true, Junhwe.”  
“It feels like it,” Junhwe mutters.  
“It’s like we have the same conversation every time this happens. You say that, and then I tell you—”  
“That he’s the most worried of all of us, yeah, yeah, I know.”  
“Then what made this time different?” presses Bobby. “What made you say something to him you knew would set him off?”  
Junhwe rubs at a spot on the table with his finger. The sight of Jinhwan gasping for breath flashes in his mind, and then it’s replaced by Jinhwan’s bloodless, frozen face from the night at the park. Junhwe squeezes his eyes shut as his heart feels like it’s being squeezed to death. He might as well just tell Bobby. “He just… He woke me up last night, hyung, and when I saw his face, I—he just looked so much like how he did that time. At the park.”  
“Ah, shit,” Bobby says, and he sounds so sorry. “Fuck, Junhwe, I know how hard that was for you.” They’re both quiet, and then Bobby sighs. “You gotta know he’s not that sick now and hasn’t been that sick since.”  
“Yeah,” Junhwe says miserably, “but I can’t help but think about that every time he does get sick.”  
“Hm.” Junhwe can hear Bobby drum his fingers on the table. “You need me to come over?”  
“No, it’s fine.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah, thanks, hyung.”  
“All right, well, just let me know if you need to talk again or if you change your mind.”  
“Okay.”

They hang up, and Junhwe slumps onto the table. Bobby is right; Junhwe really shouldn’t have said anything that he’d known would annoy Jinhwan, but at least Bobby had also understood why Junhwe had said it in the first place. In his own way, Bobby had let Junhwe know that it’s okay for him to have felt upset. Junhwe starts playing with a spoon. He knows he’s unfair to Jinhwan sometimes. He knows it, and he still can’t help it, and he hates that about himself. He glares at his phone just as a text alert flashes across the screen: _Hey I’m sorry ㅜㅜ_ It’s Jinhwan; he must be awake. Junhwe drops the spoon with a clang and all but runs back to the bedroom. He turns on the lamp on the nightstand. He asks Jinhwan if he needs anything, and Jinhwan responds hoarsely that he wants water, so Junhwe hurries from the room to get him a glass. Jinhwan is sitting up when Junhwe returns, and he just looks so sick… Junhwe chews his lip as Jinhwan takes the cup from him. “Do you need anything else?” Jinhwan looks at the cup and then at Junhwe. His eyes are filled with guilt and worry and love, and Junhwe’s heart aches. “Will you lie down with me?” Jinhwan asks in a small voice. He sounds so sad. “Of course,” Junhwe says immediately. The fight seems so stupid now, just like these fights always do after the fact.

Junhwe cleans up the kitchen and stores the soup first, and then he goes back to the bedroom and clambers into bed beside Jinhwan. Jinhwan promptly snuggles right up to Junhwe, and he’s so warm. Too warm. Jinhwan is mumbling something, but Junhwe can’t quite hear him. It’s probably nothing, just feverish mutterings. After a few minutes, something in Jinhwan’s face softens, and then his whole body relaxes against Junhwe. He’s asleep again. Junhwe strokes Jinhwan’s hair with a sigh. He doesn’t experience many of the insecurities he’d felt when they’d first started dating anymore, but in the hours after fights like this, he sinks back into feeling like the world’s worst boyfriend. He tries to be supportive and give Jinhwan his space, but at the same time, he lets his own worries and fears get in the way of putting Jinhwan’s feelings first. And in the end, it’s always Jinhwan who understands and apologizes and forgives. Jinhwan shifts a little in his sleep, and Junhwe holds tighter to him. He shuts his eyes and lets out a slow breath. There isn’t much use dwelling on it now, though. Things will be fine again when they wake up.

And things are fine because Jinhwan gets a lot better by the time the conference rolls around. He’s more than well enough to travel, and even Junhwe can’t say much against it. The only remnant of his pneumonia is a persistent cough, but that isn’t anything he hasn’t dealt with before. His conference presentation goes well, too—better than well, really; he’s superb, and Junhwe has never been prouder. They meet up with Donghyuk and his boyfriend Brandon (who is, annoyingly, even more handsome than his Instagram pictures had suggested) in Boston, and after hitting all the tourist spots there, they head north to see the sights in New York. They wrap up their trip in California, where they visit the vineyards and the beaches and Disneyland, among other things. The trip had been good for Junhwe and Jinhwan, and Junhwe is glad they’d gone in the end, despite the cost and Jinhwan’s pneumonia in the weeks before. But that cough Jinhwan has still doesn’t go away, even after they get back from the trip. Junhwe is aware that pneumonia symptoms can last ages and that in Jinhwan’s case he can be ill for even longer, but there’s just something _off_ about it this time. Jinhwan starts getting worse again as time goes on, not better. His cough grows more pronounced, he gets feverish and begins complaining of muscle aches, and he’s exhausted all the time. “I think it’s the flu,” Junhwe says carefully to him over dinner one night, and to his surprise, it doesn’t actually turn into a fight. Jinhwan heaves a resigned sigh and agrees. He goes to the clinic on campus a few days later, reports that it is indeed the flu, and starts taking medicine.

But he still doesn’t get any better.

He gets worse and worse, and he starts looking gaunt and loses a ton of weight. Junhwe nags him, saying it could be pneumonia again, but Jinhwan fights with him about it. His body just doesn’t deal with sicknesses like other people, he argues. This is just how it is. But Junhwe remains unconvinced and keeps telling Jinhwan to go back to the hospital, but Jinhwan refuses. It’s so stupid, Junhwe thinks. The fact that they’re fighting about this, that they only ever fight about this, that they have to fight about something that Junhwe doesn’t think should turn into a fight at all is just so _stupid._ He’s been trying to understand Jinhwan’s point of view for years now, but he just can’t. Doesn’t want to, if he’s being honest with himself. Still, though, Junhwe is tired of arguing, so for the past week or so, he hasn’t said anything. He doesn’t want Jinhwan to keep pushing himself and wind up sicker, but he also doesn’t want to keep having the same disagreements over and over and over.

They’re sitting on the couch and watching a rented romance movie they’ve seen already, and Jinhwan can’t stop coughing. “Do you want me to get you some water?” Junhwe asks, and Jinhwan shakes his head. He gets up himself, swaying a little, and Junhwe frowns up at him in concern. He’s afraid Jinhwan might collapse. But Jinhwan moves around the couch to head to the kitchen. Junhwe pauses the movie and picks up the iPad with a sigh. Jinhwan hasn’t been having a good day today, so Junhwe had suggested a movie to try to distract him from how awful he feels, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Junhwe is scrolling absently through Instagram when he hears Jinhwan start to cough, and it doesn’t stop. Junhwe looks up from the iPad. “Jinan?” he calls, but his only response is more coughing. “Jinan?” Junhwe says again, louder. “Are you okay?” Still more coughing. Junhwe sets the iPad aside and makes his way to the kitchen. Jinhwan’s moods be damned—Junhwe is going to check on him. But what he sees when he gets to the kitchen makes his heart stop.

Jinhwan is hunched over and on his knees, clinging to the kitchen counter with one hand. Junhwe curses under his breath and runs to Jinhwan. He gathers Jinhwan in his arms and rubs Jinhwan’s back, and his stomach twists into knots as he watches Jinhwan hack up bloody blobs of mucus. What the hell is going on? Jinhwan stops coughing a few moments later, and Junhwe keeps rubbing circles into his back until his breathing starts to slow. But then Jinhwan doesn’t sit up or look up or say anything—he’s just staring at the bloody globs in his palms, and then he starts crying and trembling and his breathing is getting rapid and irregular and—he’s having an anxiety attack, Junhwe realizes.

“Jinan, it’s okay, you’re okay. Just breathe, just try to breathe, you’re okay…” 

Junhwe rubs Jinhwan’s arms, and after a while Jinhwan swallows. He’s still shaking, and his breathing is still a little messed up, but the crying has stopped. He’s coming back. Junhwe waits a moment before pulling Jinhwan gently to his feet. “C’mon, let’s wash up your hands,” he says in a soft voice. Junhwe turns on the sink and grabs a cup of water while Jinhwan washes his hands. Jinhwan rinses out his mouth, and then he turns to Junhwe, and Junhwe embraces him. He has no idea what had just happened, but coughing up blood and mucus isn’t any flu symptom he’s ever heard of. And he’s sure it can’t be a good sign if the sight of those blobs had driven Jinhwan into an anxiety attack. Junhwe bites his lip. Jinhwan _needs_ to go see a doctor. Jinhwan steps back and tells Junhwe to lie down with him, and then he leads Junhwe from the kitchen to their bedroom. He lies with his head on Junhwe’s chest, right over Junhwe’s heart, and his fingers are wound tightly into Junhwe’s shirt. “Promise me you’ll go to the doctor tomorrow,” Junhwe says quietly. He doesn’t see how Jinhwan can refuse. “I promise,” Jinhwan whispers. 

A few days later Junhwe gets a text late in the afternoon from Jinhwan: _Call me when you’re off._ He frowns at his phone and then squints at the clock on the wall. He has another three hours of work left, and he can’t exactly sneak off to the locker room right now. His team is in the middle of a big project, and he doesn’t think his conversation with Jinhwan will be short enough for him to not be missed. The university has been trying to get Jinhwan to teach a course he doesn’t want to have anything to do with, and it’s been stressing him out; he probably wants to vent. Junhwe rubs his eyes and sets his phone aside. Maybe if they finish this data analysis soon, their boss will let them off early. Junhwe sighs. No, that will never happen. So Junhwe pushes Jinhwan from his mind and tries to focus. The sooner he finishes, the sooner he can leave. On his way home, he calls Jinhwan.

“Hey,” he says.  
“Hi,” says Jinhwan. His voice doesn’t sound right. Something really must be wrong.  
“What happened?” Junhwe asks, concerned. “Is it about that class they’re trying to get you to teach?”  
Jinhwan laughs humorlessly. “I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow. They want to talk to me about my test results.”

Junhwe’s heart drops. Shit. He hadn’t even considered that Jinhwan might have been upset about something that had happened at the hospital. Junhwe had just assumed it would turn out to be a weird strain of the flu or something and set the hospital visit aside. But this sounds bad. He asks if Jinhwan knows why they want to talk to him about his test results, and Jinhwan says no. Yeah, this really can’t be good. Junhwe sighs. He can’t go with Jinhwan to the hospital tomorrow, but there’s no way Jinhwan can go alone. “Bobby-hyung can go with you, right?” Junhwe asks. If Junhwe can’t go himself, then the only other person he’d want to go with Jinhwan is Bobby. Bobby always knows what to do and say when it comes to this. It also helps that Bobby’s schedule is more flexible than Junhwe’s, so Junhwe can always count on him. “Yeah, he can,” Jinhwan says, and Junhwe nods. “Good, as long as you’re not alone. I’ll be home in like ten minutes, okay?” Jinhwan makes a little noise of acknowledgement. 

“I love you,” Junhwe says.  
“More than anything,” Jinhwan responds in a soft voice.

Jinhwan is a bit of a wreck when Junhwe gets home. He’s trying desperately to keep himself from falling apart, but he’s close, and Junhwe doesn’t know how to help him. It breaks his heart seeing Jinhwan like this, and he’s starting to understand the kind of fear that Jinhwan, Hanbin, and Bobby have been dealing with for so long. Junhwe can’t blame Jinhwan for thinking this might have been too much for Junhwe to handle all those years ago. Of course Junhwe wouldn’t have left then, and he certainly isn’t going to leave now, but they don’t even know anything and it’s already difficult. Junhwe shifts in the bed, trying to get comfortable without waking Jinhwan, who is holding fast to one of Junhwe’s arms. He can’t let himself break down. He can’t do that to Jinhwan, especially not now when they don’t actually know what’s wrong yet.

Junhwe spends the whole next day worrying. He’d pulled aside Kim Yunho (the only person on his team he’d connected with and who knows about Jinhwan) to tell him that some pretty bad things are going on right now and he might have to step outside for a while, so would Yunho mind covering for him? Yunho, of course, doesn’t mind, but Junhwe doesn’t get any information from either Jinhwan or Bobby all day. He doesn’t want to stress Jinhwan out by sending him a barrage of texts demanding updates, so he texts Bobby around noon instead ( _so what did they say??_ ), but Bobby doesn’t respond until almost two: _He should b the one to tell u everything but there’s a complication n they ran a bunch more tests. I’m taking him home now._ Junhwe feels sick. A complication? What kind of complication? Junhwe wants to call Bobby and insist on an explanation, but he knows that Bobby is right; he knows he should hear about it from Jinhwan. But he can’t focus on his work, not like this, not with this hanging over him. He asks Yunho to cover for him and hides in the locker room, where he sits and cries and lets himself fall apart. Why is this happening to them? What had they ever done to deserve the kind of shit they’ve had to put up with over the past few years? Jinhwan _can’t_ be sick again. He just can’t be.

With two hours left of work, Bobby calls Junhwe. “Sorry, I have to take this,” Junhwe mutters to his team before he leaps from his desk and nearly runs from the office. He hadn’t even bothered to ask Yunho to try to cover for him or say something to the rest of the team so they don’t start to talk; he isn’t thinking that clearly. All he knows is that if Bobby is calling, something had happened.

“When can you be home?” Bobby asks without waiting for Junhwe to say anything.  
Junhwe’s throat sticks up. Jinhwan must be in a bad place for Bobby to call Junhwe and ask him to come home like this. “I’ll take an hour off,” Junhwe says. “I’ll be there in like ninety minutes.”  
“Okay,” Bobby says. “He’s not doing good, man, he needs you.”  
Junhwe squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to lose it. “I’ll leave as soon as I can.”

Bobby hangs up, and Junhwe swallows hard and drags himself back to the office. He pulls Yunho aside and says quietly that he has to leave early, and Yunho just nods. “Sure, man, whatever you need.” He finishes up the last bit of work he’d been doing, packs up, and submits his paid leave form. His boss gives him a dubious look before he stamps it and files it away. He probably thinks Junhwe has been taking too much time off, after the recent trip and everything. But Junhwe doesn’t care at all about what his boss thinks. Not now. Not about this. He texts Bobby that he’s on his way home now, and Bobby sends him a thumbs up emoji in response. Junhwe’s stomach prickles in nervousness. What had the doctors said to Jinhwan that had apparently caused him so much distress? What could be wrong with him? 

When Junhwe gets home, he finds Jinhwan and Bobby on the couch, and there’s some takeout on the coffee table. So Bobby had made Jinhwan eat already. Good. Then Junhwe doesn’t need to have that fight with him. But Jinhwan himself looks lifeless, like he’s already given up, and Bobby just looks sad. Junhwe swallows. “What happened?” he asks sharply. Bobby sighs and tells him to get changed and put his things away first, and Junhwe wants to argue. He just wants to know what had happened; he doesn’t give a flying fuck about whether he’s still in his suit or not. “No, Junhwe, you should do what he says,” Jinhwan says in a small voice. Junhwe bites his lip. He wants to scream. But instead he stomps from the living room to the bedroom, strips out of his suit, and changes into more comfortable clothes. He drops his briefcase beside the dresser and frowns at his reflection in the mirror. He can barely recognize the terrified person he sees there. He closes his eyes and runs his hands over his face. He has to calm down; he can’t be like this when Jinhwan is on the verge of breaking down.

He goes back out into the living room, and Bobby hops to his feet. “All right, I’ll leave you guys to it.” Jinhwan is still clutching Bobby’s hand, and there’s panic in his eyes. He doesn’t want Bobby to go, Junhwe realizes. He looks between them and chews his lip. He isn’t entirely sure he wants Bobby to go either. Jinhwan is Junhwe’s anchor, but Bobby is Jinhwan’s, and if neither of them have something to keep them grounded, Junhwe is afraid that they’ll just float away and never be able to come back down. But Bobby tugs his hand from Jinhwan’s grip, leans down, and kisses Jinhwan’s cheek. He says something that Junhwe can’t quite catch, and Jinhwan throws his arms around Bobby and hugs him tightly. He whispers something, and then Bobby steps away, nodding. Junhwe sinks slowly onto the couch and locks eyes with Bobby, who smiles. “Thanks for taking care of him,” Junhwe says, and Bobby nods once. He looks between them, smiles again, and then he leaves. Junhwe tears his eyes from the closed door to look at Jinhwan. He’s so anxious that he feels sick. Jinhwan turns slowly to face him, and then he rubs his eyes and takes both of Junhwe’s hands in his.

“There’s a nodule in one of my lungs.”  
Junhwe doesn’t even know what that means, but his throat sticks up anyway. Jinhwan takes a shaky breath.  
“They wanted to to tell me that it could be cancerous.”  
Junhwe’s mind goes blank, and unconsciously he tightens his grip on Jinhwan’s hands. He’s probably crushing Jinhwan’s fingers, but he isn’t thinking about anything other than the word _cancerous_. “ _What?_ ” Junhwe’s voice cracks.  
Jinhwan looks desperate. “They don’t know for sure,” he says, and Junhwe doesn’t know which of them Jinhwan is trying to reassure more. But Junhwe can’t process this. How is he supposed to process this?  
“You can’t…” he breathes out. “It’s not… It can’t be…”  
Jinhwan looks down at their hands. “Look, Junhwe, I understand if—if this is really hard for you. I understand if you don’t want to be with me—”

Junhwe’s blood boils. Oh hell no. No, no, no, not again. Not now. Why does Jinhwan _still_ think Junhwe is going to run away? Junhwe has never loved anyone more, he’s never wanted to be with someone more, and even if this is scary, he would _never_ abandon Jinhwan like that. He yanks his hands out of Jinhwan’s and leaps to his feet, his temper flaring up and getting the better of him. It isn’t Jinhwan’s fault that he feels this way sometimes, nor is it Junhwe’s, and Junhwe knows that by now, but even so... Why does Jinhwan still not see how much Junhwe loves him?

“What the fuck, Jinan, are you fucking serious?” Junhwe explodes. “You can’t think that after everything—after that time when you fucking ran away—that you’d think that I’d actually _leave_ —”  
“Junhwe, that’s not what I was going to say,” Jinhwan says quietly. He doesn’t seem to be at all affected by Junhwe’s outburst. Junhwe blinks, his brow creasing in confusion. What else could Jinhwan have meant?  
“What?”  
“I meant I’ll understand if you don’t want to be with me when I go for treatment,” Jinhwan says.

Junhwe chills immediately, and he sits back down, feeling stupid, embarrassed, and empty. Why does he always do this? He always jumps the gun and assumes the worst. He really doesn’t deserve Jinhwan. He bites his lip and watches Jinhwan play absently with the ring on his wrist. Jinhwan goes on to explain that having to see someone go through that can be difficult. Apparently his mother had had some trouble dealing with it, and Hanbin had never been able to handle it. Junhwe wonders where he would fall—if he would be as strong as Bobby, or if he’d need to take breaks like Jinhwan’s mother, or if he’d fall apart like Hanbin. Jinhwan looks Junhwe in the eye, and Junhwe swallows. It doesn’t matter what he might be; the only thing that matters is what he needs to be for Jinhwan.

“That’s all I meant. Junhwe, I… Junhwe, if you left me—especially now, when I need you the most—I…”

Jinhwan chokes on his words, and then come the tears, and Junhwe feels even worse. He reaches out to pull Jinhwan into his arms, and Jinhwan melts against him. “Fuck, Jinan, fuck I—I didn’t—I just thought—because before—” Junhwe doesn’t even know why he’s trying to justify what he’d said. But then Jinhwan cracks, mumbling that it had been his fault and he’s sorry, repeating over and over that he’s sorry, and Junhwe rubs slow circles into Jinhwan’s back. “Shhh,” Junhwe says, trying to calm Jinhwan down. “There isn’t anything to be sorry about.” Jinhwan is the last person Junhwe would blame for his having run away and gotten sick all those years ago. “We’ll get through this,” Junhwe says firmly. He needs to convince himself too. “We don’t even know if it _is_ cancer right?” But Jinhwan doesn’t respond and inches even closer to Junhwe, twisting his fingers even tighter into Junhwe’s shirt. 

“I love you,” Junhwe whispers, but Jinhwan says nothing.

The first thing Junhwe does the next day is confess everything that’s been going on to his boss’s boss. She invites him to her office, where he sits, nervous. She’s the only person at his job other than Yunho who knows about his relationship with Jinhwan, and she’s never been judgmental or weird about it. He isn’t sure why he’d confided in her in the first place, but he does respect her. He also feels like he can trust her, and he needs someone at work to know the full story of what’s going on. Junhwe wants to be able to go to the hospital with Jinhwan or go home if he needs to be at home, and to be able to do that, he needs to have her on his side. She ends up being more supportive than Junhwe could have even imagined, and he’s grateful. She tells him to contact her directly if he wants to work from home or needs to take time off, and Junhwe feels blessed. In the midst of all this crap, something is finally going right. Junhwe can get through this. He _will_ get through this.

But it isn’t for another eight days until Jinhwan hears from the hospital, and he and Junhwe don’t go in until two days after that. Junhwe takes the whole day off just in case the news is bad; there’s no way he’d leave Jinhwan alone for even a moment if it turns out his cancer had recurred. The trip to the hospital is quiet and tense, and it only gets worse when a nurse leads Jinhwan and Junhwe to Sungmi’s office. Sungmi is a good person, and she’s helped Jinhwan a lot, but she represents everything wrong about this whole ordeal. Sungmi is in her office of course, and so is Jangmi (to Junhwe’s relief), as well as Jinhwan’s GP, Park Ilsung. The atmosphere is serious and strained, and Jinhwan is squeezing the life out of Junhwe’s hand. But Jangmi grins her signature toothy grin at them, and Junhwe’s heart skips a beat. Does he dare hope for the best?

“It isn’t malignant,” Jangmi says brightly.  
Junhwe lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. It isn’t cancer.  
“You have what’s called pulmonary coccidioidomycosis,” Ilsung says to Jinhwan. “Also known as valley fever. It’s endemic to the area of California you traveled to.”

Junhwe is shocked. So their trip abroad is to blame for this. He wonders why Jinhwan had gotten sick when no one else had, and then he remembers that Jinhwan had still been recovering from the pneumonia. His immune system had been weakened; he must have been particularly susceptible to infections at the time. Junhwe glares at the floor. How ironic is it that a trip that had been so healing for them had ended up being what had made Jinhwan so sick? Jinhwan looks between all of his caregivers and asks if the disease is curable. Sungmi says it’s treatable, and Ilsung explains that Jinhwan will have to come in for regular checkups to make sure the antifungals are working but that they don’t believe the disease is chronic. Well, that has to be good, right? There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, then. A visible end to this terrible chapter. But Jangmi clears her throat, and Junhwe’s brief flash of hope shrivels into dust.

She says there’s just one thing, and Junhwe frowns at her. This can’t be good. When Jinhwan asks what she means, she explains that in most people the sort of nodule Jinhwan has would go away on its own but that they’re afraid it could become malignant at some point in Jinhwan based on his medical history. Jinhwan squeezes Junhwe’s hand so hard that Junhwe starts to lose feeling in his fingers. Junhwe wets his lips and tries to focus on his breathing. So no light at the end of the tunnel, then? Jinhwan asks if anything can be done, and Junhwe looks back up. “That’s the one thing,” Sungmi and Jangmi say in unison. Sungmi then goes on to say that they’ll have to monitor it for at least two years (Two years! Junhwe thinks miserably), maybe do a biopsy, and in the worst-case scenario, they’d surgically remove it. Jinhwan starts hyperventilating, worked into a frenzy.

“Please just take it out,” he wheezes. “Please take it out, get it out of me, _please_ —”

Junhwe can feel his heart breaking. He tries to calm Jinhwan down, but Jinhwan starts coughing, and up come globs of bloody mucus. Junhwe takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself, and rubs Jinhwan’s back. He hates this. He hates seeing Jinhwan like this, and he hates all these unknowns. The coughing subsides, and Jangmi kneels in front of Jinhwan with some tissues. She helps him wipe off his hands, and then he goes to the sink to wash them while she throws away the dirty tissues. Junhwe gazes at Jinhwan’s back, but his attention turns to Sungmi when she speaks: “We can’t do anything about it until you’ve fought off the coccidioidomycosis.” Junhwe furrows his brow. He wonders what kind of procedure taking the nodule out would be if Jinhwan’s team is so reluctant to do it even though Jinhwan himself so clearly wants to. Jinhwan makes his way back to his chair slowly and sits down, his expression hard. Ilsung hands him some papers on valley fever and prescriptions for antifungals, and then he and Jangmi walk with Jinhwan to reception to schedule Jinhwan’s next appointments. Every two weeks. Junhwe has them print up a schedule; he’ll have to coordinate with his boss’s boss so he can be at home. 

Jangmi then goes with them as far as Junhwe’s car. She gives Jinhwan a hug and tells him to call her anytime, and then she hugs Junhwe too. Junhwe is glad that they have her. She and Junhwe watch Jinhwan get into the car, and as Junhwe starts for the driver’s side, she catches his arm. “You can call me too,” she says quietly. “Don’t ever pretend you’re okay if you really aren’t.” Junhwe says he won’t, he promises he won’t, and she smiles at him. Yeah, he and Jinhwan are lucky to still have her. She waves goodbye until they’re out of sight, and then Junhwe glances at Jinhwan. He has a strained look on his face, and Junhwe can tell that he’s making himself hysterical. He puts a hand on Jinhwan’s knee, and immediately he can feel the taut muscles of Jinhwan’s thigh start to relax. Junhwe rubs Jinhwan’s leg gently, reassuringly, and Jinhwan turns to look at him. His expression is vacant.

“It sucks, but at least it isn’t cancer,” Junhwe says as he rolls the car to a stop. If Jinhwan is going to be sad, then Junhwe will just have to be positive. But Jinhwan doesn’t do anything other than nod once. “It’ll go away,” Junhwe continues.  
Jinhwan returns to gazing listlessly out the window. “Hopefully.”  
The light changes, and Junhwe tears his eyes from Jinhwan to focus back on the road. “It will,” he says doggedly. Jinhwan says nothing.

Jinhwan is sick for months. Junhwe gets permission to work from home whenever Jinhwan has to go to the hospital, and he’s allowed to work from home whenever Jinhwan has a bad day or night. It’s odd, but as the months drag on, Junhwe starts to notice a change in their relationship. Jinhwan gets much more willing to allow Junhwe to take care of him when he’s at his sickest, to the point that they never fight about it anymore. Things that would have led to an argument before the valley fever are now just part of their routine. Even as the bad days and nights begin to dwindle and the hospital visits start to grow more infrequent, Jinhwan gently lets Junhwe know when Junhwe doesn’t need to do something for him rather than snapping at him. And Junhwe, who would have gotten upset at this and ignored Jinhwan’s feelings only a few months ago, now actually listens and leaves Jinhwan alone when he wants to be left alone. Although this is definitely a step forward in their relationship, it’s only tenuous balance. There’s something else there still, bubbling beneath the surface, that Junhwe doesn’t think will ever go away. They’ll probably never see eye to eye when it comes to Jinhwan’s health, but at least they’ve finally acknowledged that this tension exists and have tried to make adjustments for each other. Junhwe is hopeful that they’ll start clashing a little less after Jinhwan has recovered.

Not long after their six-year anniversary, Jinhwan is pulled from the antifungal medication. He’s just about back to normal by then, really, so Ilsung suggests a lung biopsy. “Just to be sure.” Jinhwan tells Junhwe later that he wishes they would just get the damn thing out of him and be done with it, but Junhwe doesn’t really know what to say to him. Junhwe knows that the presence of the nodule itself makes Jinhwan anxious because it represents an unknown, but there’s nothing he can do to assuage Jinhwan’s fears, so he hopes the biopsy will clear everything up. Even though Jinhwan has almost fully recovered, there’s really only so much more of this that Junhwe can take; he’s nearing his breaking point.

But the biopsy goes well, according to the doctors. Jinhwan has to spend a few hours in the limited-stay area so he can be monitored in case there are any complications, and Junhwe stays with him. Hanbin, Bobby, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo also come to keep Jinhwan company, and they even FaceTime Donghyuk for a little while right after Jinhwan gets out. Junhwe watches all of them with a smile, himself unusually quiet and removed from the center of attention. Yunhyeong and Bobby are bickering about the cupcakes Yunhyeong had brought, Chanwoo is laughing at them while trying to remain neutral, and Hanbin is describing to an amused Jinhwan his big plans to throw Jinhwan a “fuck fungi” party. Junhwe gets up from the table to get some water, and he’s surprised when Bobby joins him. Junhwe is long since past minding Hanbin and Bobby’s presence—in fact, he’d welcomed their company this time around. They’ve been nothing but supportive and helpful, and Junhwe thinks the whole ordeal would have been immeasurably harder without them around. Bobby nods at him as he fills up his own cup.

“How are you holding up?” he asks.  
Junhwe shrugs. “You know. As well as can be expected, I guess.”  
“Good,” Bobby says with a smile.  
They’re quiet for a moment, and then Junhwe clears his throat. “I wish I could be like you, though.”  
Bobby arches a brow. “Oh? And what am I like?”  
“Oh, you know…” Junhwe says vaguely as he swirls the last bit of water slowly around in his cup. “Just pulled together, I guess. Unfazed.”  
Bobby frowns, and he looks as though he’s choosing his words very carefully. “I’m always afraid, Junhwe,” he says. “I’ve been afraid since I was thirteen. You know what I do every day?”  
Junhwe shakes his head, and Bobby runs a hand through his hair.  
“I pray, you know. Beg for my best friend not to be taken away from me in the morning and thank my lucky stars I got another day with him at night.” Bobby bumps Junhwe’s arm with his own. “We’re all affected, man. We just show it in different ways.”

Junhwe makes a thoughtful noise and sips his water. He’d never expected something like that from Bobby, who had always seemed so steadfast and strong. But Bobby is right—this affects all of them. (Although Junhwe still wouldn’t mind having some of Bobby’s endless wells of positivity and cheerfulness.) Bobby throws his cup away and gives Junhwe’s shoulder a squeeze before joining Hanbin and Jinhwan at their table, sitting on Jinhwan’s other side. He and Hanbin both sling an arm around Jinhwan’s shoulders, and Junhwe smiles. He fills up another cup for Jinhwan, who accepts it gratefully when Junhwe sits across from him at the table. “Where’s mine?” whines Hanbin, and with a roll of his eyes Junhwe slides his own cup across the table. Hanbin snatches it up gleefully, and Bobby clucks his tongue while Jinhwan shoots Junhwe a private, knowing smile over the rim of his cup. Junhwe grins back. They really will be okay. Things will be fine.

Jinhwan is already awake when Junhwe wakes up the next day. He finds Jinhwan in the bathroom, frowning at his reflection. Junhwe rubs his eyes and yawns. “What are you doing?” Jinhwan glances at him through the mirror and raises his eyebrows. He asks if Junhwe really can’t tell, and then Junhwe notices the rash. There are angry red bumps all down Jinhwan’s neck and creeping to his shoulder, where they continue a little down his chest and across his back. “Don’t think it has anything to do with the biopsy,” Jinhwan says. “Wrong side.” He points to the bandaged incision site, which is on the opposite side of his chest to where the rash is. Junhwe stands beside him, and Jinhwan sighs. “Can you get my cream?” he asks quietly after a moment. “It’s on the top shelf, and I’m not supposed to reach.” Junhwe immediately reaches up into the cabinet to grab the cream, which he hands to Jinhwan. Jinhwan leaves the bathroom, beckoning for Junhwe to follow him. 

They walk out into the living room, where Jinhwan plops down onto the couch. He squeezes a bit of cream into his palm and then holds the bottle out to Junhwe. “Can you get my back?” Junhwe nods and drops down behind Jinhwan, letting Jinhwan squirt some cream into his hands. He smooths the cream onto Jinhwan’s back and shoulder while Jinhwan works on his chest and neck. It’s quiet except for the sounds of birds and children playing outside, and Junhwe chews his lip. The air feels strange for some reason. They finish, and Jinhwan turns to face Junhwe. “Thanks,” he says with a small smile. “Feels better.” They look at each other for a moment, and Junhwe drops his gaze first, his cheeks pink. His eyes settle on Jinhwan’s hands in his lap, and he reaches out to catch hold of Jinhwan’s wrist. He pulls it toward him and frowns thoughtfully at the ring. He covers it with his thumb, pressing down gently, and he can feel Jinhwan’s pulse throbbing steadily. He wets his lips, and then without warning he pulls Jinhwan to him. Jinhwan laughs softly. “What’s gotten into you?” he asks. Junhwe breathes in deep, and the sharp scent of the cream fills his nostrils. He swallows. “I just don’t want to lose you,” he mumbles, and Jinhwan pats Junhwe’s back. “I guess it’s my turn to tell you what you’ve been telling me for ages.” Junhwe frowns. What could he mean? Junhwe asks him what that is, and he can feel Jinhwan’s fingers twisting tightly into the back of his shirt.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're all done!! Thank you for reading and sticking through!!
> 
>  _But wait!_ you might be thinking, _Aren't there seven total chapters? How is this the end?_ And you would be right. There are going to be seven chapters, but these six are Junhwe's story, all of AoL from his perspective. Chapter 7 will see the return of Jinhwan's point of view as that chapter is meant to be an epilogue--the closing of the entire series. So look forward to that. (:
> 
> Anyway, I'm really proud of how this story turned out. I love doing these sorts of rewrites (remember how I stopped myself from doing this two years ago? lol), and I hope that someone out there has enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it... It only took 18 months! lol
> 
> Ah, and just as a side note, some parts of this chapter might seem quite familiar; this is because I reworked part of a short thing I wrote for a friend's birthday into this. 
> 
> Thank you again! See you (soon, hopefully) for the end of this series...!


	7. Epilogue: Sunflower Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **epilogue: sunflower golden**
> 
> _"Bring me the sunflower crazy with light."_  
>  \- Eugenio Montale, "Portami il girasole"

Jinhwan stands on the deck and closes his eyes, letting the sea breeze whip through his hair. He takes a deep breath, and the scent of the salt brings a smile to his face. He loves the beach; there’s just something about it that’s so freeing. He opens his eyes slowly to gaze out at the sun setting over the low rolling waves of the beach behind the property, and he can see a dark shape sitting out by the water. Behind him Jinhwan can hear Bobby shouting about wanting barbeque tongs and Donghyuk’s irritated snaps for him to go find them himself. Brandon is laughing at them, Chanwoo is diplomatically offering to find some tongs, and Hanbin is whining at Yunhyeong about his terrible kebab-skewering. (Yunhyeong then threatens to skewer Hanbin’s eyeball if he doesn’t quit his pestering.) The girls are out buying more ingredients, more alcohol, and, Jinhwan is convinced, a birthday cake. They think they’re being slick, but Jinhwan knows how all of them work; he hasn’t been friends with all of these people for so many years to not know when they’re pulling some ridiculous scheme. He takes another deep breath, picks up the ukulele on the patio table, turns his back on the ruckus inside, and then heads down the beach toward Junhwe.

It isn’t really like Junhwe to be this removed from all the action. Truth be told, it’s more something Jinhwan would do. Bobby would probably say they’ve spent so much time together that they’re starting to act like each other. Jinhwan smiles a little at the thought. Perhaps it’s true. He thinks he’s gotten a bit more reckless, so maybe Junhwe has found the good in a little quiet introspection. (Although Junhwe has always been pretty sensitive, truth be told.) A particularly strong gust of wind picks up, and Jinhwan shivers and hunches his shoulders. It’s warm, of course—it _is_ Hawaii, after all—but it’s cool at night at this time of year, and with the wind, no sun, and his poor circulation, Jinhwan is cold. Not to mention he’s in shorts and a loose-fitting tank top (an old one of Bobby’s, actually, that Jinhwan had pilfered when they were in university and had never returned). Jinhwan pauses and looks down at the wide scoop of the tank top’s neck. He seldom wears such revealing clothes. There’s an ugly yellowing bruise just under his collarbone, and Jinhwan isn’t even sure how it had gotten there. He pokes at it sadly with his free hand before letting his fingers ghost over where the scar from his lung biopsy is. Well, one thing’s for sure: Junhwe has made Jinhwan a lot less self-conscious, and he isn’t about to try to drudge up old insecurities. Certainly not now of all times. He huffs indignantly at himself and continues down the beach. Junhwe turns slightly and smiles up at Jinhwan as Jinhwan approaches. He scoots over to make room even though there isn’t anyone else there, and Jinhwan grins at him. He bumps Junhwe’s shoulder with his own.

“What are you doing out here all by yourself?” Junhwe shrugs and mutters something, his cheeks coloring a little. Jinhwan raises his eyebrows. “What was that?”  
Junhwe buries a finger in the sand and sighs through his nose. “I was thinking about us.”  
“Oh?”  
“You know,” Junhwe says, gesturing vaguely, refusing to look Jinhwan in the eye. “We’ve gone through a lot, and we—I guess—I think I finally know what you mean by accident of life now.”

Jinhwan’s eyes widen in surprise. It’s something he says often, but he’s never really considered why he says it in the first place. He doesn’t even remember where he’d picked it up. He tilts his head thoughtfully. He certainly had never expected Junhwe to get hung up on it or try to attribute some sort of meaning to it. Junhwe leans back, staring hard at the waves. It doesn’t mean that things were or weren’t meant to happen, he explains. It means that sometimes things happen that force us to change, and it’s how we deal with those changes that defines us. He wets his lips and fixes his eyes on Jinhwan. “Even if we didn’t mean for it to happen or want it to happen, it can still turn out okay in the end.” Jinhwan smiles. “Not all accidents are bad,” he says sagely. Junhwe grins and kisses Jinhwan’s forehead before he turns away, his neck and ears pink. Jinhwan wraps both of his arms around one of Junhwe’s and leans against his shoulder.

“Meeting you was an accident of life,” Jinhwan says. “Getting this far was an accident of life.”  
Junhwe tenses. “Ah, Kim Jinhwan, don’t…”  
“No, I mean—” Jinhwan frowns, trying to find the right words. “For a long time I couldn’t see this far ahead. I was too focused on the present to even try to imagine the future. For a lot of reasons, not just the one you’re thinking about. But these days I think enough about the future to even try to plan ours out. I just feel, I dunno, settled? Safe, I guess.”  
Junhwe relaxes again, and he gives Jinhwan a gentle smile before letting his head rest on Jinhwan’s. “Not all accidents are bad,” he murmurs.

They’re quiet for a while, and then Jinhwan sits up straight again. He holds out the ukulele, which Junhwe takes from him incredulously. He starts tuning it, humming to himself, and Jinhwan watches him. His eyes are drawn immediately to the ring on Junhwe’s finger. Their couple ring. Junhwe had started wearing it on his finger because he’d come out to his coworkers after Jinhwan’s lung biopsy last year. He hadn’t even told Jinhwan he would do it—he’d just invited his whole team out for drinks one day and told them everything. Jinhwan still isn’t totally sure why Junhwe had done it (though he thinks the fact that Junhwe’s least favorite coworker had left a few weeks earlier had had something to do with it), but it makes him happy all the same. He’d always hoped that Junhwe would eventually feel comfortable enough to be more open, especially since Jinhwan himself has always been in an accepting work environment. Jinhwan is even going to accompany Junhwe to a work function for the first time soon after they get back. He smiles unconsciously. It’s so normal and domestic that it makes him giddy. He nudges Junhwe’s knee.

“Do you still remember that song you sang me a few years ago?”  
Junhwe laughs. “So that’s what this is about.”  
“Well, we’re finally here,” Jinhwan points out. “I want to hear you sing it while we’re actually here.”  
“You’re lucky I never forget a song,” Junhwe says with a smirk.

He hums a little and plucks at the ukulele, his brows knitted together in concentration. He mouths a few words as he plays, the mindless strumming starts taking shape, and before long Jinhwan recognizes the melody. He smiles broadly. When Junhwe had sung for him the last time, Jinhwan had closed his eyes and imagined them on a Hawaiian beach. It had been pretty similar to this, actually: The two of them alone under the stars on a cool night with the rhythmic sound of the waves in the background as Junhwe had serenaded him. But back then, Jinhwan had never thought that one day it would actually happen. “ _Aloha nō wau iā ‘oe,_ ” comes Junhwe’s low, smooth voice, and Jinhwan’s chest tightens. He loves Junhwe, and he loves this feeling. Junhwe turns toward Jinhwan as his last note fades, and he has a smug expression on his face. He knows exactly what sort of effect he has on Jinhwan. Jinhwan leans in for a kiss that Junhwe happily lets him have, but they’re interrupted by Bobby, who jumps on the both of them with a whoop. He’s got an arm around each of them, and after affectionately pinching Junhwe’s cheek, he starts peppering Jinhwan with kisses. Jinhwan laughs at his antics. Bobby is probably drunk already, though Jinhwan really can’t be sure; sometimes Bobby just gets drunk on life.

“What y’all doing out here?” Bobby asks, nuzzling the top of Jinhwan’s head.  
“Well, we _were_ having a romantic moment,” Jinhwan says in mock annoyance.  
“Oh, well, then we’re _so sorry,_ ” comes Hanbin’s voice from somewhere behind Jinhwan. “We’ll let you get back to your romantic moment then. Just means more kebabs for the rest of us.”  
“The kebabs are done?” Junhwe asks eagerly. He throws Bobby off of himself and scrambles to his feet. “Sorry, Jinan, I’ll serenade you later. There’s a plate of Yunhyeong’s famous kebabs waiting for me with my name on it.”

Jinhwan snorts. Junhwe would drop anything for food. Bobby hops to his feet and holds out his hand to help Jinhwan up. Jinhwan has barely had the time to brush the sand off his butt before Bobby has scooped him up and slung him over his shoulder. Jinhwan yelps, smacking Bobby’s back. “Put me down!” But of course Bobby doesn’t. Jinhwan looks to Hanbin for help, but all Hanbin does is ruffle Jinhwan’s hair, and when Jinhwan catches Junhwe’s eye, Junhwe points apologetically to the ukulele, like it’s some heavy burden that’s preventing him from saving Jinhwan. Jinhwan grumbles but lets Bobby carry him back up the beach to the house. “Present for you, Junhwe!” Bobby shouts, and before Jinhwan can do or say anything, he gets dumped into Junhwe’s arms. He automatically wraps his arms around Junhwe’s neck, and Junhwe smiles down at him. Everyone starts laughing and talking over each other, and Jinhwan hides his face in Junhwe’s shoulder in embarrassment. “You are guys are such clowns,” he groans, but everyone just laughs harder.

Junhwe sets Jinhwan down on the couch in front of a strawberry shortcake, and Jinhwan snorts. He’d expected this. Junhwe plops down beside Jinhwan, his arm snaking around Jinhwan’s waist. The whole thing reminds Jinhwan so strongly of the surprise party that Junhwe had thrown him all those years ago, and he smiles fondly. Good memories. He blows out the candles, and everyone claps and cheers. Hanbin and Yunhyeong start talking about giving him thirty birthday spanks, but Jinhwan dutifully ignores them, choosing instead to dip his finger in the icing and dab it onto Junhwe’s nose. He expects Junhwe to whine about it, but Junhwe just smiles and picks a strawberry off the top of the cake. “Happy birthday, Jinan,” he says, almost shy as he feeds Jinhwan the strawberry. Jinhwan can’t help but smile, but he blushes when the girls start cooing. He’s saved by Hanbin, though, who drops down onto Jinhwan’s other side and starts whining about where his strawberry is. Junhwe feeds Hanbin a strawberry too, at which point Bobby throws himself across their laps. “Put some icing on me too, hyung!” Bobby shouts, pointing expectantly at his cheeks. Jinhwan smirks as he grabs a handful of cake and icing and then squashes it onto Bobby’s face. Everyone is laughing at Bobby now, and his girlfriend tells them to look at her so she can get a picture. It’s just like the surprise party, but Jinhwan isn’t anxious about his crush or bawling like a baby this time. He smiles widely as Bobby smooshes some of the cake from his face onto Jinhwan’s. Things are good now. Things are _so_ good.

They stay up most of the night drinking and playing games, only turning in when Yunhyeong actually falls asleep in the middle of his sentence, drops all of his cards, and accidentally spills his drink everywhere. They say their goodnights, everyone wishes Jinhwan a happy birthday again, and Jinhwan goes back to his room hand in hand with Junhwe and feeling like he’s on cloud nine. It’s rare for him to enjoy his birthday, but this had been one of those rare times. As soon as Jinhwan shuts the door to their room, Junhwe strips down to his underwear and throws himself onto the bed. Jinhwan smiles at him before going into the bathroom to wash his face and change into pajamas (although “pajamas” just means “one of Junhwe’s gigantic t-shirts”). When he comes back out, Junhwe holds out his arms. “C’mere.” Jinhwan hops onto the bed and into Junhwe’s outstretched arms, grinning from ear to ear. 

“Happy birthday for real,” Junhwe mumbles.  
Jinhwan sits up and looks down at Junhwe. It’s after midnight, so it’s actually Jinhwan’s birthday now. “Thank you,” he says, and Junhwe pulls him back down for a kiss.  
“I hope you had fun,” Junhwe says with a yawn. “I know people can be hard for you.”  
Jinhwan chuckles. “These people aren’t so bad.”  
“Good. I was worried.”  
“Ah, you don’t have to worry about me.”  
“Don’t have to, but I do.” Junhwe closes his eyes. “Being in love means worrying sometimes.”

Junhwe’s voice is barely above a whisper; he’s going to fall asleep at any second. Jinhwan knows Junhwe definitely wouldn’t have said something like that if he weren’t already half-asleep, but hearing it makes Jinhwan’s heart swell all the same. He never gets tired of hearing Junhwe say how much he loves Jinhwan; it makes him just as emotional as it had seven years ago when they’d first gotten together. Jinhwan runs his fingers through Junhwe’s hair affectionately and then stretches out beside him. Jinhwan drifts off to sleep with a smile on his face. Maybe winding up here had been an accident of life, but he’d still ended up exactly where he’d always wanted to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so, so much for reading!! Finally, we're done. ♥
> 
> 1\. This was always going to be the epilogue, the closing of the whole series, but initially I had planned on including it in Film Reel. Because I was writing this story at the time, I thought having something from every other character's perspective--including Jinhwan's--made perfect sense... until I remembered I had a long work from Jinhwan's perspective, so it didn't quite fit thematically(?) with the rest of Film Reel. So since I had always planned on releasing that chapter after finishing this story, I decided to just add it to this as an epilogue. It just feels right lol.
> 
> 2\. Interestingly, I had planned for this chapter pretty much when I first started writing, which is actually before Summertime in Hawaii... lol. Before they'd even gone. I started writing this before LS lol.
> 
> 3\. As usual, this may or may not be based on real events... but of course not theirs.
> 
> 4\. I would like to give a heartfelt thank you to every single person who has read this (whether it's just been this story, the whole series, or some combination thereof). I am honestly just happy if there's even one person out there who has enjoyed it. But I'd really like to thank everyone who left kudos, and especially the people who have commented. Each and every comment has meant so much to me--I don't think I can get across to you how much I appreciate the comments. Every single one makes my day. Truly, thank you so much. ;;
> 
> 5\. And this needs to be said, but... a very special thank you goes out to my hunny pot for being so motivating and inspiring these past few years. I wrote AoL in 2016 because it was the story I wanted to read but that I hadn't seen, and then because the response was so positive, I was inspired enough to write Triptych. But I would have probably stopped there if it hadn't been for my friend. Her encouragement has made literally every other piece of writing I've managed to finish possible--from the AoL sequel to Aria Maris to Just Right. I have some other friends who have been really positive influences on my writing (I'm my own worst critic, of course, it's unsurprising), but this friend is the one I would send random bits of writing to at all hours of the day, the friend I'd message out of the blue with some weird idea, the friend who has always hyped me up and had something positive to say when I couldn't find the good in anything. Without her, none of this would have been possible, so... thank you, my lil hunny pot, you are more important than you know ♥
> 
> To all the readers, everyone, thank you so much again. ;; ♥ I hope you all have enjoyed this series as much as I enjoyed writing it these past few years. Thanks for sticking with me!


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